Wanting out

[alliematt]

I have SI on occasion.  NO, I do not have a plan nor would I follow through. But I just want out from under everything. There seems like so much going on and I at times just lose the energy to get through it. I have a special needs son, I have my own physical/mental problems, and my feeling is that I just can't cope. I'd rather have someone else cope. (I have also been ill the last day or so and things always look worse when I'm sick.)

But I also have a list of people who would be devastated if I weren't here, and my poor son would be traumatized.

[Bach]

alliematt, I just want to say that I hear you and I understand.  I have often experienced that too.  Even when you know that you won't do it and that you will somehow cope and keep going, the thoughts are still there and can feel like a tremendous burden.  I'm thinking of you and I hope you have some relief soon.

[woodsgnome]

I'll join Bach and all the rest here who I'm sure have reached the low mood levels you've dared to share here.

I just wish I had the instant salve that would soothe all that's going on with and around you.

I'm here, and maybe you can step back and visualize all the others who've experienced this trapped feeling. Hard as it's been, they've found ways to keep on keeping on. With them, I join in extending that sort of wish to build on.

[alliematt]

Thank you all!

[Armee]

Hi, I'm here and hear you too. I think given everything you have going on it makes sense to feel so overwhelmed and overburdened and like you need a way to escape it. It's a lot. Honestly it is too much, something does need to give...just not your life and wellbeing. Something else. 

[alliematt]

I work from home and need to pay back debt I've accumulated from student loans.
I have multiple health concerns; none fatal but at least one is incurable (a chronically painful bladder); and I also deal with depression, anxiety, and OCD — and I suspect I have C-PTSD from being bullied as a kid (every year for 12 years) and being subject to spiritual abuse in college.
My grown son is autistic, and that alone would be enough stress without everything else. I am afraid there will be no safety net for him.
And I'm such a perfectionist that it's not even funny. I'm not surprised that I want out.