Papa Coco's Journal: Why did I inherit my father's physical war injuries?

[woodsgnome]

Hey, Coco -- I get your reaction to Hillman -- I find he takes some getting used to. In fact it took me 3 reads to grasp lots of the detail and mixing of so much material. In fact the first time I recall just closing it and chucking it across the room! It took me a while, but I'd read enough to be intrigued by it, and went back a couple of years later, and his notions grew on me. It did help that by then I'd found my present therapist, who was somewhat familiar with Hillman's approach and general concepts.

Once I figured him out better, I nodded in recognition of what he was saying, if perhaps a bit giddy even to read his hints that maybe not everything we become is traceable via the family history. That truly scared me, and I was intrigued by his theory that the family history is not the whole story behind the story.

This was a relief for me, as I was hugely tormented by my FOO and the environment I was trapped in. In that way we're quite similar, Papa C. I debated even suggesting Hillman here, but for the help it ended up being for me to build that new perspective from, that I wasn't a sunken ship (albeit still badly damaged).

As you indicate, much of this path consists not only of recovering (if there is even much to re-cover), but of discovering the 'new world' we find once we feel safe enough to peek out from behind the boxed-in places we felt suffocated by in early years.

I just wanted to suggest Hillman as providing a slightly broader perspective to the many takes on how our old story lines developed and/or progressed.

I do applaud  you for sharing your wonders about the 'why' conundrums that confound us. The good news is we did seem to have survived this setback called CPTSD and still have the energy to wonder what on earth happened. It's truly like coming out of episodes that leave one wondering if any sense can emerge from experiences that were so senseless in the first place.

Take care 

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I do not envy you guys in the states for having to go through the holidays right now. There's a lot of stressful memories in there for me too. I think there's a holidays thread here somewhere or you can always check in if it gets too much.

I get what you're saying about not having anywhere to go except back to the family. Everything outside of that was squashed and any attempts at independence by me were met with suffocation. I felt like everyone else had an opinion or ideas about things and I had nothing inside. I moved continents and started going after the job I wanted and it felt like crashing and burning. That I was still constantly trying to measure up to their idea of me, or show them that I was ok, even though I knew the environment was toxic for me. It's still stuff I'm working through and is so deeply engrained I think.

I've started reading It Doesn't Start With You as I just finished something else and it's pretty fascinating stuff. Only 2% of our DNA is actually codable chromosomal DNA. The other 98% is non-coding DNA, what they used to call junk DNA which produce epigenetic tags that affect the gene expression. So, while the mother and father (and gm, gf, g gm and g gf - mind blown here) can pass on stress responses to the baby, these can be changed. They also prepare the baby with resiliency to these conditions. I'm still trying to get over how things will show up in families 30 years later, or how members will act out family member's roles if they were cut out of the family.

dolly

[Bach]

There's so much food for thought in this thread.  It's fascinating and a little overwhelming.

[Papa Coco]

Woodsgnome, I'm glad you recommended Hillman's book and I'm looking forward to reading it. I had a thought today; I've never done audiobooks, but I often have to drive for up to 3 hours at a time, so maybe I'll be that old dog who learns a new trick, and, rather than buy the paperback, maybe for this book I could join the 21st century and listen to it on one of my long, meditative drives.

I agree with you and Dolly both, that there's truth in the passing down of family history, but it's not the whole truth. I believe in physical predestination, given to us through our genetics, and, personal choice to take what we were given and turn it into something of our own choosing. The goal here is to try and gain a healthy sense of where one ends and the other begins. I have, too many times, seen the disappointment in those who've struggled to become something they just weren't wired to become. Also, I've seen the satisfaction in those who've become what their bodies and brains were designed to give them.

I'm on a mission to grasp both sides of this Nature/Nurture coin. I believe we are each unique because we are each the product of three intersecting realities: 1) What we were born to be, 2) what we were raised to be, and 3) what circumstances we have lived through. From there we have the responsibility to find our own happiness. The astronomically complex possible combinations of those three things allow for 7 billion unique human beings on one planet. The luckiest people are those who knew what they were prewired for, and then put forth the energy to follow their natural path to success. Like a Ferrari that learned to race and a Jeep that learned to climb mountain trails. Neither would succeed in the other's place. Those of us who try to become something our DNA can't support find a lifetime of struggle, often ending in soul-crushing disappointment. As a younger man I had a beautiful singing voice, (Like my mother's) but I had absolutely zero sense of rhythm, so I tried for two decades to become a singer, only to be crushed when the reality finally hit me that I could never do it. No matter how much coaching I received I was never able to maintain the proper rhythm in most songs. My goal now is to better understand where my genetic power starts and stops so I can take control of my strengths and move myself forward on the right pathway to my unique place of happiness. Like the old Serenity Prayer; I want the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[dollyvee]

I agree with you and Dolly both, that there's truth in the passing down of family history, but it's not the whole truth. I believe in physical predestination, given to us through our genetics, and, personal choice to take what we were given and turn it into something of our own choosing. The goal here is to try and gain a healthy sense of where one ends and the other begins. I have, too many times, seen the disappointment in those who've struggled to become something they just weren't wired to become. Also, I've seen the satisfaction in those who've become what their bodies and brains were designed to give them.

Hi PC,

I'm quoting the research done in Woylnn's book on epigenetics (around pg28) and the differences between chromasomal DNA and non-coding DNA. Interested to hear your thoughts when you get to it. We are wired by previous environmental stressors but these are also changeable ie there could be a genetic trait passed down but the factors need to be in place whether or not that gene is expressed. The research on reversing or altering that expression in the future is also interesting.

dolly

[Dante]

For what it's worth, audiobooks are helpful.  I also have never really listened to them - I'm a visual learner.  But I tried and failed to read Pete Walker's book at least 5 times.  I'd get to about chapter 3 or 4, and then I was just too overwhelmed.  So I got the audiobook version and listened to some of it.  In that case, because I was getting like 10 - 25% of the content audibly that I would have gotten visually, it wasn't so overwhelming to me.  So I was able to listen to the rest of the book, and then went back and read the book because it was no longer so scary.  I knew what it said.  It was a lifesaver to get me through the book and it took more than one pass, but it worked for me.

If you think about genetics from the simplest survival-of-the-fittest mechanism, it makes complete sense that stressors our ancestors had would be expressed in our genes.  Addiction comes to mind.  Maybe that's why addiction runs in families.  Over the generations, we've found peace from EF's and whatever else in an addiction of choice, and it codified into our DNA.  Now, it's not helpful anymore, and so we (or at least me) have to fight against it, but that's why it's so hard.  Because it's literally written into my DNA.  Just a thought.