frustrated and so very tired

[sanmagic7]

it's so hard to wrap my head around the idea that this crapola keeps on coming up, over and over and over and over again.  different triggers from too many sources of abuse and trauma throughout my lifetime.  sometimes i feel so needy, just wanting to lay down and rest or run run run from all this.  i'm unsettled, distressed, and disturbed.  seemingly some new issue to target for processing rears its ugly head each session - 2x/week for over 2 yrs.- and, while there is some progress made on each one, some tangent appears and demands to be dealt with, leaving the original target in the dust and mostly unresolved. 

just having a hard time settling, feeling any kind of stillness inside.  i had it for about 1/2 of a day last week for the first time, so i know things are progressing, but this whack-a-mole crapola is driving me bonkers, and not in a fun way.  also dealing with my D's burnout right now isn't helping.  too many triggers to manage on a daily basis, and right now they seem to be getting the better of me.

[Kizzie]

My dear San, I am so sorry to hear this   

Maybe you need to turn your focus in therapy for a bit onto how much progress you've made?  I've noticed over the years a tendency in therapy to keep digging when sometimes we need a pause, a hot cup of tea, maybe a hug and some reflection on what's going right. Soak in it for a bit of you know what I mean.

I know we're paying our T's so we don't want to 'waste' money but our life has always been so unbalanced, towards the negative, maybe part of healing/recovery means looking at the other side of that, to begin to counterbalance things in our hearts, minds and bodies. 

Anyway San, I'd like to send a positive your way: you inspire me and no doubt others here because you've always been honest and caring as a person and tenacious when it comes to recovery   

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thank you for your thoughts, perspective, and kind words.     unfortunately, as much as i respect you and know you'd wish me no harm, my mind ran amok with what you said.  the more i thought about your suggestions, the more agitated i got.  my mind ran to a place of 'does she see that i'm not doing enough about taking care of myself?'  'i thought betw. my T and me i've been doing a pretty good job of that',  i do take pauses in therapy, take breaks, enjoy sitting in a rocker on my balcony most every day, etc.'

that's the party continually going on in my mind.  it goes places i never think it might go beforehand and wreaks havoc with my mental/emotional well-being.  after 2 hrs. of playing on the computer, the anxiety of those thoughts built up to a point where xanax was my best friend.  not your fault, kizzie - i know, logically, your intentions.  my mind has been trained so well to define myself by what other people think, and i'm working on that.  it's just so automatic at times, and goes down the track like a runaway freight train which i am at a loss to catch and stop.  with my alexithymia and autistic edge, i've often had no clue as to who i am, and have had to look at others to get a cue.  one big messy circle.  i really appreciate you responding to me, tho.  thanks again.

another example happened last nite.  watching a fun rom-com with my D, they talked about the movie 'camelot'.  it ended up being such a huge trigger for me that i sobbed thru the rest of the movie, felt gutted, lost my legs.  still don't have them back.  don't know when i'll get full use of them again.  what that trigger did was tap into un-felt feelings and emotions from him dumping me over 50 yrs. ago - feelings and emotions i didn't have at the time, couldn't recognize, and certainly didn't feel.  well, last nite i felt all the hurt and pain that breakup included, felt it all at once for the first time ever.  that's what i mean by this stuff coming up over and over again.

it takes me by surprise every time.  that rom-com was supposed to be a fun, enjoyable time, and instead i wound up feeling the wounds to my heart i'd never felt before.  one good thing was that i let them play out, sat with them, but the results with my legs is the cost of doing that.  it's so frustrating, tiring, wearing, and disheartening.  i had to cancel a visit w/ a friend today cuz i'm still so heartbroken and raw..

i've lived a lot of life, survived it all in some way or another, but now that my brain is beginning to unfreeze, i'm also paying the price for having survived.  sometimes it feels like it's too much and i don't want to do this anymore. but, i'll get thru it - i always have.

[Kizzie]

Understood San, I'm glad you were honest with me. TBH I too find that as I unfreeze, it's become a lot and I wonder if this really is better than dissociating, etc.  I haven't wanted to talk about that much here because I don't want to discourage anyone but I think I understand better now what you were posting about.   

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thanks for your honesty.  it helps knowing i'm not the only one with such feelings and thoughts about all this.  if you ever want to speak more freely, please PM me.  i'd be happy to have such discourse with you.   

[Kizzie]

   Tks San.