The Awakening - Review

[Sandals]

Pulling this out of the other thread, as it's a long one.    The Awakening

Please feel free to ask me any questions that may pop into your head, always up for some good conversation.

My overall take: I cannot believe how far I was taken over the course of 3 days. I have learned so much about myself, the stuff from the unconscious is incredibly powerful. I am still digesting a lot - this will likely take a few days to a week to write out, and still be evolving after that. This is very intense work. It may not be for everyone, but it was definitely what I was looking for (even though I didn't have a roadmap on how I would get there).

Workshop Overview

Overall, the workshop serves as a 3-day group therapy session - everyone defines their purpose on why they are there (approx 16 participants, equal number of assistants + 4 facilitators). Reasons for coming can vary a lot, but that adds to the richness of the work. Note that there is a lot of opportunity for talking, but I would not define this as CBT.

Here is an example of some of the reasons given by participants. Note that some of the core reasons evolved as we were further into the workshop.

-Wanting to find own voice, due to forced into peacekeeper role between parents as child
-Trauma from early-years doctor appointment, being forced to open legs due to infection; wanting to resolve for sexual reasons
-Suffered divorce, job loss, cancer diagnosis; wanted to reorient life
-Relationship fractured, wanting to heal; issues on both sides of relationship, including abandonment and no father figure
-Wanting to be able to feel emotions, repressed due to immigration and childhood bullying

Day 1 (starts in afternoon)
-Intro to workshop
-Your personal headline
-A check-in with a word on how you're feeling
-An elaboration on word and why you're there

My experience
My headline: "Shadow envelops the earth; look for patches of light to play in" - much more metaphorical than others' headlines, likely due to my avoidance

My check-in word: reflective (note - staying in my head here, avoiding feelings)

This was a good warmup for me in terms of getting to know everyone. My avoidant style showed true to nature and I didn't check in on this night; waited to go last on the next day. People were incredibly open, which blew me away. The facilitators were very warm and even though I am adverse to large groups of people I don't know, I was feeling relatively comfortable by the end of the night. Good food!

Day 2
-Cathartic breathwork
-Further check-ins and some work around them in group using but not limited to experiential therapy, mostly psychodrama (The art of psychodrama includes the recognition of a person's private and metaphorical language and the use of multiple perspectives to elicit the subjective experiences of the protagonist, the director and the group members.)
-Participant pair into groups of 2. They are also paired with 2 assistants (1 assistant per person). The pairing lasts for the entire weekend as is important for assimilation, bonding and going back into the "outside world."
-The small group works on individual goal setting, defining defenses that will come up, defining ways to help keep on track
-Final check-ins occur to ensure everyone in the group is heard
-In the evening, groups break out into a set of 4 participants + 4 assistants + 1 facilitator work on re-enactment. There is 1 re-enactment per person and the entire process per participant takes 1 hour. This includes time for setup, re-enactment, discussion, etc. NB: This is a very supportive environment, the participant is empowered to stop or change action at any time, and is also closely watched by assistants and facilitator for any interventions or changes needed. (Note: this is not exposure therapy. I found it to be similar to this article by vanderkolk.)

My experience
My goal for the weekend was Self love and Self acceptance. I knew these two things were key to healing, and as the weekend progressed it illustrated how essential they were.

My defenses: humour; logic/rationalization/emotional detachment; lying; diversion of attention onto others; disappearing

As I mentioned above, I was the last one to check-in. And it had become conspicuous by this point that I was going to be the last one to check in.    I was avoiding, due to the work that was being done during the check-ins; it was incredibly powerful stuff and very emotional and I was afraid of it. For example, one person talked about how she missed her father, who had passed away 20 years ago. They had her talk to someone who role-played her father, just in terms of having a figure there that she could say what she wanted to, and he would respond "I hear you." Then they switched roles and she became her father and told herself (the other person) the things that she thought he would say. Everyone was crying by the time that ended, as was she. But you could tell, too, that she felt incredibly peaceful. That's just one example, some were even more powerful.

The breathing exercise was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. If you haven't looked at the link, please have a look. I found after that in scientific terms, it stimulates the amygdala, which has a large capacity for fear-based memories, even those which we are not conscious of, which the pre-frontal cortex suppresses. Intense breathing, then, brings up more feelings of those things which you may be peripherally but not fully aware of. If you are doing this, it is also important to have a period of integration at the end so you are not just re-traumatized.

