A reminder about disclosure

[jamesG.1]

So, a first social after lockdown with my work people.

All pretty light and cordial... but I made the mistake of forgetting to keep my mouth shut about my past and told too much to one of my colleagues about my not very pretty past. Bad move. She made excuses and bolted. Day after and I'm feeling lousy.

I think it's time I stopped sharing any of this, people just can't hamdle it. And do I really need to now anyway?

I've often been driven desperatly to share. I think because the key people in my life, my brother, mother, partner and business partner all caused my breakdown, there was no solid support available, so I leant hard on strangers, freinds and health professionals. Often this would backfire in some way leaving me feeling even more isolated.

It's a good reminder.

[Armee]

Hi James. I find this absolutely one of the hardest things about trauma is not knowing what to say, how much to say, and to whom. Some people just do not know what to say or do in the face of trauma and abuse. "I'm sorry you went through that" is an easy thing to say but many just don't know what to say. I don't think you did anything wrong sharing but it is so painful to open up and not be received.

I don't know how to know when to share and after i often feel that vulnerability hangover. But what I'm thinking about myself and my disclosures is rarely what's actually going through the other person's mind. Possibly they themselves were triggered and went into fight mode This happens to me with some people when they share what happened to them, because it hits way too close to home but it isn't a circumstance I feel comfortable or safe sharing in. Other times I panic I said too much and am too much and no one will want to hang out with me because I'm such a freak but often really they enjoy my company or what i told them helped them in some way.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear this James, it can be a lot for people to hear and some handle it better than others.  In this case the person was an 'other' and I can understand how lousy that feels for you.

I think it's time I stopped sharing any of this, people just can't handle it. And do I really need to now anyway?

JMO but the fact that you did share seems to say you do want/need to find people you can talk to about this.  Perhaps it's a matter of finding people who can handle what you have to say, might a face-to-face group of survivors like OOTS be a good option? 

Dr. Judith Herman, the well known traumatologist who coined the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 1992, wrote about the healing power of community like this one and face-to-face groups:

Traumatic events destroy the sustaining bonds between individual and community. Those who have survived learn that their sense of self, of worth, of humanity, depends upon a feeling of connection with others. The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair, and the strongest antidote to traumatic experience. Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes; the group bears witness and affirms. Trauma degrades the victim; the group exalts her. Trauma dehumanizes the victim; the group restores her humanity.

Repeatedly in the testimony of survivors there comes a moment when a sense of connection is restored by another person's unaffected display of generosity. Something in herself that the victim believes to be irretrievably destroyed---faith, decency, courage---is reawakened by an example of common altruism. Mirrored in the actions of others, the survivor recognizes and reclaims a lost part of herself.

Herman, J. (1997). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence from domestic abuse to political terror. New York: Basic Books 

[Not Alone]

James, I have shared with people and regretted it too. Sometimes things are too much and it spills out. Sometimes I over-estimate what I think the person can handle. That is one of the really hard things about living with trauma.

[jamesG.1]

it's left me a tad flat... but.

It's a good reminder, and somehow it cements a growing need to regroup and settle some issues.

I ended up chatting after a few beers, and that has to go. I'm about to start on some mild anti-deppressants and that gives me an excuse to drop the vino finally. Not a huge drinker but it really doesnt help. I don't like feeling out of control in social situations, even slightly.

And it shows that I need to focus my few safe places a bit. Talk about things, yes, but only where it's really a safe place.

Saddens me tho. There is a suffer in silence vibe about it somehow. But then there always has been.

[jamesG.1]

Argghhh

I'm dreading monday now. I feel like I've been labled a nutcase, or intense.

Hate this.

[Kizzie]

What about saying something to that person about revealing a little too much after a few beers and you hope it didn't make them too uncomfortable?  It might take down the awkwardness on both sides.   

I agree about the suffer in silence vibe of needing to choose when and who we talk about the huge things we live with. It's quite  sad really that there are often consequences to being honest and open.

[jamesG.1]

It will blow over....

It no doubt feels worse to me than it actually was. Sigh

[Kizzie]