Trapped

[sanmagic7]

i am trapped in a glass box, curled up against what i cannot bear to bear,
     leave the past in the past,
     let go and let god,
     try to think of the good things in your life,
     don't keep dragging forward those memories . . .

they mean well, but to me their platitudes mean nothing

does no one think that if i could do any of that
relieve myself of this ongoing pain
cleanse my being of what i know
that i wouldn't do it in a moment?

do they really think i want to be this way?
that i haven't tried everything in everyone's book
that i haven't tried stilling my mind, making myself blind to the past?

i'm scared to emerge from that glass box.
it feels like the only thing protecting me
from the shards of reality
that would rain down upon me
if it were smashed.

there's nothing else i can do now but watch my world unfold
nothing left to be told
no one left to scold
until someday either the glass melts
or i do.

for now, it is clear as glass
i can wish for, hope for, pray for strength
to remain curled, unfurled,
until answers are swirled around me
and i can grab onto the tale of a kite
which will lift me with the gift of relief.

[Kizzie]

Sending a BIG hug San     

After a lot of time recently in inpatient care recently I have come away feeling much like you - tired of platitudes, a feeling there is a lack of understanding of just how painful and debilitating CPTSD is, and a question - "will I ever find what I need to heal?" 

I came across a group of therapists yesterday that I am going to try because they talk about NOT resorting to platitudes but real conversation and relational therapy.  I didn't think there was anything quite like this out there but thought I'd give you the link as it might give you some hope that you could find something similar in your area, something real.

https://www.calgarynarrativecollective.com/about-narrative-therapy

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie.  too beat to look now, but i hope you find something hopeful there.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

 

[Snowdrop]

 

[Not Alone]

San, thank you for sharing your powerful poem.

[sanmagic7]

armee, rainy, snowdrop, notalone, thank you so for your support.  i needed this tonite.  i'm suffering.

[Armee]

 

You have suffered.

[Bach]

I've been feeling this way for a long time. Thank you for your poignant words, san.

Sending lots of love 

[sanmagic7]

armee and bach, those hugs feel wonderful.  thank you.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you for sharing your poem, san! Sounds like your glass box is a safe place to stay in atm. Sorry if that's a platitude. Not meant to be. 

[sanmagic7]

didn't sound at all like a platitude, blueberry.  it sounded like you know what you're talking about.  thanks