Derealization ?

[Asche]

For the past few months, I've been complaining to my therapist that I feel like I'm not really present.  I'd heard of "depersonalization" and "derealization," but it was today that "derealization" started to make sense to me.

I've been noticing that I feel like I'm not really there, like I'm in a "life" simulator (by analogy with flight simulator), and one that isn't all that good.  I can sort of see where I am and steer myself through life, but it feels like I've just got this screen, like a computer monitor, to see what's going on outside, and some controls that don't have the greatest feedback to affect things.  I keep thinking of an experience I had a long time ago: there was this arcade-game like driving simulator, which had a booth like a photo booth, a steering wheel, and maybe an accelerator and brake pedal, and this small screen, maybe 12 x 24 inches.   I put my coins in, but what showed on the screen was so indistinct, I couldn't tell where I was in the simulation nor see how what I did with the steering wheel had any effect.  I'm pretty sure that at some point I wrecked the virtual car, but I couldn't really tell because I couldn't tell much of anything.  That's what it feels like sometimes, and it's a bit scary -- part of me worries that I'll wander in front of a truck because I can't really tell where I am, even though it's never happened (protected by my hypervigilance.)

This sounds an awful lot like the description of "derealization" in Wikipedia.

I wondered why I'm not conscious of this more often, but I think it's because most of my life is spent inside my own head -- like maybe I'm always in the simulator, but usually not paying attention to the screen because I'm busy thinking of something else (or obsessed with something else?)  Most of my work before retirement was software development, so at work I spent most of my time with my mind in the software, and only barely aware of the physical world or even my body.  So being in the state was normal and functional.  I kind of feel like I don't have any idea what it's like to be really "present."  (I tried yoga for a while, but whenever I'd start to feel rather than focusing on what I had to do, I would feel these intense bursts of anger which would destroy any sense of being in my body.)

And when I start thinking about this, I start getting this feeling that I must be really screwed up, like being screwed up and broken is who I am.  And that turns into despair (despair -- another life-long "friend.")

One of my gripes with my family-of-origin is that being with them is like being with a bunch of animatronic robots, which I assume is because of how our growing up was, but I  think maybe I got turned into a robot, too.

[Kizzie]

That is a spot on analogy Asche     I know this feeling all too well and have lived in my head most of my life.

FWIW I don't think you're screwed up or broken, you are protecting yourself like most of us  here.  Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization are symptoms of CPTSD meant to protect us, help us survive trauma.  So often here we say it's not you, it's what happened to you and I'm coming to see that more and more.

My T and I are working on not just being in my head but in my body too, connecting with it a little bit at a time by acknowledging and accepting the parts of me that protect me from pain, fear, grief ....  We just do it in small doses - called titration - so I am not retraumatized and lock in those survival strategies.  So far, so good. 

In the past I haven't been able to do meditation/mindfulness because like you I am flooded when I do. I have talked with my T about this and she assures me this happens with many trauma survivors which is why we're going slow in trying to get back into my body. For example, instead of doing the full on mindfulness thing I just try to "notice" what's going on in my body and sit with it a bit then move away if I need to.  Knowing I can move away if/when it gets to be too much is freeing, before I always felt like a failure when I couldn't manage what everyone else seemed to be able to. Unfair comparison because they don't have overly sensitive amygdalas that take over when threat is perceived. 

Anyway, I hope this is helpful.  You're with kindred spirits here