How CPSTD has impacted my romantic relationships TW: suicide

[Keirshy]

Hey everyone, I have been thinking a lot about my dating history and I've learnt a lot of things about it. I hope by posting here I can release some of the shame I feel, and maybe someone would relate too.

In the past I was using romantic relationships in two ways.

1. To engineer an escape from my toxic home. Eg by moving away by moving in with a partner.
2. To distract myself from the pain of being rejected by my mother.

I realise now that no matter how painful breakups and toxic relationships were, they never came close to the pain of being rejected by my parent every single day. That familiarity (pain), plus a "better situation" (less pain), made me feel being with such toxic and abusive partners was a perfect match.

To heal, I need to feel the depth of my devastation at knowing the truth: I was a loving and lovable child, and yet my mother and father couldn't give me the love I needed.

The fear, the smell of anxiety, the gut wrenching pangs of tears in my eyes. That's what I want to know about myself. I want to understand. It's all this that makes me beautiful.

My mother abused my love and devotion, using it to take out her frustrations with herself on me. She sullied my pure intentions by lying to others about who I am. She separated me from my brother. She made me hate myself, thinking that I deserved all that mistreatment.

What are the consequences of my mother's behaviour?

My dad killed himself because she made everything his fault, and no matter what he did, she wasn't ever going to let him be happy. She just wanted to be unhappy, and so her partner had to be unhappy too.

I internalised all of her words. I believed for more than a decade that I was to blame for all the frustrations between us. I decided I was bad, and thought I deserved all the bad things that happened to me. I felt it was normal to be mistreated and miserable, and I subconsciously sought it out in partners. And thus I became miserable in all my romantic relationships.

I never felt safe. I became hypervigilant, even being able to predict movie endings. And I was proud of that. I was trained to fawn and make myself small. I lived in fear, never able to do the things I wanted. I only ever tried to escape the pain by dissociating or fleeing.

These emotions are actually the same as how my narc ex made me feel. If we'd kept going, I'm sure I'd feel even more like this. I'd become completely terrified, self-blaming, and never achieve my dreams. Shudder

Maybe by becoming self-aware of these patterns I've taken the first step. I'm not sure what to do now though.

[Chart]

Hi Keirshy, I see you wrote this in September of last year. Your story breaks my heart. I am so deeply sorry and sad to read your tale. I want to relate to your experience by telling a bit my own. But I need time and unfortunately have none of that at the moment. I hope you are doing okay. Respond if you want and we can exchange some more. Much love and support!!!

[Kizzie]

I'm sorry we missed your post Keirshy and just wanted to say it's not because of what you wrote, but sometimes it happens here and it's unfortunate because we really want everyone to be heard and respond. It may have been a day or two when there were just a heap of posts I don't know but I did want you to know you are important to the community.

Becoming aware of patterns is a really important step so hope you have continued to do so and that you will return to let us know how you are doing.

    Kizzie

[Phoebes]

Hi Keirshy,

I just saw this as well. I hope you still check here and see this!
I resonated very deeply with what you wrote, and I'm so very sorry about your dad.
I could have written your post- we must have very similar moms. I was just thinking lately in the way I speak to myself now when memories and flashbacks happen, remembering how I was a pure-hearted, loving kid, and loved my mother very much as a child. Her hatred of me became a life long problem that I internalized and played out in relationships, too. I can't fathom these men I used to choose. And I know people who knew me were befuddled and judged me for it, since I also had the ability to appear self-sufficient and happy at all times.

Anyway, I feel for you and I am right there with you.
Phoebes

[Desert Flower]

I can surely relate too Keirshy.
I also internalised all the hatred that was poured over me.
And I had in fact wanted to write something about these repetitive patterns that we have. We keep repeating them untill we become aware and strong enough to see what is/was actually going on.
For me, it was my mother making me feel small and unloved, into being bullied for ten years by the same girl whom everybody thought was my best friend into being sexually abused by my so-called boyfriend. It seems indeed we were trying to get out of one awful situation, only to fall into the next one. Stumbling on.
Not anymore though, I'm now finally starting to see all of this for real and starting to care of myself. I hope you can too.