Finally doing this

[Chaos rains]

Hi. I am glad to be here. I joined OOTS a long time ago but never could bring myself to participate. I've been a member of Out of the Fog for even longer. Whenever I posted there someone always suggested I might benefit from this site... I think because so much anger is reflected in my posts. So here I finally am.

I confess that until recently I found this site hard to read. I have every single symptom of cPTSD but couldn't bring myself to admit it. It would mean that my problems - relationships, depression, anger - would not be my own fault and that just seemed impossible. I was raised by a very NPD mother and it was drilled into my head daily that I was pathetic and couldn't get "my act together."

I've been in therapy on and off since I was 15 (in my 60's now) to try to figure out why I'm such a mess. I have had some breakthroughs recently and am ready to  be here. It also helps that my therapist confirmed in no uncertain terms that I do have cPTSD. Just accepting that has been a huge relief. I still have a long way to go, though. I recently brought teen-Chaos out of her pit-of-despair and have been learning things about her, which has been liberating, too.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.

-CR

[woodsgnome]

  Hi, Chaos, hope you can continue breaking through the fog by being here.

Something that I noticed from your introductory post was your sense of feeling a bit surprised at how your chaotic past might indeed be more related to cPTSD than you might have once thought.

And you're okay with that, which indicates another good trait for self-discovery -- your willingness to be surprised, or at least open to unexpected twists in life's spiral. This is difficult -- we seem to want quick and step-by-step 'logical' answers and solutions to what was so maddening in the first place.

I guess I noted that as being similar to what I've discovered. Surprise and discovery -- two traits I've come to regard as important traits to value as you continue trekking.

I wish you well in this quest. 

[rainydiary]

I relate to what you said about being familiar with and having read information that at first felt unreal but was actually describing your experience all along.  I hope that writing here will be supportive to you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS, so glad you decided to take a risk and post.  I'm in my 60's too and didn't realize I had CPTSD until my mid 50's. I also have an NM who made me think it was me although on some level I did know she was at least part of the problem. Teenage me was angry so much of the time and lo and behold she was right so I hope you and your teenager have some great conversations. 

[Chaos rains]

Wow, thank you all for the lovely responses! Yes, it took me 40+ years to even begin to realize how angry I was and yes, woodsgnome, I am surprised to learn to that I really do have cPTSD. It's tough when your life is marked with emotional cruelty but no physical abuse and so no one really gets how bad it is.

So now I have figure out what's next. Every time I've ever tried to write my story I dissociate to the point that my brain goes completely blank. I think I might be able to do it now. Maybe I'll start a journal?

Thank you so much, Kizzie, letting me lurk for so long.

[paul72]

Welcome Chaos
I hope you feel supported here.. thankful to have you join

[CactusFlower]

Welcome!

I turn 52 in May and I was surprised as well to have all this come up so late in life. But finding this board was invaluable. I hope you'll see that it's a great bunch of people, supportive and understanding. It helps a lot to realize you're not alone, that you aren't the only one. Welcome and gentle hugs if you want them.

[Not Alone]

Welcome, Chaos rains.