[TW] Self Harm

[Jazzy]

[TW: Eating Disorder]

There's been some talk about self harm impulses here recently, so it's been on my mind. Most of my self harm is neglect, not so much abuse, and a big part of that is starvation. What's interesting to me, is that this is exactly how my M treated me. While she didn't teach me these behaviours verbally, she taught me them through action.

I don't want to push anyone to talk about things they're uncomfortable with, but I wonder if others find this to be true in their own lives. Do your self harm patterns reflect what your parental figures taught, or did, to you?

Thanks to anyone who shares, and it's perfectly understandable for those who are not ready to share at this time.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate you bringing up this topic.
When I've come across the topic of self harm here I realize I have an incomplete, somewhat inaccurate definition of self harm (as I also did of trauma and abuse).  I honestly haven't explored this with myself but think it will be important to do so.

[Armadillo]

I agree thanks Jazzy for having the guts to bring this topic up.

I did not know that I was self harming for a very long time. I started noticing though I would do this thing when I was scared or felt trapped psychologically. I noticed I would dissociate while doing it. I noticed I would lose time. I noticed how much after I could focus on how disgusting and ugly I am instead of paying attention to the real emotions....a distraction from the stuff that was too hard to acknowledge or deal with that lead me to harm in the first place.

Eventually I realized it started shortly after a complicated sexual assault and that I seemed to have associated this thing i was trying to fix with the reason I was assaulted. It took me 20 yrs to realize this. It's also tied up in body dysmorphia.

The relation to how my parents treated me....well I was so horrified by my mom's cutting when I was a kid (I've never seen cuts so bad. It was really bad and not hidden) that I wouldn't ever do that. But I do what I do when I feel trapped by her. And also when we've gotten too close to certain topics in therapy I've ended up with compulsions to harm that came out of the blue and scared the crap out of me. New things. Especially triggered by things about being kind to myself or defeating negative thoughts about myself.

I'm rambling. I guess the triggers for me are more related to my parents, and the thing I do is related to assault by a boyfriend. And I was in the dark about a this for 20 years. And although I've talked generally with my t about it i still have never named what I do with anyone including T. And that's because of body dysmorphia and intense shame about what's "wrong" with me and not wanting to draw attention to that. But I've told him all this, just not the specific flaw/thing I do.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing RainyDiary.

You make a very good point. I think it is important for all of us to broaden our understanding of our behaviours, so we can truly get to how behaving in the way we are happy with. I'm glad to hear you believe this to be important.

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing Armadillo.

It's interesting to read your account, as it is a bit different than mine. Some of the traumas are different too though, so that makes sense. You have a lot of good points here. I think you are more accurate stating that your behaviour is linked to your trauma, not necessarily your parents. I appreciate that.

I'm sorry things have been, and still are so difficult. Therapy sounds very challenging if it is inducing compulsions to self harm. It's great that you're learning about all of this and no longer are in the dark.

It's okay that you've never named what you do; that is a tremendously difficult thing. I'm sure that you will be able to, when you want to, when you're ready.

Body dysmorphia is an especially emotional topic for me, though I'm not exactly sure why. I think I have a lot of exploring to do on that topic. I know it's horrible though. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better about yourself.  if it is positive for you!

[Eidolon]

TW-
I used to neglect myself by forgetting to eat (ED), or I'd smoke instead of eating. Then it turned into emotional eating which fueled the ED more. I developed one to "deal" with neglect by my M, and it just never went away. It stayed dormant for a little while; then went full-fledged in high school. My F told me I'd grow out of it.

[Jazzy]

Wow! 

My F told me I'd grow out of it.

This is so upsetting, I can't even think straight. To me, this says that your F ignored and neglected you, but wasn't even honest about it. Maybe he actually believed it was just somehow magically go away on it's own, as ridiculous as that is, but it is still horrible. I'm so sorry.

Thank you for sharing.