Hello

[Hilario]

Cptsd, cen, who would have thought. 2 years ago I started having neurological pain, heart arrhythmia,  fluctuating heart rate and blood pressure. It was soon followed by an altered consciousness feeling i described as feeling high. I began to have shakes in my arms and legs, walking became an adventure, my speech slowed down and I had trouble finding words and keeping my train of thought. I began to feel there was a heavy shroud over my consciousness, got seriously depressed, completely hopeless and was building to suicide.
Dr's began to use words like somatization and neurobiological hyper arousal all while I was convinced I had lewy body dementia. When I was at my lowest point I had a dream in which my mother figured prominently. When I woke up I had accepted the idea my mind body connection had fritzed.
With the help of antidepressants I had more control over the hopelessness. I started physical therapy and yoga. My physical symptoms went.from 8-9 down to 1-2. Woo hoo!  Much reading on ptsd, cptsd and emotional neglect. It all makes more sense.
The problem is the mental symptom of being altered stays at around 6. And has done so since my dream epiphany. In social situations I feel like an alcoholic who is trying to maintain the semblance of being normal. I keep trying to approximate the appropriate social interactions, but it is a draining chore. I can last about 1-2 hours before I need to just checkout. I know I shouldn't isolate and so I keep doing these social chores hoping the normal me will return. I wish I could get a handle on this or find someone who has this type of altered state.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Hilario.  I am so sorry you are struggling with all that you are. 

I know you mentioned having seen doctors but have you seen a trauma therapist?  Most of us here suffer(ed) from varying degrees of dissociation which I'm sure you've read about in the CPTSD resources you've read.  It s an altered state and meant to help us get through our trauma. That sounds like what may be going on with you, a way of protecting yourself from full on knowing or feeling your trauma.  A therapist could help you work through things a slow, safe pace.

 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Hilario,

Welcome to the group. The last two years sounds intense. I like how you are working to remain physically and socially active. That's a good plan, because you're right, it's easier to isolate. But isolation is a slippery slope into depression. I'm impressed that you are working so hard to stand up to this depression and physical pain.

Like Kizzie says, Dissociative states, or long states of "Emotional Flashback" are pretty common on this forum with a lot of people, me included. While many of us have these episodes, they probably feel a bit different for each of us. I would describe mine as a chronic state of daydreaming and emotional paralysis. From tween years to 50 I probably lived 95% of my life in a daydream, trying to not feel the emotional pain from my distrust for the people who love me today. I'm a social person, and I want to give and receive love. But when people prove they love me, my brain says "WOAH! Be careful! The ones who love you are the most dangerous". So, since I can't align my brain with both: loving my wife, kids and grandkids, while simultaneously distrusting anyone who loves me, it sort of blows a fuse in my brain. My brain remembers what my Family of Origin (FOO) did to me, and steps in to help protect me from my current family (Even though my current family can be trusted), so it just disconnects and goes into my imaginary world where I'm safe from the pain of being betrayed by those from this world.

Over the years, my trauma therapist has helped me reduce my daydreamy, dissociative, Emotional Flashback state to less than 5% of my life, and he's helped me become much better at trusting people who really can be trusted.  The other day I said to him, "great!  After 60 years of living safely in a dream world, you ground me to the real world just as it's falling apart." (It was a joke. Humor is one of my top ten coping mechanisms). For me, my years of "going numb" mentally and emotionally are triggered by trust. My brain remembers what the people I trusted were capable of, and how quickly family and friends can suddenly turn into monsters at any moment, so it tries to help me avoid feeling the crushing pain if/when that happens again.

My brain uses the past to predict the future. It's not trying to hurt me, it's trying to protect me.

[Hilario]

Thanks kizzie, papa. I was very happy to find this forum. I am in alaska and finding a trauma therapist is difficult. Papa your trust comments resonate with me. When I interact with young children who show me affection and trust I feel safe because I know they would never hurt me in their innocence. When my wife of twenty years is judgemental or critical I emotionally withdraw and start spiraling into depression.
Are there any resources to find qualified trauma therapists by location? I found a brainspotting therapist but she only accepts cash an I cannot afford to do treatment. I may have a lead on an emdr therapist but they are not experienced. I am signed up for a psychotherapist but don't know if they are specialized for trauma.
Do either of you know whether trauma specialized retreats can make a difference  ?