Some people had done this sort of breathwork before; I had not. It was strange to hear some people start to cry or shout as we went further into the session. Even though I was doing the work and felt slightly light-headed, I didn't experience the fear that everyone else seemed to. (Note: this came for me in the second session, I think I was just way too repressed for it to fully surface in the first one.) Near the end of the session, where the breathing slows, I did get some of the "high" that others did...and I thought I saw the sun and it was just glorious. And then I stopped and turned around and saw my mom - and saw hundreds and hundreds of pieces of me by her. I know that sounds very abstract, and it was, but it's the best that I can describe it as. This immediately pulled me off the high, but I was still calm. Near the very end, they ask you to turn over and look your partner in the eyes - this is part of the reconnecting/integration process.

I can't stress enough how much stuff like this needs to be done with experienced people. We had a minimum of 1 assistant per person, plus the facilitators. I couldn't imagine trying this on my own, especially after my experience in the second session.

When I checked in, I told my story (I won't repeat, it's in the intro section). I felt that the room was so quiet, although that was likely because I was speaking quietly. I stayed calm (repressed) through all of it, and the facilitators asked me a couple of gentle questions at the end, but didn't move into any sort of work in front of the group. I think they could tell I was pretty fragile, even though I was trying to appear calm and strong.

We did a few more small things and then moved into the re-enactment exercise I described above. This was even more powerful than the work done with the full group. It allowed participants to experience the point of trauma that they identified from multiple perspectives. After the role play was done, there would be an opportunity for people in the group to say what they saw - things like "you were brave" or "powerful," etc. The participant it was focused on would listen, breathe it in and then say, "thank you." There was also a journalling exercise at the end where your partner would take the notes for you.

My experience was very emotional, which is partly why it's taken me a while to write about it. We took a break before it was my turn and my T came to get me (I was in my room, slightly panicking - of course, I was last again  ). I assumed that my T would be the director, but instead one of the facilitators said he was going to direct; in the initial introductions, he had said the reason he had come there originally was because of a challenged family environment (my words, not his). He was extremely gentle with me and asked what I wanted to focus on...as I mentioned, I gave the full story at my check-in, so there were multiple events to go with.

I'm the sort of person that goes quiet and takes a while to come to a decision. I was really hesitant, too, because I didn't want my mom to be there - even if it was just a re-enactment. I told him that and I can't remember what he said back, but it was reassuring. So I decided to go all-in and do a familiar scene from my childhood. If my sister and I would fight, my mom would get angry and grab a yardstick from the laundry room; we would run up to our bedrooms to hide and she would come up to punish us. I remembered her loud steps and yelling and just fear in general preceding the hitting.

I chose who would play my mom, who would play my sister and who would be my guardian angel. I chose my T to be my guardian angel - their role is to be with you when you leave the room (the room might get changed around a bit and the director discusses sequencing of events, etc.). I was nervous - partially because of the re-enactment, but I also told her I was nervous that it would not work with me. When other people did their check-ins, they cried, were emotional, etc. I was not, I usually am not, just calm, due to emotional repressing. Then the director came and got us.

I went into the room and the scene began with me and my sister fighting over the TV. This felt forced to me, but I think that's pretty normal. Then my mom came in and started yelling, went to get the stick (they had pool noodles as props). The director showed me where my bedroom was and I promptly went on the bed and hid under the covers. My mom's loud footsteps came towards me and there were some loud thwacks from the pool noodle. Because I was under the covers and couldn't see, it was all auditory-based for me and my whole body jumped at every single one of them. But I was frozen emotionally, as I thought I would be.

The director then paused the scene and gently pulled the covers off of me. He asked me to stand up and I was shaking in my arms and my legs. I had a sweater on that I kept pulling on the ends with my hands. This next part is a little blurry, but here's what I remember. He asked me if I had anything I wanted to say to my mom. I said no, I didn't want to get angry. He said that anger doesn't always have to be associated with violence. I told him I wanted to disappear. He said, "Yes, you got very good at that, but you don't have to disappear anymore." (something like that, anyways, it was better when he said it. He asked if there was anything more I wanted to say to my mom and I looked at her and started crying, and told him I just wanted her to go away. So he said to tell her.

And then I yelled. I screamed at her to go away and to leave now. I went right up to her and screamed at her. And she stood there and said "I hear you." And I was so angry that she wouldn't go when I said that. I started slowly walking backward. He put his arm behind me so I wouldn't trip over the bed and asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. And the words that came out of my mouth were nothing I had articulated or even consciously thought before.

