What a bumpy road this is

[witnessoflucidhypocrisy]

I'm certainly making progress but still find myself repeating the same old unproductive habits. I still find myself compartmentalizing aspects of my brother's behavior so that I can justify it for him. As if asserting to him that our parents pushed false beliefs on both of us that he could understand how acting on that belief has hurt me. He has claimed to have taken responsibility for my life in regard to his interactions with these beliefs. And I know he won't let go of one of the few things he received positive regard for from our parents. Every time I catch myself doing this I get frustrated with myself for unconsciously removing the context of the rest of our relationship.

I've been LC with him for a while and this has toned him down a bit. But every time I see him, his testing, or should I say pushing, my boundaries it reminds me that NC is the goal. In the moment I haven't felt any need to react to his provocations but, when thinking about it after, the recognition that he is probing really gets under my skin.

Now on the positive side of compartmentalizing I am finding that I'm not bringing that energy with me out into the rest of the world as much. And thoughts about my goals to improve my life have prevailed more often than not, if only by a small margin, over the arguments I have with him in my head. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that my healing will accelerate a lot when I am finally able to go NC.

[woodsgnome]

You're spot on, witnessoflucidhypocrisy (ex-geopolis?), with regards to a tone in your post you may not see. If you're like me, you might tend to see all the bad stuff that went on, but the new light coming into view still seems too strange. And that's alright -- it can take lots of aimless and sad wandering around the old stuff before the light starts glowing brighter.

I think you said it well: " ... thoughts about my goals to improve my life have prevailed more often than not ..."
You sense the light progressing, and perhaps that factors into the thought that NC, for a while or however long you choose, might create enough separation, for now, to work out what needs working out.

The healing is happening, even if just posting about it is still towards the journey's start. A start is still a start, and you seem aware of the change. Though it's sometimes hard to see, I hope you can keep the light you've noticed in your sights. There may even be further blips on this rocky road, and the light might flicker at times, but you've set goals and are finding ways to find your true path. In the process may you continue the healing you sense has started. 

[Kizzie]

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that my healing will accelerate a lot when I am finally able to go NC.

Speaking for myself I found it was a process that took place over time because of how emotionally fraught it was.  Sounds like you're getting ready but taking you're time until it's time and that's prudent self-care  IMO. 

[BeeKeeper]

woodsgnome said:

it can take lots of aimless and sad wandering around the old stuff before the light starts glowing brighter

And you are seeing that brighter way because you

not bringing that energy with me out into the rest of the world as much.

.

One of the hardest things for me was and still is: patience with myself. You'll get where you want to be as long as you continue to keep that in your sights.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with the others - this is your process, your pace, your timeline.  i think it's a lot of progress to be able to recognize when someone is pushing our boundaries, our buttons, our beliefs.  sounds like you're doing what you need for you.  yep, self-care.   

[witnessoflucidhypocrisy]

I keep checking in on others posts from time to time to be inspired and not feel so alone. I had tried to respond to someone else's post, and even though the feelings and intentions were genuine, looking back on it something about the way I voiced it reminded me so much of my FOO that I ran away from actually participating in this community. It felt more like I was trying to play a character than connect. I appreciate the response to my last post, wish I had kept that interaction going. I don't feel like I've made any progress since then. As uncomfortable as it feels I think I'm going to allow myself to be a little selfish and just focus on my own posts so that I don't run away again.

I think the only thing that has changed is that I've committed to living in my car over asking FOO for any more help. Which if things don't change that will happen about a month from now. I can barely even talk to my brother at all without feeling too panicky to function for weeks after. My T has helped me get to a place where I feel worthy of some help and have started reaching out to agencies that may be able to provide some assistance. The idea of living in my car leaves me feeling a little defeated. The future is a big question mark and I hope for the best but am really afraid of the worst.

[witnessoflucidhypocrisy]

I know that moving out of my brother's house will allow me to change. I've observed good changes in myself every time I have been able to maintain LC. I know that will be true no matter how it happens. I keep telling myself that even living in a car will be so much better than dealing with him continuing to gaslight me but am still terrified to give up what security there is to having a roof over my head.

I'm starting to think of him as Don Quixote, so certain he is slaying ogres when in reality he is demolishing windmills. Myself as the townsperson who had been brainwashed into accepting his stories of heroic deeds in my life. Try to point out that his actions were actually destructive largely because of how I believed so wholeheartedly in his desire for my growth and wellbeing and am met with the response that the problem is how I interpreted his intentions. He comes out of nowhere needing to assert this again and again especially every time I start to gain some momentum. I felt responsible for causing him to be so mad that I had to wipe his spit off my face while listening to him stomp off despite this being the time of highest achievement in my life of my own volition. Hearing him say he had only ever tried to give me "pep talks" was... just too much. That was back in the beginning of December, this is when my heart sunk and I realized there was no hope of real communication with him. I had already starting grieving some of the ideas of him I held but this hit me hard. I've been pretty shut down for the last few months going through the anger and bargaining stages of grief. Just starting to come out of it.


After having said it I don't want to avoid being supportive of others on here I just don't know how to do it in a way that feels like my own voice. I found myself wondering if I was projecting my own wants and needs for my own healing. And my attempt at being supportive looking on the surface like FOO asserting their identity as being supportive while lacking any connection to my experience made me feel like I was running my own broadcast of the -Look how supportive I am- show. I want to actually be supportive of others but find myself avoiding it unless I can do it without being noticed. I guess some others on here know what it is like to go through this internal conflict. Maybe I just need to push through the discomfort of feeling phony and do it anyway much like other areas of healing. Guess I'll try.

[Armee]

 

There's no expectation of being anything here, OK? Sometimes we can't do anything but read. Posting in your own journal is really positive. Please keep it up without feeling like you owe something. It's scary and difficult to post a reply.

I hope you can get someplace safe soon and that one of the agencies is able to help. Living with an abuser is terrible. It just sounds so difficult to try to make such a stark choice between living with him and living out of a car.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the image of Don Quixote - that resonates with me.  I appreciate you sharing you experiences.

[woodsgnome]

One of the hardest things for me to discover, on this forum or in other places, is allowing myself to feel as if I deserve the good wishes and more of people I don't even know personally.

I was, and remain, so  unsure about others, and unsure if I can trust anyone, especially their sincerity. I'm still desperate for hope, though; that was foolish, especially with regards to my old FOO. Building back to (or dare to) want to trust others became just as difficult. I'm still shaky about trust, but slowly learning to accept that someone, somewhere, might care about me.

It's natural for the doubts not to just vanish. So much of the past brought only broken trust. Finding out different can be slow, but finding out that not everyone is like the abusive people who once dominated me has been an enormous relief.

This includes posts and other material we choose to contribute here. On OOTS, I've learned there's a fair chance that people who've also been through * and yet are still trying to find a way forward are even more trustworthy than many others. Most of those here have no grand expectations, yet still at least can find hope in each other here. And can share and empathize with others who are finding their way.

[Larry]