[Papa Coco]

Hi Hilario,

I like what you said about being more comfortable around children. I'm that way too. When my grandsons say they love me I believe them. I'm the same way with pets. A dog that loves me isn't lying. If a dog loves me, it loves me and I trust it. But like you, my wife, who is literally my very best friend, can twist me into knots by responding wrong or accusing me of something I didn't do. We've been married for 39 1/2 years, and we trust each other implicitly, but my triggers are my triggers, and if she gives me "the look" it tears my soul in half. She is slightly on the Autism Spectrum, so she's inherently honest and trustworthy, but she isn't good at expressing her thoughts well. Her sad face looks just like her mad face, so when she's sad, I freak out because I read it as mad even after all these years. It's not her fault, it's the fault of my mom and older NPD sister who used lies and tricks and nasty facial expressions to humiliate and control me for most of my life.

I've never gone to a trauma retreat, but any contributing source for healing can be a good experience. For me a combined approach to healing is critical. Retreats, self-help books, joining this forum, finding a good DBT Trauma therapist, reading Psychology Today, following the progress toward micro-dosing as a future cure, EMDR, talking with friends, writing stories, or painting pictures, or writing songs...each little thing I can do moves me forward another inch. Also, watching movies I can relate to: for me, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and Manchester by the Sea were great places for me to feel like I am not alone as a male with CPTSD. They didn't offer much solution, but they helped me to validate that there are other men out there dealing with what I deal with. (Footnote: Since learning I have PTSD in 2005, I struggled for over 10 years in a world where I was not allowed to have it. In 2005-2015 or so, ONLY women and soldiers were allowed to be diagnosed with PTSD. I have some horrific stories. I was once asked to leave a PTSD conference because I wasn't a veteran. I've been shamed and humiliated by my veteran friends for having a trauma disorder without having "gone to war and seeing what they saw." At one point I even found a conference center in AZ that helped people with PTSD, and on their website they specifically stated, "Only women can get PTSD from childhood abuse, and it's impossible for men to have PTSD if they haven't been to war."  So, THANK GAWD our world has opened up and finally accepted that civilian men can be traumatized too and deserve treatment just as much as soldiers and women do).

I live in Seattle which has a plethora of therapists, so I was able to keep trying them until I finally found one who I could connect with enough for him to be able to get through to me. But in the spirit of seek and you will find, it took 20 years for me to find him. The first 7 therapists were duds; talking textbooks who blurted out clever one-likers like "God doesn't make junk" to cure my years of sexual abuse and emotional abuse at church. Their toolbox was quips and tricks like having me scream into pillows rather than connect with me as a person and help me integrate myself back together. But I just didn't stop looking for the right one. If I had stopped seeking, I'd have never found the T I see now. He is the person who first told me what PTSD was. He also did some EMDR with me about 15 years ago and I have to say, that EMDR was very helpful. VERY helpful. All he did was tell me to watch his thumb while I talked about my traumas. He'd move his thumb around in wide circles, and my job was to not move my head, but follow his thumb with my eyes while I told my traumatic stories. It supported the fact that the eyes are a window that allow light into the brain, and as I move my eyes around, it's like moving a flashlight in a dark room, it lights up various parts of the brain to encourage them to work together during trauma flashbacks, rather than allow the compartmentalization to continue. It sounds silly, but hokey-smokes, that treatment was a major step in gaining significant control over my previously uncontrollable trauma triggers. I still have mood swings, but they are far more controllable post-EMDR. From there, we moved on to different things, but as a combined approach, I definitely think EMDR was one of the contributing treatments that helped me move forward in miles rather than inches.

When I was in AA, while getting off the booze, they used to say "We strive for improvement each day, not perfection". I stole the saying because it helps me feel like, even if there's no real cure for PTSD, at least I can continue to improve each year, and that is a-okay with me. Everyone has problems, and by relentlessly seeking more and more solutions, I'm learning to play the hand I was dealt. The little collection of mini-cures that move me forward each year can be from a basket of various things, like EMDR, diet or exercise, good therapy, reading the right books, watching the right movies...anything that helps me further my understanding of how I came to be this messy little mess of tangled up wires in my brain. This seek and you shall find technique works well for me. So I live by it.

I don't measure my success by the day, I measure it by the year. Each year I can say that I am a bit healthier than the year before because, by trying every door and talking openly about my situation, I somehow learned a little bit more about my situation during the last 12 months. Joining this forum has given me a lot of miles too. I really feel like I'm in better shape today than I was when I joined it a year ago. Good people here. I needed feedback from good people who truly do have similar experiences and don't need to be convinced that my pain is real. I hope this forum is good for you too, and that you are able to find a good Trauma Therapist sooner than later. Today we have ZOOM, which should help with geographic challenges between you and them.

I'm pulling for you!

[paul72]

Welcome Hillario
I hope you find this forum very supportive

I resonate a lot with what you and Papa have said about your wives. I have the same issue...
I feel criticized when that was never the intent... interesting how that happens even with ideal partners
Anyway, thanks for joining and I wish you the best in your healing journey along side the rest of us