I started crying again, harder, and said I tried so hard to be good, but was never good enough. I asked her why she never loved me for who I was. And cried and cried. She said "I hear you." I screamed at her again to go away. And she said "I hear you." and she left.

One feeling that I observed & articulated was shame. It was so very overwhelming. When I said, "I feel so ashamed," I hung my head, my body was folding in on itself, I couldn't look at anyone.

Then they had someone stand in for my dad. I was very close to my dad, he was the opposite of my mom, and was devastated when he passed away 14 years ago. I still miss him enormously.

My dad said, "I love you" and even though I had stopped crying, I started crying again, even more. I looked at him and asked him why he didn't protect me. Again, another thing that I had never consciously thought. I can't remember the rest and the director ended the scene shortly after that.

The rest of the exercise, going around and hearing affirmations from other people was very healing. I was exhausted by this time (and it was late, around 11 pm) and we all went to bed after. I went to sleep thinking that this was going to be the biggest experience of my time there, not realizing it was the foundation for even more development.

[Sandals]

Part 2   

Day 3
-4-step exercise (full description below)

This is a very intense exercise that allows you discover your authentic self and get to the root of feelings you are using as a mask - a mask you could be unaware of. One person is The Reporter, another person is The Witness. Here is a quick summary of the process:
Part A: Uncensored expression. The intention of this process is to connect deeply to your emotions - you, being the reporter. It pulls you out of your head and into the emotions to contact the heart.
Step 1: Attack and Blame. The reporter shares uncensored the current upset state, withheld thoughts,conflicts, etc. Each statement begins with "I want you to hear that [insert attack thought here]." [I am angry, I hate it when you X, I resent Y, etc.]
The witness responds to each statement with "I hear you." (Note: if you are role-playing the witness, you are encouraged to think of a sheet of plexi-glass in between you and the reporter, as the emotions can run quite high).

The reporter: "I want you to hear that I am angry...that you were late again last night."
The witness: "I hear you."

If you are fully expressing your attacking mind, you will also heal your guilt & shame-based mind. Attacks should be present (not past) and always directed at the person they pertain to. Avoid long pauses between statements, as could indicate censoring. This step goes for 5 minutes.

Step 2: Contacting the vulnerable self
The theory here is that anger is a defence and once we've exhausted the attack level, we'll drop into the vulnerable self. The reporter's job is to expose and give voice to the vulnerable self by allowing the root feelings to emerge. If anger comes up again, Step 1 is not completed. The witness receives the communication by saying "I hear you" and invites more communication by adding, "Is there more?"

When the vulnerable self is present, the reporter adds in "just like when...", using the root feeling as a window to trace back into the past the point at which the reporter can first remember feeling the same way. The step feels more like a confession vs. an explanation.

The reporter: "I want you to hear that underneath my attachk, I really feel lonely. Just like when my Dad left when I was 6"
The witness: "I hear you. Is there more?"

The next step is redefining the source of the problem, having seen the vulnerability, from "out there" to "in here."

Part B: Returning to Love

Step 3: Revealing the Suspicion of self/other/world
The root feelings stem from issues, such as fear of not being good enough, worth enough, loveable, etc. These feelings have been amplified in Step 2 and now can be used as a conduit to the suspicion of self/other/world. The reporter simply keys into theh mistaken belief, as the witness continues to respond.

The reporter: "I want you to hear that I have been trying to prove my fear that I cannot trust...but I have been mistaken"
The witness: "I hear you. Is there more?"

Note that these are uncovering beliefs, *not* referring to behaviours or situations. e.g. You could not say "I want you to hear that I have been trying to prove my fear that that you will leave me, but I have been mistaken". Beliefs are focused on because they determine our experience; we have limited control over events and less over others, but we have control over what we choose to believe. 

Step 4: Correction through connection
This is the most important step of the process, as the reporter connects with the witness to correct mistaken beliefs and return to love and truth. It is important that the reporter actually believes the correction, so a step is added where the witness asks the reporter if they accept the truth. If you don't accept it, then say so, specifically as ownership is a major component of the exercise. The correction "remembering..." should always be framed in positive language, never negative. e.g. instead of saying "help me to remember I am not guilty" say "help me to remember that I am innocent."

Maintaining eye contact with the witness is critical, as the it helps us stay in the present.

The reporter: "Will you help me to transform the believe that I am not good enough, and remember the truth...that I am good enough, no matter what anyone else says."
The witness: "I will help you to remember the truth that you are good enough, no matter what anyone else says or does. Do you accept that you are good enough?"
The reporter: "I accept (or don't) that I am good enough."

