Wife's past

[Second Son]

I recently found out that my wife of 32 years had an affair with her boss before we met. She hinted that she didn't want to. I tend to believe that because she has a very negative view of sex, and our personal life has been nearly non-existence for the past 15 years.

What bothers me I think she has restarted this affair at least once during our marriage about 20 years ago. I've tried to talk about it with her, but she gets angry, close to violent.
Do I just let it go because it's the past ?  I honestly think my wife has used sex to control some of the men in her life. Looking back to the beginning of our relationship I feel that she did that with me.  Forget and stay with no sex life ? I feel unhappy and unloved she resists physical contact,
some times even hugs,,  but at 62 years old, starting over doesn't sound appealing.

[Kizzie]

Hi SS - I would imagine her negative responses would bring up feelings of abandonment/rejection, especially as a survivor of relational trauma with Complex PTSD. 

I don't think it's the place of any of us here to tell you whether to let it go or not though. I'm OK suggesting it might be an idea to see if she will go to a marriage councilor with you if you're unable to talk with one another at the moment. There may be things going on with her that she's not able to tell you and having that safe person guiding you both may help to see what that is and what you both could do to help matters.

[Second Son]

Thank you, I've been trying to convince her to try couples or individual counseling for her. I've been going to therapy for years, but feel embarrassed to bring up things that could make my wife look bad

[Kizzie]

What about talking to your therapist about this whole issue given it looms so large in your life and ties into your CPTSD?

[Second Son]

Yes, I will.  The submissive part of me says, Let it go, it happened 20 years ago. The other part of me imagines that it started before we married,, and then went on for years after we got married and they talked about how stupid I was not to see what was happening.
I have C ptsd and ADD, now that I'm on Ritalin I was able to focus and connect the dots and so many things make sense

[Kizzie]

I hope it will help to talk with your T and look at how this ties into your past trauma.  One thing I've found I do is project my fear of rejection and abandonment onto people in my live and then have flight/freeze/fight/fawn responses to protect myself.  You may want to read some of Pete Walker's work - this is an article about these trauma responses - http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm.  If it resonates he's got lots of articles and has written a number of books you may find helpful. 

[Second Son]

Thank you Kizzie,  yes the primary issue is trust. I was abused my  father, who kidnapped me from school after my mom kicked him out. My brother and I were taken as leverage so my mom would take my dad back.  When my dad got a girlfriend and didn't want to save his marriage, I was put in a foster home,  but my dad kept my brother.
I joined the Navy at 17 years old and married at 18. During 3 nine month deployments she was a serial cheater.  I married my current wife 2 years after I divorced the first.
Yes I have serious trust issues

[Armee]

That's all a really tough history you've been through with trust and no wonder this one is so difficult. I'd be terrified to try to work through this current issue on my own and hope you can find a way to get guidance from your T without feeling like you are somehow betraying your wife. It's OK to talk about this in therapy.

[Kizzie]

Yes I have serious trust issues

I can certainly understand why you do Second Son   

We're all in the lack of trust boat together here it seems; perfectly understandable given what we went through. Why would we trust anyone? Intellectual me knows there are trustworthy people out there, emotional me is struggling to see/feel that.

At least I know now I need to regulate my emotions/reactions, to basically see through different eyes versus projecting my fear and anger.  It's very much a work-in-progress but I am seeing glimmers of light now and again. Part of the process has been therapy, part posting here, and part me just wanting to feel better, do better in relationships.

I hope the same is true for you, that you will see progress because you do now have places to talk/share, info/resources about trauma and CPTSD, and a supportive community where we do all get it.