It was just normal

[Stillost]

I know I had a lot of trauma in my early life. I know that now as an adult. But, at the time, it was just normal. And when I think back, it's always, well yeah there was "that" part, but the rest was just normal.

 I was the one who made it dramatic. My behavior, my actions. I was the one who couldn't cope. I was the one who acted out. I don't ever remember someone saying anything about my childhood creating the problems I had.

There was no one person to blame for my trauma. It was one of circumstance. My mom and I were both affected I'm sure. We never talked about it much afterwards.

It was over and I should be normal. I have never felt normal. I don't know what that is. People certainly don't react to things like I do.

I feel so lost in this world

[Chart]

Yeah, I remember not understanding that there was something profoundly wrong in my childhood. It is a super slow awakening.

[Desert Flower]

This resonates a lot with me Stillost. It's not normal though what happened to us and it never was. And it wasn't you there was something wrong with.
We were just taught to think it was normal and maybe it looked like that on the outside too (in my case it did). But maybe people never really looked.
It can make me feel lost because I learned I wasn't entitled to any of these feelings. But I am now feeling them and that makes me feel less crazy.
It takes a lot of investigation and courage to really see things as they were/are.
I'm writing this for me as much as for you. I still hope you will hear me though. You are here and we know it was not normal.

[Stillost]

Bit of backstory, my older sibs got sick at a very young age. M did everything to save us. D was completely out of the picture. Grew up taking care of them w M. I'm realizing now that I was made to take on a lot. I was also the only one available to vent on.

I can appreciate as a mom what she must have been going through. But no one seemed to realize I was affected too. And some of what she did was wrong.

I don't know if she made me the victim or life put me in that place and she just went along. It's very hard to see her in any kind of negative light.

[Desert Flower]

My apologies Stillost, I had not read your intro before I posted here in response to you. I do understand your story a little bit better now. It is an awful lot that you went through. And I do relate to your mom doing her best, and at the same time there was not enough care for you.
How I feel these days is, she may have done her best, and unfortunately that was not good enough. And I would still not consider it normal. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh.
I wish you well and I hope the forum will give you some of the support you need.

[Stillost]

Thank you DF! It's like looking at two people and I was the only one who saw her "hurt" parts. What she took out on me. The situation was generally horrible for all of us. But she had a support system. She had friends she knew all her life. She had her family. All I had was her.
I start crying just writing about it

[Desert Flower]

Stillost, I feel so bad for you. I'm very sorry you're feeling this way and I understand.
I think it's very good to share your feelings here. I send you lots of support. Take care and big hugs 

[Papa Coco]

Stillost

I feel the loneliness in your posts. I just want to send a hug your way.

It's good that you can see both sides of this: that your mom had an impossible task, but you also recognize that you needed support she didn't/couldn't give you. You have every right to feel how you feel about her being supported and you not being supported. As the parent, it was her job, whether it was easy or not, to nurture and love her child.

I hope that the friends you make here in this community are able to show you that we really do feel each other's pains, and in so doing, we support each other. Your story touches me pretty deeply. No child should ever feel so alone.

Oh, what the heck...Here's another hug.

[Stillost]

Thank you! Just got done with therapy. So difficult admitting M was wrong. What happened was, not just the circumstances. I realize I'm always ready to make excuses for others, but hold myself to a higher standard because I should know better

[Chart]

I think everyone in this life gets things wrong sometimes. We make mistakes, say things, do things, that can hurt others. This is the human condition. My biological father hurt me profoundly. I'm awake, again, for the 20 thousandth time (I did the calculation) with terror and Fear knotted up in the pit of my gut. Every morning of my entire life. Why did he do that? I don't hate him. I don't love him. I just wish he had loved me. Given what all mammalien young need to live freely. He got it wrong. He was suffering. He didn't know.

Now we live with this dysfunction, passed on from generation to generation. The helical spiral of developmental trauma. It's a weird system. The pain forces us to figure it out. Others cope differently. We see and feel and try to change in a manner that our research and intelligence and therapy tells us is "healthy".

Others, yes, I think they often "disappear" to finally "deal" with the trauma. Everyone copes as they think best. It's an experiment. What's going to work best for our species?

I'm off to therapy in an hour. No one from my past can do anything more for me, good or bad. Now it's me who has to fix me. Seeing all this, does it help? Knowing all this, am I better?
Not yet, but I'm trying. I don't want to disappear. If I made mistakes I will face them. I have children. I want this Trauma to stop with me.

Sending hugs and support Stillost.
 

[Stillost]

Hey Chart, I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. It's the best way for my brain to be quiet, I don't dream. But getting to sleep is hard. Waking up and realizing it's another day that will be full of unanswerable questions is hard. I don't have any family left, so I guess I was spared having to cut them off.
I know I'm tired of being a "survivor" I want to find joy. I want to be there for my sons, even if they don't want me because of what I probably did to them. I've apologized to them, but I know that doesn't heal the pain.
At least if I'm alone, I can't hurt anyone else and pass it on. I refuse to do to them what both my parents did to me. I will continue to fight. I will not give up. I will find peace

[Chart]

Stillost I really relate to everything your saying. I want joy too. When I find some I promise I'll share!