I'm new here

[Pagurus]

Hello,
I am glad I found this place to land as I try to make sense of it all. I have lived most of my life in a state of confusion, wondering why I could not do the same things that others did, why I was repeatedly picked by abusive people and why this pattern still continues. I feel that I am on a merry-go-round, stuck going in circles as I watch the wonderful world that I don't understand and can't be part of.
My main focus right now is to learn some coping skills as I am still stuck in a relationship that some have told me is abusive, yet I have difficulty considering that option because all of this feels normal to me. I have no physical bruises to show, but I am in shreds inside. It's discouraging as I watch time tick by and consider that perhaps this is going to be my life for the rest of my days. I feel maimed and crippled by all the things that I have gone through and it's a constant roller coaster of "I'll make it" peaks and "what's the use?" valleys.
I hope I can express my feelings, doubts and fears and find others who can understand what it's like to live with this terrible condition. Trauma for me started shortly after I was born and has not relented for half a century. I need hope, but I'll settle for understanding.

Thank you for reading.

[Hope67]

Hi Pagurus,
I am also glad you found this place to land, and I wanted to welcome you 

Hope 

[Pagurus]

Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Pagurus   

There are lots of resources including other survivors who have lived experience of relational trauma and symptoms of Complex PTSD to share with you.  It helps to know you have the same symptoms as the rest of us and that they developed in response to the ongoing abuse/neglect we suffered. We also have lots of books, links, articles, etc., so somewhere here you will find some good answers that add to your understanding.

[paul72]

Hi Pagurus
Thanks for joining
I hope you find lots of support and understanding here. Welcome!

[Pagurus]

Thank you for the warm welcome everyone. I have started listening to one of the books suggested in your resources. I would like a paper copy, but I have to be careful having that kind of thing around since I live with someone who thinks I should be over it and who is adding to my trauma. I would be interested in exchanging experiences with someone who is still living in a trauma situation and how to cope until I can get away (I am looking at least 6 years). If you can direct me to any of the forums, I would really appreciate it.

Today is my mom's birthday. She passed away in 2020. It's such a mixed bag because she was one of the many perpetrators in my life. She had a lot of trauma herself and she simply passed it on. So it's an emotionally difficult day because I do miss her and I regret never having been able to talk to her about all this.

[littlebluejay]

Welcome, you'll likely find some really lovely people here My mother is also one of my main perpetrator but I know she was passing her own trauma onto me like you said, and that makes me sad for her. These emotions are tough... anger, sadness, nostalgia, confusion... all bagged up into one.

I once bought a book to help me understand my relationship with my mom and although I live 6 hours from her, it still lives in the bottom of a bin in my basement in case she shows up and finds it one day. So I understand being afraid of a paper copy. I just say this to tell you you aren't alone, there are so many of us here who are here to walk this journey with you. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Again Pagurus - it sounds like your M's birthday was a tough day.  The majority of us here relate to this; days that are happy ones for most people generally are really difficult for us because of all the emotion and trauma they bring up.  It's hard too when you understand the person was passing on their trauma - a mix of compassion and understanding and anger and sadness all rolled into one.  I'm always glad when the day has passed.

I also wanted to pass along a link to Pete Walker's site if you don't have it already.  He has quite a few useful articles - http://www.pete-walker.com/.

Kizzie