F is for mother

[paul72]

Trigger Warnings Throughout

A is for ASTHMA. Was it a physical result of you holding a pillow over my face as a baby, or a symptom of the trauma it caused? And does it matter?
B is for BED WETTING. I can remember how mad you'd get. Ironic isn't it.
C is for CHURCH. A preachers wife. I can't even begin to start with the hypocrisy of it all.
D is for DAD. Did you promise him it would never happen again? Does he know about the others?
E is for EVIL. What you told us our grandparents were. And then they weren't. And then they were again. Rinse. Repeat.
F is for you MOM
G is for GASLIGHTING. Decades of your crazy-making left me distrusting reality.
H is for HERITAGE. One thing you couldn't take from me.
I is for the IRON. Were you really going to burn me with it?
J is for JOJO the CLOWN. What a weird home we had.
K is for KINDERGARTEN. I'm glad I went a year early, but was it because it was too dangerous for me to be home alone with you at 4?
L is for LIAR. What you claimed I was to everyone.
M is for MURDER. How would things have been different if dad didn't stop you?
N is for NIGHTMARES. Constant nightmares of you growing up, and I used to come to you at night with them!
O is for OUTCAST. What you tried to make me, but I am not excluded from anyone I don't choose to be now.
P is for the POOL next door. When you sent me over to swim, did you tell them I didn't know how?
Q is for QUEBEC CITY. What really happened there? Were you letting that stranger take me? I was so happy to leave with him.
R is for RACIST. But hidden like so much else.
S is for SECRETS. The family secret, attempted murders.
T is for TREMORS. I've been shaking for 30 years.
U is for UNLISTED NUMBER. How you changed your phone number and I couldn't have it.
V is for VICTIM, that you play(ed) so well.
W is for the WASHROOM, for the blood everywhere and for being told to be quiet.
Y is for YOU. It's always about you.

Seems stupid and juvenile now that I've written this.
I wish I'd have done this as my elementary school project on my mom. I guess this is my do-over.

[Armee]

I'm sorry for everything you've had to hold in, Phil.

[Bach]

 

I'm sorry for everything you've had to hold in, Phil.

I hope it helps at least a little bit to let it out at least a little bit.

[rainydiary]

I appreciated the format of this Phil.  I hope writing it out was supportive.

[woodsgnome]

All I have on offer for you is a mountain of empathy. I had similar reactions to my mother, but whenever I tried writing them out, I never got far before the combination of anger/grief/rage/sadness overwhelms me and I had to stop in bitter agony.

Maybe a dream I had recently reveals the only true relief I'll ever feel., and so far it's helped me so I'll try to share how it affected me. In the dream I'd piled a huge stack of journals and writings on a cozy table in a peaceful setting. These writings, however, were anything but peaceful jottings and were seething with resentment and bitterness.

After a while the dream seemed to be fading, but I noticed that a small pile of ashes were now smoldering where the old stack of writings had been placed. All that was left of the journals and papers at dream's end was that pile of ashes.

Next to the ash, I noticed a new journal was in place, with a lighted candle sitting atop it. That indicated to me, with all the old pages burnt, and a fresh journal in place, that there also awaits a new story beyond the painful old one.

You may or may not find that at all relevant. For me, though, it represents that there may be life beyond all the old pain as well. And that I've initiated new ways to ignite the fire that is burning away the old pain. I share it mostly to let you know that you're not alone and that now is the time where your new page is ready to start you new story.

[Mary Ann]

 Especially the last line really resonated...Y is for you...it's always about you.
I'm glad you got to write this.
I hope it's helpful to you, it was certainly helpful to me to read this .
Imagine if we could all do a kind of project/picture/ bit of writing on our parents...like you said, the kind you'd have done as a kid in school ...only now it can be an honest picture

[paul72]

Thank you everyone for your compassion and support
I really like that dream too, woodsgnome , quite inspiring really

I started thinking about that "mom" poem from when I was little.. I really hadn't considered it until I wrote that at the end there.
I remembered some of it too.
I was maybe in grade 2 or 3.
I dressed up in a jean jacket and dark sunglasses and slicked back my hair and did my best Elvis Presley

My mom is always there with a hand to lend
My mom is so nice shes a special friend
So let's rock..
My mom is so kind and also so nice
Shes always around when I need advice
So let's rock..

That's all I remember of the poem/song... but I remember being relieved that she was so proud watching me

Well, I'm glad I got a do-over for that little guy. I have never really communicated with that little boy... I think maybe this was a better exercise for myself than I realized.

I do want to say that I genuinely love all of you here. It's really hard to find a place to belong.
I have so much admiration for everyones strength and kindness. To come in here, support and encourage while struggling shows such beautiful strength. It is not only wonderful to receive but encouraging as well.

Much love and peace

[Not Alone]

I see that you posted this a few months ago, but I'm just seeing it now. Heartbreaking.