Family

[Mary Ann]

The catch in the back of my throat at the smell
Of coal smoke and expectancy in the cold thin air
The rooks in the trees, giving solemn voice to my dread
Of feeling dirty and not like anyone else, but it's family
Not just belonging...they own me and everyone can see
Fear, longing and hero worship, all in the same shaking breath
Heart bursting with love, and anguish,
Carefully hidden disgust, eyes down face stained with shame

The safest places are the scariest, and it's costly when
Comfort is tinged with danger, and ever present fear
Like the paraffin heater that could catch fire and engulf me,
Destroy me as I slept
But I loved the smell, craved the warmth
In the fabric strewn rainbow cave of her room
Till my being there provoked anger
As bitter and corrosive as the salt wind off the sea.

I feel the numbness descending  in the dark by the shore
Or rising like a tide  of stupid to steal away my thoughts,
Makes my eyes feel meltey and the cold not there
As I watch the lights form strings of amber
Across the black obsidian bay
Hear the sighing, smell the water
I drift inward to nothing
And this is what comfort feels like.

I longed for his voice
Craved his approval, however thoughtless and absent
His words, throwaway phrases which seemed clever to me
And which I stored up and held
Close to my heart like a talisman against evil
To be unleashed in triumph in my desperate need
But I was laughed at for them, ridiculed
My only defence used as a weapon to be flung back against me

I wore my depression like a cloak,
My anxiety like a shield against harm,
In anticipation, no in the certainty of hurt
And the ever present push pull
Of my dearest loves being my darkest griefs,
In my terror of life, I envied the old
Who had no expectations laid upon them
Only that they'd die, and deaths embrace meant safety.

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I wrote this when I was visiting a place I'd lived when I was a kid, it was on the coast.
The smells of coal smoke in the cold provoked lots of feelings which took me back....and so I did a bit of writing.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing this.

[Armee]

You're a very talented writer MaryAnn! Thank you for sharing these with us!

[paul72]

Thank you for sharing this Mary Ann
Your gift of writing is quite something.. your fear comes out in your words.
Fear is often all I can remember .. i found your poem quite beautiful and helpful, with how expressive you were able to be.
Thank you.. and I hope you can feel safe today!