'Nice guy syndrome'

[jamesG.1]

Very much a male-biased topic this, tho many symptoms are universal...

Nice guy syndrome... anyone else feel this has been a factor?

https://mindandpractice.com/nice-guys-a-background-common-traits-the-psychology/

I definitely swung into these areas once the pressure mounted.

Anyone else?

[Marianne]

I'm a girl (or woman, really) and I did a lot of that.

I stopped being nice in this way. Other people think I'm less nice now. I think I'm nicer. I'm more honest and direct, to myself and others. I'm more clear about expectations. I defend my own boundaries and needs better, and those of loved ones too. And in more direct ways, not by hinting at them and being frightened or secretly angry when the other person doesn't respond to my hints, but by simply saying "hey, i need that" or "sorry, I can't do that." I get into situations less where people abuse me, which causes hurt to me, but also to people who love me.

Have been making stupid choices for way too long, until I finally decided to stop. Best idea ever, should have done that earlier.

What do you or did you do to stop being a "nice guy"?

[jamesG.1]

It's early days for me really.

It's been hard to admit just how ripe for exploitation I'd been, but also how my paradigms were flawed in the first place. I'd set up a series of belief systems I thought might make things work within a very messed up family and superficially they did give results, but at huge cost to me in the long term.

Luckily my new partner now breaks a lot of these patterns for me and is very keen to see me develop along what I would have once considered unthinkably selfish lines. Taking care of your own needs is not wrong.

It sounds mad to say that but it's a hard hard lesson.

What is much clearer to me now is how I carried on these passive traits into adulthood and developed relationships that cemented things in place.

Changing habits is hard enough for anyone, for us changing habits creates a lot of anxiety. I'm finding it very tough, but I'm working hard at it. Creates huge depressive dips at times, quite different to C-PTSD.  It's that looking back at time wasted and hope lost thing mainly, I feel sick realising how easy I made it for people with zero integrity and empathy to use me as a human shield for their own warped paradigms.

But you can't blame other people forever, changing and growing take a lot of effort and a lot of self awareness... and honesty. Right now I hate who I was, not because I was bad, but because I was naive. It's a stage that will pass. When you learn about yourself there sometimes has to be a short period of revulsion just to signify real change. Compassion to that person can come later.

For now, it's about rebalancing withing new relationships without over compensating and about filling life with new adventures.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi James,s

My father was the archetypal nice guy. I rallied against it for years and years but in vain. He could play the victim perfectly. He was also an alcoholic and expected things from me rather than being honest about what he wanted. But trying to reason with him around these things was futile. In other words, my identity as an autonomous adult was thwarted in his company. And, complicating that situation, my mother asked me to 'help' him shortly before she died. I realise now that her role was to 'help' him, and that she transferred that onto me.

As a 'nice guy', my father only wanted help from my mother, the object of his love, so you might see that the situation became impossible for me to manage, a young adult male trying to respect his dying mother's wishes to fix a broken father who was never interested in being fixed just getting what he needed to feel right about himself.

One of the worst aspects of that experience was that, because of the years I spent alone with him, I took on aspects of this victimhood dynamic. I tried to resist but it was hard, because of economic reasons and I was more or less dependent because I was still in education. I felt myself falling into this same 'nice guy' role. The resentments, the unspoken needs, the over reaction to being 'ignored'. I do feel that it is a very serious problem for society because these type of nice guy traits can be hard to detect.

Having said all that, through recovery and work I don't think I do that, or have ever fully done that. But, and it's important for me to note, that my only adult male role model very much operated like this. I carry a lot of fear that I'm subconciously doing these things. I feel 'infectious' sometimes and therefore stay away from relationships, or when I do fall for someone I fear my own patterns so much that I can't tolerate the stress of it all.

I ended up hating that 'nice guy'. It's a difficult situation to be in, to be at odds with other peoples' perceptions of someone. I'm sure many here would relate to that. Because I came to hate the (false) 'nice guy' I went the other way too far, and became obnoxious and avoidant just because I couldn't cope being around other people. I was that messed up. Years of work here, and in recovery rooms, has led to a bit of calm and self peace. But my family is still very difficult. They remind me of my own behaviour, and how they never acknowledged the 'nice guy' problems, even up to this day. There were things that my mother got the blame for but over all the strategy is denial.

This subject is very close to my heart, so hopefully this post isn't too long and stayed on point.

It's interesting that you say you hate who you were. I've rarely if ever heard that expressed, even though I feel that way about my past self. I took heart from your statement that compassion can come later. I do think this is important - therapy can emphasise being compassionate to ourselves (or kind/nice - see the problem!!) - when sometimes a healthy revulsion can be more beneficial. Thanks for posting about this. Even though it's difficult for me to read, it's really important that I understand what has happened was not my fault.