Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

TheBigBlue  Thank you so much for reading. I am glad we are on the journey together.

[HannahOne]

What I want to remember about today is owning my feelings. A three hour drive (and at these prices for gas!) with music and crying. I feel so much more connected to myself. To All of Me. Not just one part.

It feels strange.

I feel more in my body. I can feel the inside of myself. I am making contact with me.

And with other people. Other people are hard! It's not easy for me. Some relationships are much easier than others.

The hardest is my partner. Nothing bad to say about the man, he is a good man. I struggle. I truly struggle. After decades together, I struggle.

We went out to eat. Trial date. I felt shy and nervous.  How can that be?!

We had a miscommunication at the grocery store.

Here comes the empty bottle of milk. Here's the empty fridge. Here's the feeling of being a piece of wood.

It's just wild.

This has always been going on... I just didn't notice it this way. I ignored it, fought it, shut it down, pushed through it and did what I thought I should do. If I were someone else. Someone normal.

this is so different. This is me.

These are my feelings.

They have nothing to do with my partner. Or the groceries.

Things with my partner are imperfect. Hello, have you met me? LOL. And he's a whole other person. But he's not an empty fridge.

Relationships are difficult. Relationships are ground zero where it all went down. Relationships, and my body.

Tomorrow starts the series of specialists to take me to the next step. Pulmonologist tomorrow. Cardiologist Wednesday. So * triggering.

Frank is devouring a head of romain lettuce. He eats all the green leafy parts first. Then chomps the white parts. He's very serious about it. It's serious business, survival. Eat to live. He spends at least 12 hours a day eating. Being an herbivore and all it takes a lot of dry hay and lettuce to get enough protein. Not sure how he does it. Well, partly by eating his own poop and redigesting it.  Moving on....

Speaking of digesting old crap. LOL. I am not sure what I want in a relationship. It's 100% clear that no relationship can "heal" me. That no relationship can take away these feelings of mine. Can solve or resolve or absolve me of them.

Relationships could help me grow. Could give me a corrective experience? Could help me learn new paths? Could be fun? I don't really get it, to be honest. 

The relationship with my partner is three decades in. Can anything new, corrective or helpful happen in such worn grooves? Very unsure. Fun? Eh.

In a new relationship, would I show up differently? Unsure, but doubtful. Still so much fear. Mistrust. And still feel like my picker isn't so good. I got lucky with my partner, overall.

Sp what is it that I want when I want to be in a partnership?

There's no nirvana, no samsara. No ultimate safety, security. Maybe a better question is, how can I be in a relationship? How to be, when it's messy, when I'm me, when I'm complex because I have complex PTSD, when I have all this baggage, all these feelings. Wherever I go, there I will be.

I don't know. I am aiming to find out in the weeks and months ahead.

But tomorrow, the body.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i so hope your medical stuff goes smoothly, w/ the least discomfort for you.  and that you're listened to.

yay for road therapy!  i indulged in some in the past couple weeks as well.  still trying to figure out some of it, but for the most part i know it's a good thing.  so glad you've got that resource, too.

my guess as to the nerves on your trial date is expectations.  something got labeled differently, as in 'trial date', and that brought along its own bucket of expectations.  just my thought - if not relatable, just ignore.

best to you w/ the rest of all you're looking at.  relationships can be difficult, i know.  there are expectations for them as well.  sending love and a hug w/o expectations attached.

[NarcKiddo]

The relationship with my partner is three decades in. Can anything new, corrective or helpful happen in such worn grooves? Very unsure. Fun? Eh.

Yes, new things can happen. My relationship is well over 3 decades in. My husband is a good man. He has been good at adapting as I throw different NKs at him. He did not (and does not, still) understand CPTSD. He realised early in our relationship FOO was at the root of many of my problems and cheered quietly from the sidelines as I started extricating myself. It has not been easy and I nearly left the relationship some 10 years ago but that would have been a big mistake on my part. I have been forced to bring adult NK to the relationship because of course it is not feasible for him to look after child NK, plus he has his own trauma history.

Of course change and growth depends on both parties, not just one. But if you are still with him after 30 years and truly consider him to be a good man then I would bet things can change. You comment that you have to bring you to a relationship. Of course you do. And he's chosen to be with you for all those years. He likely realises, or at least senses, more than you know. I don't think we are quite as good at pretending to be normal human beings in front of a long term partner as we like to think we are. In my case I had to start trusting my husband and actually telling him some things. Yikes. The sky did not fall in.

Good luck with all the medical stuff. It's no fun, but you've got this. I'm rooting for you.

