Trigger warning- physical child abuse

[Jenny Blount]

My mother physically abused me as a baby and as an infant (early 1960's)
My parent's marriage, following her pregnancy, was strained and very unhappy. My mother explained to me (in my thirties) that she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep

Several years ago I tackled her on this shortly before she died. I asked her why she'd hit me and she said, 'it seemed to work.'

She said (by way of compensation) that I didn't go without my cuddles; she used to hold me, once she'd hit me, 'until I went limp'.

Cut to 58 years later and I can't find the root cause for my ptsd, which is triggered by noise. Until this morning, when I had my third session of EDMR.

I realised that my terror of noise was because it was the pre-cursor to getting hit, or the sound of actually being hit. After I was hit I was restrained, trapped, held, smothered, until I stopped struggling. I learnt I could not avoid hurt and that only surrender worked

The psychological damage she did was appalling.

She remained a child for the rest of her life. I was her parent right up until she died.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry for what you went through Jenny, of course she didn't have to hit you to make you go to sleep. It's an added layer of betrayal when children have to parent an abusive/neglectful parent. My M would cry after she spanked/slapped us and then my B and I would end up comforting her (she has NPD).

The last time I did EMDR it helped me to defuel certain triggers a lot and I hope it helps you in this way too. 

[Jenny Blount]

Thank you Kizzie!
I think I have a very good therapist; only three sessions in but I have faith it will ease my symptoms.

[Kizzie]

I hope so Jenny - let us know how it goes if you don't mind.

[Jenny Blount]

So far so good, some interesting insights and odd dreams and memories cropping up that are all connected. Genuine new perspective and deeper understanding and appreciation of not just THAT the damage happened but HOW it happened.
I've had so much talking therapy but this really feels as though it's shifting things about in my brain in a good, and long overdue, way.

......long ways to go, but I'm hopeful
Thanks

[Kizzie]

      

[Alter-eg0]

That's awful, Jenny. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Very glad to hear that the therapy you're doing now is giving you valuable insights and helping you move through it all.
Take care

[Jenny Blount]

Thank you so much.

My last session was really hard work, lots of ugly-crying and left me feeling in no doubt it wasn't a magic cure and I still had to do the work (I kinda hoped the brain did it all behind the scenes - turns out I've got to unlearn behaviours too!)

Some hideous dream images followed......but, as long as I go at a pace that's compassionate but not complacent ....I think I'm making progress.

Thank you so much for the support!
Jx

[Kizzie]