Hi, call me Dart...

[Dart]

(Chorus, Hi, Dart)

I don't know that I have CTPSD.  One therapist thinks PTSD because that's all he can find in the DSM.

One thereapist accepts my self diagnosis, but admits I'm quirky.

The  instructions say not to be too graphic.  I don't know a lot.  What I know:

* At age 3 my behaviour changed.  Before that age, I had the toddler's usual disregard of clothing.  After that point, I insisted on being dressed up, including socks, even in the house.  For 10 years no one saw my toes, except for whoever was bathing me.  I was withdrawn for a long time, and was sufficiently off my feed, that mom would bring poor neighbour kids to have lunch with use to try to inspire me to eat more.

* As a young child, my sister was my main caregiver.  When I was 7 she was sent away in disgrace for getting pregnant without the saction of marraige.  A year later my brother went off to college.

* My mom shook my sister hard enough once that it was dectable in x-rays as an adult.
* My father caught my mom about to slam my sister into/through a wall.
* My sister caught my mom about to slam ME through a wall.

* At age 8, my father had surgery for colon cancer.  A side effect of the operation was total impotence.  My parents never showed physical affection again in my presence, so I had no role model of what what a romantic relationship should look like.
* At age 14 my father had open heart surgery to replace valves that were damaged by rhuematic fever when he was 19.  He was 14 hours on the heart lung machine, which induced a series of micro strokes throughout his brain.  He did not know me when he came home.  All of moms energy was involved taking care of him.
* My dad was weak for years before the surgery.  Also very much aloof.  Mom had badly controlled diabetes, with long periods of high blood sugar where she slept almost all the time, and short periods of being really angry when her sugar was low.  She also suffered from depression.

The time from 7 to 14 was intermittent neglect, living in a dirty, cluttered house.  Food on the table.  Warm place to sleep.  Short of hugs.  Short on praise. With Dad's surgery this got worse, and I was essentially feral, using the home as a source of meals and a place to sleep.

Raised roman catholic, my parents never spoke of sex.  I learned from watching dogs.  The church gave me some weird ideas.  I was ace until in my 40's.  I'm still sorting this out at age 69.

This did not leave me in a good place when I started a career as a teacher in boarding schools.  Three times I was fired, for some form of insubbordination, apparent lack of religious conviction, and daring to call the admin on their hypocrisies. Since the schools generally were live in, I lost my home, my job, my culture,  and my "family" each time.  All things that are high stress.  I wasn't ready for this any of the three times it occurred over the next 30 years.

All of this was buried.  I have no memory of the probable CSA, mostl likely from my 13 year old brother.  I do remember my sister vanishing.  I have no memory of physical abuse, although I've made about half a dozen freudian slips that differ on that.

[Armee]

Hi, welcome.

You're in the right place. You say you don't remember physical abuse but you also speak of your dad walking in on your mom about to slam you into a wall.

I'm sorry all of this has happened to you. I'm midway through thawing. I feel so much better than I even knew was possible.

[Gromit]

Hi Dart,

Thank you for introducing yourself.
I feel that some of your story may have come from other sources, like older siblings and parents told you what you were like. I wonder if the change at 3 was really a change?  Why would behaviour change then when you were born into that situation? From my own observation, childrens behaviour can change around clothing, my DD would frequently try to undress herself before the age of 3 but not after that age. It may be a development thing as they suddenly realise that everyone else wears clothes. My DS did not try to undress.

I think a T that calls you 'quirky' may just not have met anyone like you before. I have had T's confounded by my own revelations because they thought they knew me and I suddenly revealed something that they didn't know about me, or even consider, some are so closed minded.

I find this site and the information shared here to be helpful and supportive, there is a wealth of information online these days and once I discovered what CPTSD was and I was not alone it was a huge relief, although, professionals are not always understanding.

Welcome,
G

[Dart]

I was trying to keep it brief.  There is a note frowning  on essays.

The desire to cover, the withdrawal, and the change in appetite are all symptoms of CSA.  Sis says that later she and mom figured I'd been assaulted by my next door neighbour.  However at that time I was moved from crib to my brother's bedroom.  Other end of the house, basement. He was 13 at the time.   I suspect I was his meat toy for a while, en enjoined that this was "our secret"  He also said that I came from Sears Roebuck, and could be exchanged for a better model.

At age 5 we took a long trip.  I slept with my brother at motels.  I would insist on sleeping above the top sheet "To keep our parts from getting mixed up"

[paul72]

welcome Dart !!
Thank you for joining and sharing part of your story
I hope you find it supportive here towards your recovery

[littlebluejay]

Welcome Dart!

I hope you find this forum to be really helpful. There are some really kind people here! It's refreshing just to know you aren't alone sometimes.

[Hope67]

Hi Dart,
Welcome.  Just wanted to say 'Hi' 

Hope 

[Kraggy]

Welcome Dart, this seems a great place to be able to share what brings you to this forum. Glad you joined. 

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the group, Dart,

Your story of the Catholic family who raised you really touches my heart. My Therapist also doesn't fully understand C-PTSD but he does understand trauma, so he's very helpful. But the DSM-V does only list PTSD. It seems like the "C-" is sort of an unofficial variant of PTSD.  I've read some fantastic books on C-PTSD and I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it's a legitimate variant. I have it, whether the DSM-V recognizes it or not.

I'm 62 years of age, and a recovering Catholic also. I hope to one day find forgiveness for them all, but so far, I'm still pretty angry at them. I have CPTSD from having been abused sexually, physically, emotionally and spiritually at Catholic school in the 1960s and 1970s and from having a sick, sick, sick sociopathic older sister who ran the family like it was her nasty little soap opera. I was raised in a whole family that swam in lies, gossip, sexual confusion, manipulation, and a fake "happy family" facade. I've lived my life in shock, never feeling like I deserved to be here on the earth at all, so I spent every living, breathing moment of my life trying to prove I should be allowed to stay on the earth with all the people who were better than me. I grew up with all-or-nothing thinking that said there were two teams on earth. I was on one team and the entire population of earth was on the other team. I felt like a freak, and like if I didn't pretend to be normal, that everyone I ever met could see that I was God's worthless mistake. That made me into a hypervigilant over-achiever who never trusted anyone who said they loved me. I found Catholicism to be the most disgusting and sociopathic organization I've ever been in contact with. I didn't see through their lies until I was older, leaving me to feel like an idiot for having once been a "believer" in their collective sickness.

My little sister, who I was closest to, took her own life in 2008. That woke me up. I finally began to take the steps I needed to leave the family forever. By 2010 they had become so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore. I haven't seen, nor spoken with any of them since. I hope you find camaraderie on this forum. In one way or another, each of us here seems to have once been held as prisoners in similar wars, usually during our childhoods. My war happened in Catholicism--which included the "quirks" of a nasty Catholic family. Sounds like yours did too.  PS: I always say that being raised in a nasty Catholic family was like being raised in a full contact sport. Everyone is out to get everyone else, and every single Catholic I've ever met, spends a lot of time protecting themselves from the people who say they love them. Catholics show their "love" for us by judging us, and laughing at us, and lying about us to other family members and friends, and humiliating us, and lying to us and manipulating us. I have a LOT of Catholic memories. All bad.  My entire family called me a liar every time I spoke, but it was them to lied constantly. They humiliated me by continuously calling me "too emotional for my own good."

Anyway, welcome to the forum. (The Island of Misfit Toys). I hope you feel you can connect with a few of the wonderful people who are also members.