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, hearing what you had to say about your own journey with your husband really touched me. I was unsure if I should even write about it. I'm glad I did. I really appreciate what you had to say and am going to ponder it. It's very meaningful to me to hear another survivor has grown in a long relationship. I'm bemused that "after years you had to start trusting your husband," Yes, I'm in the same boat. I didn't realize the extent to which I didn't trust him. I respect the journey you shared in your comment and admire the no-nonsense wisdom you have gained. I have a lot to consider here. Thank you for commenting, and for rooting for me.

Thank you SanMagic7!! Road therapy is it. Today seven hours of road therapy. I can't believe all these tears. I think it's old stuff. Letting go. Grieving what I didn't have. And acceptance. I feel more grounded. Very very sad. My heart literally hurts. And, I feel more grounded. Less tense. Less stressed. Thank you so much for the love and hug. I am trying to take in caring. Thank you for commenting.

[HannahOne]

I assume I'll write again soon but if I don't, no worries. I might need a little time.     

[TheBigBlue]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

you've got all the time you need, hannah1.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

HannaOne,

Your story is really touching. I can see in you the awakening happening. Your drive in the car, crying. This is sounding a bit like where I'm at too. Sensitivities are increasing in food, emotion, and giving yourself more space. It's inspiring.

I really respect the relationship concerns. Relationships are always a lot of work, but when one partner starts to wake up to their true self, and to take up more space for themself, I guess it makes sense that the other partner becomes more of a challenge to be with. That's a heavy situation to be in, and my hat is off to you for how you are addressing it honestly.

I cry in the car a bit now too. Except for when I'm screaming (with windows closed) at the traffic. Sensitivity is to everything, even my irritation at texting drivers who almost hit me at 60 miles per hour in heavy traffic. 

For me, crying at the drop of a hat is a new thing. I've always wished I could cry, but my defenses were too strong. Men don't cry. We just chase squirrels with a weed eater to release our feelings that way.  (Kidding. I've never done that...ever).

What this feels like, if what you're going through is anything like what I'm going through, is a release at the very core of our being, and our bodies and emotions are just raw right now. I don't know if I'm right about that, it's just what it feels like to me.

[HannahOne]

PapaCoco, thank you so much for your comment. I haven't been on the forum for a few days. I was feeling low and thought of the forum, at least I know it's a safe space and won't make me feel worse, I thought to myself.

Seeing your comment brought tears to my eyes. LOL. That's a good thing. I so appreciate your sharing your own experience of crying, and road therapy, as SanMagic7 called if I remember right.

Yes, relationships are hard, and constantly changing and staying the same. We have to update, update ourselves, update the relationships, and we have to deal with feeling stuck, with what doesn't change, with acceptance. We are in process, becoming, and are already what we always were and will be what we have been. I'm sure I exhaust my partner, I know I do. The best sometimes is just to be tired of each other, tired of what keeps changing and tired of what never changes, together. It's a life's work for sure.

[HannahOne]

I came to the forum after a few hard days. I don't want to share too much down, I want this to be a place where I reflect, not just react. I came back because I couldn't find any other safe place to be. I'm so amazed at the safety of this place and all of you. It's a very boundaried safety where we are anonymous, where we only can type, where we have some rules, where we will likely never meet. That's part of the safety. It's also a place of people being gentle, a little careful with each other. Which increases safety. And it's a place of closeness and sharing and understanding. I'm so grateful.

And I feel terrible. LOL.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I have no fuse, no energy, no desire to keep going. It feels hopeless. Everything feels wrong. I feel I have failed at everything. I want to run away, escape.

I own this. This is grief. And it's also rage. Throwing a fit. It's part of how I object, protest, to throw it all away. It's protective, so I don't spend energy in futility, in holding on when I need to run. And this state can lead to acceptance. It can lead to renewed desire and energy and hopes and plans. I know this.

Of course, when I'm in this emotional storm, this flashback state, this part of me, it feels like this leads to a dead end. It feels like a repetition. Again? Seriously? Part of the feeling is of being so tired. So tired of trying to get away from where I was and to somewhere else, so tired of flight and fight, so tired of this state that feels endless.

I am trying to find the royal road, the middle way. I could stay in bed. But I have plans to paint with a friend. I know a week ago I so wanted to do this, I waited for am month for it. I know in another state, I Would be happy about today. I can't get to that other state, I can't and don't want to flip a switch. I need to move through the state I am in, take this grief and hopelessness with me to the painting. If I need to make it shorter, I will. I don't want to push the water up the mountain. But I don't want to stagnate. I want to flow around the mountain, take the easy way.

