mood swings

[Larry]

i have been having mood swings,  going from depressed,  to hapy,  to not wanting to go on.  it changes so fast,  with no reason,  i don't know why i can't just be happy,  i live on an island,  work on the water,  people vacation here and say i am living the life.  they have no idea what kind of pain i am in most of the time.  i feel guilty when they say that.  i want to be happy.  i have been happy before and it was nice.  i need to try to level things out  i just don't know how

[Dante]

Right there with you.  I had been doing better with some progress, but had some setbacks that have really affected my motivation.  Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for both of us.

[Larry]

thank you dante,  i really appreciate you.  i thought it might be the alcohol,  but it happens when i don't drink as well.  i am so confused.  i should be happy,  living the life as everyone tells me. 

[Dante]

Hi Larry, that's the root of the problem.  You ARE living the life everyone told you.  And they told you that what you wanted didn't matter and what they wanted did.  That is the greatest gift and responsibility in recovery.  Figuring out what YOU want.  Figuring out who Larry really is.

If I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know.  All I've figured out so far is that's what I need to do too to heal.

[Larry]

sounds so easy,  i want to do that,  we both deserve that,  why is it so hard?

[Larry]

thank you for saying that,  you are absolutley right. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate you sharing.  Emotions are so tricky.  I often find myself a bit triggered by the word "happy" because many abusers in my life have "just wanted me to be happy."  I find folks often use that word when they don't want to sit in discomfort with another person.  We all feel all the things and it is important to feel safe to feel them all.

I personally experience a ton of emotions that have very little to do with what is happening in the moment but rather are about things from the past.

This started to shift for me when I began to really listen to myself and to do things that were right for me (even if it made no sense to others).  I also found spaces where others honored and validated my voice and choices. 

In doing this, I began to see that my emotions are fleeting (even if it was fleeting between variations of anxiety or depression) and are often signals giving me information.  I have tried expanding my emotion vocabulary but it is still difficult for me to differentiate a lot of emotions.  Often just thinking "Does this feel bad or good?" is the best I can do.  If something feels bad, I try to find something that makes me feel genuinely good (even if it is only short lived). 

Over time, I am better able to tolerate feeling good without becoming too panicked.  It's still very difficult and right now often the best I can do is notice if I am starting to get anxious or depressed about feeling good.   

I hope that you find things that work for your body and mind. 

[Larry]

thank you rain,   i really hope therapy can help me get there.  i don't like myself or where i'm at right now.  i have been happy before,  and i want to get there again.   i have always tried to bury emotions,  i don't know how to feel or label them.  feeling numb seems to work,  doesnt't make me happy,  but i don't feel things.  i like how i feel when i dissociate

[Dante]

Over time, I am better able to tolerate feeling good without becoming too panicked.  It's still very difficult and right now often the best I can do is notice if I am starting to get anxious or depressed about feeling good.   

This is for sure part of the vicious cycle to me.  Good = dangerous.  If something (legitimately and not just maladaptively) good is happening, I'm about to get caught and punished for it.  So I do what I can to get rid of the good and bring it back to a safe, level, malaise.  And then I get depressed and anxious because nothing good ever happens (which is all or nothing thinking) and the cycle starts again.

[Armee]

Good = dangerous.  If something (legitimately and not just maladaptively) good is happening, I'm about to get caught and punished for it. 

Oh wow! I'm not alone! This so much! Thanks so much for sharing this Dante! Also when others show me care, or I feel safe and connected.

[Larry]

all of you have been so helpful ,  and i appreciate you.   i have learned so much in a short time,  i should have tried to heal a long time ago.  Learning about cptsd has made me realize i have  been struggling for a long time.  sure explains a lot about my past.

[Dante]

Same here Larry.  I spent literally decades in 12 step programs, and I still don't have 24 hours of sobriety to show for it.  But I've learned so much since I joined just 2 months ago (hard to believe it's only 2 months).  I think I'm not far from being able to string together some sobriety, but I wish I'd known what I know now back then - and started healing instead of just trying to abstain.

[Larry]

it's good to know we can heal,  not too long ago i didn't believe that.