why do the bad days out wieght the good days.

[Larry]

i really need to get some theraoy or something.  i have some good days,   but the bad days are getting worse.  i do not want to live in pain all the time.  i feel like maybe  help is out there.  but it seems so far away.  i drink to cope,  but i don't think i can cope anymore.  i really want to hurt my abuser,  but he might already be dead.  now what?  how do i get closure.  i really hope he is dead,  but i really wanted to confront him. 

[Armee]

I don't know if it's helpful Larry... I didn't find my dad until he was dead and when I did find his death certificate and autopsy it brought a lot of pain and suffering with no hope for resolution. Very similar to what you are facing.

And yet it also brought me an opportunity to practice how I deal with this stuff. It was a wave to knock me over to make me a better swimmer.

What do you truly need from a confrontation? To be heard? To make him hurt? To try to get your needs met? To know it wasn't you? There's a really important nugget somewhere in what you are yearning for in that confrontation and finding what that is might point you toward what needs to be healed. I'm not sure.

For me I needed to really see and accept that my dad was actually a bad person. It wasn't my fault. Then I needed to grapple with...how do I feel ok about myself with that history? What does it say about me? That was what I needed. Mostly to accept he was a bad person and to be able to feel ANGER at one of my parents and know they deserved that anger, that no harm would come of me feeling that anger, and that i didn't need to excuse his badness away. What he did was wrong. Morally wrong. I needed to feel that. So I wrote a letter here and later deleted it. I also read it outloud and listened to it. That's all the resolution I get. The resolution is within myself....to know I am ok at my core. I'm not worthless or undeserving or not good enough.

Help IS out there, Larry, when you are ready.  :hug

I was scared too of starting therapy and didn't stop being afraid of it until 2 years in.  But know when you are in therapy you call the shots. You talk about what you want, you don't talk about what you aren't ready for, you set the pace, you set your goals. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You can refuse to answer questions you don't need to explain. You can say no, you can yell, you can be silent. You can shake your head quietly, refuse eye contact, whatever you do is ok. 

[Armee]

Larry, I missed that this was posted in suicidal ideation and self harm....are you ok? Just ride through this for now. There's a way out but it takes time. You can get to a time with more good days than bad. With joy and connection and peace. It is there. But you do need a guide. That's what a good therapist can be.    Stick with us.  We're here and we care. And if you can, go get a snuggle from your wife or dog, k?

And make sure to take Kizzie's resources here to heart: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5897.msg37515#msg37515

[Larry]

thank you armee.  i am ok,  i was just having a bad night ,  i was drinking,  and getting depressed.  i need to stop doing that.  i am ok if i drink a little.  but i have been over doing it. i don't have anyone to talk too.   i really appreciate you ! 

[Larry]

really depressed and lonely,   scared to sleep,  anone around? 

[Armee]

 

I woke up, startled by a tiny noise. That triggers me and then I can't sleep even though I know it is ok.

I wish I could carry away your lonely and depressed and scared feelings. You didn't deserve to be treated the way you were. You deserved to be cherished and loved. And.you still deserve that. One thing that lifts me up and intensifies the sadness a little is when I think about the amazing people I have in my life....people who together sort of form a substitute set of parents for me. Even tho I'm an adult, i still need "parents."  Evem weird things like in my head like my kid's principal is like a protector figure to me....safe and Stable and wise...even tho I don't even know or talk to him.

Sorry for typos. I can't read what i type at night.

But hi, I'm here. I'm sorry you are scared, and its going to be ok. You're going to get help.

[Dante]

Hi Larry, it's a bit later than your post, but I'm here too.  I'm sorry you're feeling sad, lonely and scared.  I get it, I feel that way too.  You're not alone.

Armee, thank you for sharing about thinking about the amazing people in your life.  I have some amazing people, but I don't think enough about that.  I too, still need "parents", and maybe I always will.

Larry, I agree with Armee.  You've taken the step to get help - hang in there.  It will take time but you will start to heal.  As bad I feel right now (I've been in an EF for almost 2 weeks) it's still better than I was on day one when I joined this site.  A big part of the amazing people in my life are my fellow travelers on the road to recovery on this site.

[Kizzie]

Larry I'm here too and sending you care and comfort - so sorry you're having a tough time.

It was really hard for me too for quite a while but as I talked here and went to therapy gradually the blackness lifted more often and wasn't as intense. I know "hang in there'" can sound trite but it's honestly the best suggestion I can give right now. I would also add to that get as much help and support as you can - therapist, addictions professional/group...

One thing you might try here is to write a letter to your abuser - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0.  The letter is for you, to say the things you need to say, to get them out which can help, especially when you can't/don't want to confront the person in real life.

[Larry]

thank you Kizzie