Note - even though the witness says that they will help you to remember, the ownership of remember is on you, not the reporter

-Cathartic breathwork
-Check-back & final check-ins
-Closing / angel-work (just beautiful)

Ongoing follow-up support via Google groups

My experience

The 4-step exercise was extremely powerful for me. I was already more connected with my feelings from the night before. I chose to "make" the witness my ex. Again, yelling and tears, which are usually hard to access for me. And when it came to contacting the vulnerable self, it was wide open and I am still processing the things that I said. Stuff that i would never say to another person, like "I don't matter, I deserve pain, I'm not loveable." The list of truths in my sig are based on the corrections to these. I have still not accepted everything in there, but I go back and revisit often.

The cathartic breathing exercise, I am also still processing and it was extremely powerful this time. I think this was due to me being so opened up. I accessed the emotions of my mom's physical abuse and other abuses, and was vocalizing a lot. I believe I dissociated for a bit, right in the middle. By the time I returned to my body, the music had turned to more soothing stuff, but my body was ramping up again, accessing even more deeply. First it was a return to the physical abuse, and then it went deeper, and I remember my body jerking. My T saw that it and she she encouraged me to let it out. What came out of my mouth was "Get off of me" several times and then I think I screamed, loudly, but I don't remember this completely.  I had told my T about a time when one of my brothers touched me when we were play-fighting, but this felt different, like someone holding me down by my collarbones. I'm not sure what it means, but it was powerful. Afterward, I laid still and cried a bit and the rolled onto my side and curled up in a ball. Lucky for me, that was the side my partner was on, so we connected and it helped ground me and gently bring me back.

After this we had lunch, but I caught a nap instead. Then we did some closing exercises to prep for going out into the real world, assimilating what we had learned. I am so thankful my T was there with me, both for support and so we can continue talking about this as I think it will contribute greatly to my healing. Then we all had final check-ins, which were fun. It was so awesome to see people coming into the circle, raising their hands above their heads and yelling, "I HAVE A VOICE!" or whatever their word/thought was.

At the very end, both participants and assistants formed 2 rows. One by one, everyone went down the row. You would stop when there were 2 new people, and each would simultaneously whisper positive things into your ear. I cannot explain it, but this was seriously one of the most magical things I've experienced in my life.

There are lots of other things I've left out of this experience, but I think this gets at the main ones. I would recommend this experience to everyone. You need to bring your whole self to it - but I wouldn't say you need to be "ready" (at least, I wouldn't term myself as ready for it) - just committed to bringing yourself forward as much as you can. Nobody will push you. They will encourage you, but the choices are all up to you.

Please feel free to ask me any questions.

[Sandals]

Just a small note, as I was browsing van der kolk's The Body Keeps the Score (I know some here have read it already) and spotted this quote.

There are fundamentally three avenues [to help survivors]:
1) top-down, by (re)connecting with others, and allowing ourselves to know and understand what is going on with us, while processing the memories of trauma
2) by taking medicines that shut down inappropriate alarm reactions, or by utilizing other technologies that change the way the brain organizes information
3) bottom up: by allowing the body to have experiences that deeply and viscerally contradict the helplessness, rage, or collapse that results from trauma

I think that what this workshop does really effectively is number 3 and that it's hard to find something or someone that can help process from the bottom up. This is also what I am so thankful for my T in helping with, too. All of you and reading/researching online help with number 1, so it's a good balance for me.

[Rain]

 

[Badmemories]

  Sandal:

I checked out the Website and realized that They have some retreats in Portland. Or. Wished I had enough $$ to take both me and H. Maybe It would NOT be a good thing for both of Us to go at the same time, but we'd have too!  My Husbands family lives in Portland and I do get there sometimes.. about Once per year.

He does NOT realize that He has cPTSD... More and More as I learn the symptoms for Myself, I do see that He has components of cPTSD. He has been talking about going to a therapist.  .. Then I see how we are triggering each other! 

Keep on Keeping on!

[Sandals]

Bumping this as I'm going again...in May. I'm both more and less nervous. And both of those are because I know more what's going on.

My T won't be there...I wish she would be, but it's not in the cards. That, too, makes me nervous. But I wouldn't be going again if I didn't believe there are more compelling reasons for me to go than not. It's just scary, as you guys know, jumping in again with both feet. Gulp.