Insight into My CPTSD and Addiction to Food

[Kizzie]

Tks for this Dolly! 

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie and everyone,

I have very high hopes that this really helps you, Kizzie. I'm not yet diabetic, but with a long family history of it, I know it's just a matter of time. Ozempic may be good for me one day too. I know that eating disorders are a huge issue for many of us Fawn types, and that the solution is not an easy one.

I believe that my own eating disorder covers 1) physical (heredity and brain function), 2) mental (behaviors and habits) and 3) spiritual (my lack of self-love). Your post is addressing a Physical aspect of our eating disorders. This response will address a possible Spiritual aspect and how it affects the Mental habits.

Mental: As far as habit and behaviors go, I feel powerless against my mental behaviors associated with yo-yo-dieting right now, so for me to just say "I'm going to go on that same diet one more time and see if it sticks this time" is not productive. Doing the same thing while expecting different results is just a promise to repeat the cycle of yo-yoing one more time.

Spiritual: I've determined that I can't address my eating and laziness by "changing my behaviors" so I'm going to try to use the spiritual tack instead. (I believe spirituality is not exclusively a religious term but is how I fundamentally understand that I'm an integrated part of something bigger than myself).

My problem is self-loathing. CPTSD—the gift that keeps on giving, right? The only psychology course I've ever taken was The Psychology of Health 101, where I learned the psychological reasons why we do and don't take care of our health. The class helped me to understand that we make constant subconscious behavioral choices based on our fundamental beliefs. If I believe I'm not lovable, then naturally I make minute-by-minute subconscious micro-choices about diet and exercise behaviors which feed that belief.

I also believe that the human brain always makes choices to move away from the greatest pain. When we smoke, or binge drink, or overeat comfort foods, our brain is moving away from the greater pain of dealing with real life. Until we believe it's less painful to deal with EFs or real life, our brains will continue to choose the behavior that feels less painful.

To be blunt: I don't love myself. So, for me it's less painful each evening to eat comfort food and rest on the couch than it is to go against my belief that I'm not worth going to the trouble of eating healthy and going for a walk. So, every night, my brain moves away from it's perceived pain, which is toward TV and ice cream.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." – Anias Nin. (Another of my all-time favorite famous quotes)

I quit smoking in 1988 and quit drinking in 2014 by learning, learning, learning about the negative effects of the addictions. In both cases I was at war with my addictions. From 2009 to 2014, it was Jim against Booze. I kept taking the wrong side. Every time I opened a bottle and made the excuse of why it was okay to drink that night, I took the booze's side, giving it more power against Jim. But by at least admitting that I was NOT serving my healthier self with every drink, then every time I opened a bottle and admitted that I was harming myself, I took Jim's side and gave a bit more energy to Jim's side of the war. Then I joined AA, but not to partake in their tricks and techniques, but to bombard Jim's side of the war with more and more knowledge. I never followed the 12 steps, nor took a sponsor. I just attended meetings for a year or so to listen over and over and over again to people telling me how booze ruined their lives and the lives of their families. The more I listened, the more evidence I gave to Jim's side of the war until one day the pain of the nasty side effects of drinking became greater than the pain of dealing with my EFs and self-loathing.

My goal now, is to try to find that same kind of information about food and exercise WHILE I seek help for the self-loathing. Maybe one day, I'll start to love myself enough that my micro-decisions of what I crave will start automatically choosing foods that make me feel good, instead of feeling lazy and bloated.

This is not an easy answer for any of us. I just hope that if I combine what you all know about how to control our eating with what I'm learning from my therapist and whatever books address the psychology of healing from the self-loathing aspect of CPTSD, that perhaps all these things will bombard my brain with reasons to move away from the greater pain of being overweight and lazy, and toward the lesser pain of feeling healthy and strong.

Learning about Ozempic is one of the sciences I'm choosing to learn about. Rather than just sit here thinking this is all behavioral, I'm wise to explore what you have learned, and see how it can fit into my multi-pronged approach to a better life. This strategy helped me quit smoking and quit drinking. Maybe, just maybe, I can follow this plan again and maybe it'll help with diet and exercise. I feel like I'm half dead right now, but I can't seem to find the strength to want to feel better. So I'm going to bombard my brain with information that hopefully moves the scale in my favor before it's too late to fix this.

[Armee]

Thanks Papa Coco for writing this. I appreciate your long posts because they are very thoughtful and thought-provoking. You are a good writer. Please keep sharing as you are able.

I haven't identified with binge eating, but I do. I also over drink but shy of being alcoholic or binge drinking. I think. Maybe. 1-2 drinks most nights. But before reading this I was standing in the kitchen feeling like garbage and I and the thought crossed my mind: you should drink some water you dummy. You need water." I attempted to ignore it but my brain reminded me it couldn't remember the last time I drank water. Like days and days. Probably I had a cup of herbal tea a few days ago. And i realized that i needed to treat myself better. I deserve to drink water when I'm thirsty, right? I mean I'm sorry this was never modeled to you little Armee but you're an adult now and you need to drink you idiot.

Your post makes me realize  it is the kindness piece that is missing. I don't deserve to be taken care must be the message underlying this. And I can badger myself into drinking a cup of water by being mean but the real shift will be if I can love myself enough to listen to what I need and lovingly give it to myself.