Hello *waves

[Nab]

   Hello.

Yep another newbie.  I have been researching how my brain was bent as a child from a physiological sense and unpacking some issues. I'm pretty much self diagnosed because our public mental health system is a bit  and i'm poor. and because I've always seemed to be high functioning, any problems have been treated like just anxiety or , dare I say it...made up - GP's can be stupid. 

My mother was "difficult" to live with and it's only really been since her passing away in 2017 that her influence has withered and repressed memories have surfaced as her various compulsions have crumpled. 46 years of my life. ....And I am who I am in spite of her. From what I can remember, the abuse started when I was about 2years old and included a lot of smacking, smacking with an object, violence, threats, gaslighting and mind games. Most of the physical violence was over by the time I was 6yrs and was the threat of violence, gaslighting, manipulation and mind games.

During 2019 I finally told Dad what she was like when he wasn't looking... I was also having health problems.  More stupid doctors.
In Nov 2019, I was fitted with a dual-lead pacemaker for bradycardia (slow HR) and Complete Heart Block (Faulty AV node). In hindsight, I'd been having heart probs since about 8 months after she passed away. Now 2 -more years later another BIG memory has surfaced and I'm a different person. Better. Whole.

Seems I had suffered a localised dissociative amnesia ...one that has lasted for 33 years    Transitioning this ...the new CPTSD from that, unpacking the trauma, realising that a piece of my soul broke off that day and now, with that door opened, younger me has been merging back into older me. Odd sensation to say the least. This feeling of being two me's becoming one again.  I've been doing this without meds and only a smidgen of free counselling....because stupid GP didn't take me seriously and refer me to a specialist like I requested.   

In the last week, I've just started taking a lowish dose dosulepin (TCA that I've taken before), and my cardiologist allows me to take it. It works very well (helps stop me going down the rabbit holes) and works pretty much immediately...the opposite of the norm. I take it in the morning because it doesn't make me sleepy - It wakes me up.

I here to learn, share stuff and grow. 

[Not Alone]

Welcome, Nab. 

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Nab --  .

It can be very lonely on this path away (hopefully) from so much hurt, and maybe we can finally find out not so much what went wrong, but how we can turn towards better things. Here's hoping you find more of that from being here.

Welcome.

[Bermuda]

Hey there Nab, welcome. I can really relate to early struggles with GPs. It's good to be taking the steps on your own for yourself. Glad you're here!

[Armee]

 

Welcome. Our moms sound similar. Mine also recently passed away and it has been a relief, also with some but not much recovery of memory. I'm intrigued by your description of two selves merging into one! Amazing you are doing this work on your own. I wish you had support...everyone deserves it.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Nab    So sorry for what you went thru with your M - lots of us here get it so hopefully you will find validation, support and understanding here. That feeling of integration is what many of us are striving for here so looking forward to hearing more about that.

I posted a response to your thread about the med you're on - I don't know think many doctors are fully cognizant (or accepting) of the different reactions survivors  can have to meds.  They're not overly knowledgeable about the impact of relational trauma physically so there's work to be done to get them to look at us somewhat differently than the non-survivor population whose bodies haven't been exposed to ongoing traumatic stress.  It's much like when medicine was based on research using white North American males and didn't take into account differences in gender, age, culture, race/ethnicity...   I think we're more of a medical sub-population than is known currently.

[Larry]

Hi Nab 

[tea-the-artist]

welcome nab and thank you for sharing your history with us! wishing you luck on your journey to being fully whole again!