I'm ashamed to show up at my friend's house so flattened. I will shower. I will try to eat something. But I don't want her to see me like this...  see All of Me. She can see a lot of me, but she can't relate to all. She's the one who, when I told an amusing story about eating all the groceries as a kid with my friend in the "way back" of the station wagon, a friend whose parent had driven my parent to the store and paid for said groceries... and how we got in big trouble, she didn['t laugh. She said, with pity or shock, "You were a hungry kid!" I don't know why that hit me wrong. It could be an expression of caring. It made me feel ashamed, and that's my issue, no fault of hers. But I can't be All of Me, and I'm not sure how much of me I can hide today. I just know hiding All of Me in bed is not the right thing to do today.

I feel like nothing is changing, and everything is changing too much too fast. I feel out of control. There's a problem with my lungs, but that's apparently not why I"m short of breath. At the doctors they always check heart rate and temperature, and lately I have had tachycardia when they check with the thing that goes on your finger. I told them it was just anxiety, but they did a quick EKG and it was abnormal, they called the resident and intern to look at it outside the room. But hey my medical trauma note in my chart worked, because the resident was kicked out of the room, and they apologized for the additional person, as my note says, "no residents or interns, no housekeeping without stopping at nurse's station, minimal staff." When I saw him showing them and their knowing looks I felt afraid. I know it will be fine and there's treatment, and more tests first, it's all good, it's good to take care of it now before something goes wrong. I have health care. I'm in good hands. My primary is getting me straightened out. It just never occurred to me anything could be up with my heart, I'm relatively young and "healthy." I feel naked and afraid, like the TV show. What next? And I need to have surgery for other problems so I need to get all this cleared up. They said when they're done testing they're sure they will be able to clear me. Whatever you say, doc.

I feel uncomfortable and uncertain, is all this really necessary. I feel like this is unfolding out of control. One thing is leading to another and maybe I should just stop going to doctors and then I'll be fine, LOL. I was fine before I went to a doctor. In November I felt fine. I know I wasn't fine, but I felt fine and hadn't been to a doctor in a long time. I'm starting to feel mortal in a way I didn't before. Skies are bluer, grass is greener, everything is more precious and I tear up at anything. It also feels hopeless, pointless, exhausting, and sad.

I have the feeling that I haven't done enough, I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I am not done and I will not be able to get to where I wanted to go, because... I have failed. In my recovery journey, in my attempt to heal, to know myself, to be All of Me, to be ok. I'm frustrated that I'm not more ok. My partner cracked, "Yeah you're tired, your heart isn't working right!" LOL. I psychologize everything, too many years in therapy. Not everything is an existential crisis, HannahOne. Whatever way I think I once knew best, the way I can know is not the way, the road I plan is not the road. Just flow on. Sometimes I'm too heavy and I need to lighten up. Whatever this emotional storm is about, it's not an existential failure of my strength. It's just life!  This is it. This is my life.

I can't cry anymore, my body won't. Which is good, because I was going to have to get a sedative today if it didn't stop! I think it's "After great pain, a formal feeling comes," as Dickinson wrote. It's hard to move in a formal feeling. But click click, we must trot on, gently, slowly, but I can't stay in bed today. It won't help, I tossed and turned and sighed and cursed all night. I don't need rest, I need to let life carry me along today. Life goes on, and I'm still in it. That's a good thing, even if it hurts. The sky is blue, the grass is green. Frank munches on, studiously selecting the best lettuce leaves and leaving the soggy ones. Paint to canvas, HannahOne.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, one of the first things that came to mind was the idea of putting those feelings, the pain, uncertainty, the sadness, all of it on the canvas.  Some of the great artworks are manifestations of the artist's feelings.  i'm just glad you have that outlet.  i hope it serves you well no matter which way you go with it.  i just really hope you're glad you went.

sending love and a hug filled w/ a bucket to catch everything that drips out.

[HannahOne]

Wow, thank you so much SanMagic7.

Yesterday I conceived of a new project. It's a mashup piece. I love the mashup. I am hooked on all the mashup songs right now, Only time X Plain Jane (explicit warning!), What's Up X Beez... It's like the parts of me when there's connection and harmony. The mashup can do what a single thing can't do. The best therapy is a mashup, a collaboration. Never overriding the original, but taking what was and updating it, adding to it, harmonizing with it to make something new. So it's a collage type thing. I Can't explain it yet because I haven't executed it. But yes. A container. A place to put all this inner conflict, all these feelings, to externalize them and say it without words.

Thank you. 

[TheBigBlue]

Sending you support