Unreal

[jamesG.1]

Well, uneasy wait now.

I've done all I can do to prepare, it's just a question of waiting.

But I do seem to be balancing quite well now. There was a bad 2 weeks of catastrophising, mainly around what the reaction will be if it's all confirmed, but that's settled now. Really, what can people really do? There will be the usual theatrical grandstanding, the public displays of outrage and righteousness, but so what? These things only matter if you let them matter and frankly, they don't matter one jot.

In narcicisstic families you are trained to fear these moments and the theatre around them, but in reality, they mean nothing. If you deal with them rationally you will be labelled 'cold' oe unfeeling because hysteria is basically the norm.

The only norm is your own reaction.

Anyway, I'm as prepped as I can be. If the worst happens I'll throw a legal log across the railway and retire to a safe distance.

I have a life to live no matter what has happened.

[Papa Coco]

James,

Again: Good luck in hopes that this event unravels in the safest, most benign way it can.

You made a comment that when you're raised by Ns you fear the worst. I was, and I do. The most horrific thing you can say to me is, "We need to talk" and then tell me we'll talk later. Whenever I'm living in that anticipatory nightmare that I'm about to be blamed for something horrible, I call that Pre-Tramatic Stress Disorder.

I have a similar story that happened way back in my past. Something I once said in my stand up comedian days, many years ago made it's way to the global news and was taken so far out of context that I sounded like I was a horrible, horrible person. I spent nearly a year with my skin crawling, as I wondered how I would be publicly punished and ramrodded for what was taken out of context and published globally. That was years ago now, and to my great relief there never were any follow-on repercussions. I eventually finally lost my dread, but wow...was that ever a terrifying year of my life.  This is probably why I am so intent on following your story, and am hoping so much that your situation works itself out to be as uneventful as possible. It's also why I'm so grateful you're keeping us informed as to the status. My empathy nerves are on edge for you.

[jamesG.1]

Papa Coco... absolutely... the threat is always worse than the delivery. Most narcs are all puff, because unless they go physical, what's the worst they can do?
Took me a long time to get that into my thick head.

It's all about social exclusion I think. I read something about this which made huge sense. Social exclusion is bad enough now, but imagine it in prehistory. Some small group of hunter-gatherers, you get the cold shoulder and that's it... you are on your own. And on your own means dead. It's a death threat in that context.

Now... looking back, being driven out of the cuckoo nest madness of my family was a gift. My only regret was that I didn't stay gone. I wanted back in as a type of redemption, some mad stab at validation. When I did get in it nearly killed me.

Get out, and stay out. Only way.

[Dante]

You're right on JamesG, we are wired for community.  The word ostracize comes from the Greek ostroikos, which literally meant "to put outside the wall".  It was the worst punishment possible, worse than being executed, because it meant you moved from the top of the food chain to the bottom - and you had to wait and watch for each moment.

I had a similar experience in college.  A bad choice I made resulted in some very public consequences that were tied up with some social dialog going on at the time, and got completely blown out of proportion.  And I was made out to be some sort of monster, when I was just a college kid trying to find my voice after a lifetime of enforced silence.  I regret the choice I made, but the results were far out of proportion with that choice.  As you are finding, you just have to ride the wave while it crashes over you again and again.  But eventually, you will find dry land again.  (So sue me, I like metaphors   )

[dollyvee]

Hi JamesG.1,

The thought that came to mind when I read your statement about exclusion was that it also affects us as babies/children and that we can't be excluded because we depend on these people for survival. A difficult concept when you grow up in a family of narcs - how can I be related to this, is it in me too, am I the problem? I went through all those thoughts.

Hope you're finding some comfort with all the stress.

dolly

[Armee]

I just want to offer a hug if welcome for all you've gone through and are going through.



What you said about going back to narc family struck me. I kept going back to my mom and trying harder over and over.  All I really grasp is I felt like a bad person and so I'd go back because I don't want to be a bad person and I don't believe at my core that I am a bad person so I'd have to prove it to myself or something or else I WOULD be a bad person or look like one to others who couldn't understand.  And I couldn't explain it to get them to understand, in fact trying to explain it made me feel like an even worse person.  So it's all like this awful trap.  (My mom wasn't really narc, she was BPD, another cluster B.)

All that to say...we are trying to make it work in some game playing the normal rules but everyone we are playing with is disregarding the rules and so we feel crazy. I just hope this does blow over for you and I'm really proud of you that you are being kind to yourself and staying upright.

[jamesG.1]

That's the thing... it SEEMS normal. It isn't.

My brother dominated our family when Dad died and shaped the entire thing around himself to suit his own cowardice and self aggrandisment. It didn't result in success or fulfilment, it just dragged everyone down with him. But they enabled him. That's the mindblower, isn't it? The way these dismal, useless people trigger this cuckoo's victim reaction in people they are destroying incrementally. They were so far gone in this death dive that they turned on anyone who challenged his status as the heroic misunderstood genius/ perpetual bad luck magnet with real venom. I got the worst of it. Eventually they were at least coherant enough to fess up to his abuse, "he was just too strong".

Bit late that.

These dreadful messed up little bunker dramas feel real to the people inside them, but the real world is very different. I see that very clearly now.

But the oxygen on these fires is drama, hence this current crisis. So here I am, firehose in hand, waiting.

It makes a change to have hypervigillance for a good reason for once, eh? I feel like the starship enterprise with every single scanner turned on. 360 degree, total coverage.

Bring it on.

[Papa Coco]

We're herd animals. Social creatures. There's a reason for that. Survival. It's why ostracization is so terrifying. We can better survive attacks if we are part of a group, but left on our own, especially when we're too young to have learned any survival skills, means certain annihilation. Our biological brains know that. We're born knowing we need to be protected by our herd. So Narcissists, who also feel the same fear, learn to weaponize that fear so as to control us. It works fabulously for them.

[jamesG.1]

Thought I'd update as much as I could.

Can't really elaborate still as it would give too much away, but it does appear that this issue is fading without dragging me into it.

It's been a bit like watching an asteroid pass by the earth so close you could see all the craters.

Deep breath.

Let it out.

Move on.

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear this James