Alchohol and trauma

[Jazzy]

I've never seriously talked to anyone about being an alcoholic before, because the biggest reason has to do with CPTSD, and I don't want to get in to all of that with someone who doesn't have the experience to understand.

The thing is, sometimes, rarely, when I drink... everything is okay for a little while. I'm actually, truly happy, and not held hostage by the trauma. Therapy, medication, healthy life style choices, none of them come close to offering the relief that a bottle can. It is the greatest thing in the world. You could offer me all the money, fame, or power imaginable, but I would take feeling happy and not traumatized over any other choice without a moment's hesitation.

Now, I know alcohol is bad, and I'm okay... I haven't had anything to drink in a long time, but it is so hard. How do you wilfully choose to stay away from the only thing that can give you peace from your living nightmare, if only for a moment?

Has anyone else had this experience, and if so, is there anything you've found that has let you feel "cured" like that, besides alcohol? I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm not going to be truly happy in my life, but I'm not going to give up on trying.

[Bermuda]

It shows a lot that you are able to talk about that now.

My experience with alcohol is likely very different than yours, but I too had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Since I binge drank rather than drinking regularly I found it much easier to justify, especially while living in a culture in which these behaviours are considered normal. For me it took having other health issues that I knew with certainty were exasperated by my alcohol consumption, as well as panic attacks and full-on flashbacks while out in public for me to even consider reflecting on my issues with alcohol. Perhaps for me my deep shame of being "found-out" had a lot to do with the changes I eventually made. For me this was admittedly not easy, but absolutely worth it.

What is it specifically that consuming alcohol makes you feel? Is it a feeling that you are missing in other parts of your life? What in your life is supposed to give you those feelings? Is it a feeling you lacked as a child? Is alcohol actually standing in the way of you making the changes necessary to be able to experience those feelings from the source you named? What do you think is a healthy way to address that? If you have already acknowledged the problem, what is preventing you from making the change? Do you feel social pressure? Do you simply not feel strong enough? Are these feelings that you can become aware of or address as a catalyst for making the change?

I hope you are able to find strength. Alcohol is an easy emotional crutch, but unfortunately it is a depressant. It's a roller-coaster ride. For me at least realising that I would rather not experience the highs if it meant avoiding the lows really helped. I had to find new ways to cope in social situations, and admittedly mourned the person that I thought I was. I created a new self-image. It took a lot of time. I don't really have much advice other than to ask yourself all of those questions and remind yourself when you're drinking of what it is that is making you want another. It's such a personal thing, but you are powerful. You are strong. And as we all know with C-PTSD, you are your greatest protector. Sometimes we have to parent ourselves. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing Bermuda, I will spend some time reflecting on your questions.

[Kizzie]

I think many of us who live with traumatic stress understand how wonderful (and needed) is any relief from it, I totally get it having struggled with cigarettes, alcohol and now food.

I've been reading Gabor Mate's work and like his simple explanation of why survivors become more easily addicted than the general population. He gives the example of drinking cool water when you are really thirsty. It provides a lot more relief and pleasure than when you're not as thirsty.  Survivors are very thirsty people so are much more rewarded and motivated to drink (smoke, eat, gamble, shop) than those who are not traumatized. Your post confirms this notion quite well sadly.   

He has a great video (9 mins) here that you may find interesting - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVg2bfqblGI

[Jazzy]

Wow, that is a very powerful video. In the 9 minutes, I've had tears in my eyes twice. Thank you for sharing it. I definitely need to spend some more time reflecting on that message too.

[Not Alone]

Excellent video. I will need to watch it more than once.

[Kizzie]

   Jazzy and  Notalone - His example and the video helps me to understand I'm not weak, I'm just so very thirsty.