Communicating with / on behalf of the inner child

[CrackedIce]

So my next therapy homework assignment is to write a letter to myself from the perspective of my inner child.  I recently wrote to my inner child as a part of my last homework assignment, and I wasn't exactly kind, although as part of that I realized I was working through my inner critic programming.

Any tips for getting into the mindset of your inner child? Do visual aids help, spending time with past memories, self-medicating, ?

[Not Alone]

CrackedIce, The book, Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Lucia Capacchione is about helping you to connect with your inner child. I'm sorry that I don't have personal advice for you. I am pretty attuned to my younger Parts. I don't recall the process of how that came about.

[CrackedIce]

Thanks for the book recommendation! I've been on a tear with therapy books so far, currently on Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller and Aline Lapierre, once I'm done that I can queue that up next

[rainydiary]

Things I have found supportive: finding ways to play, taking some time to listen to myself and to hear the voice under my critic, saying the things my younger self needed my parents or grown ups to say, being curious, pursuing things I couldn't do when I was younger or gave up.

[Ymom29]

Rainyday's statement about  "saying the things my younger self needed my parents or grown ups to say," really resonated for me. I just recently started writing letters to myself at specific ages, and specific moments of trauma, that occurred throughout my childhood and well into my adulthood. I write to the 3 year old me, using very simple words a 3 year old can understand. Same with my 5 year old and 9 year old me. Dread writing to 10 year old me and up, because the trauma got worse as I got older, and things became less hidden, more obvious, and we (the dysfunctional nuclear family unit) became more cut-off from others (aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, etc) and I had to go to school and pretend my life was normal. But I went to a small, private school. Everyone knew of a specific trauma when I was 9. That made me "othered" even as a teen in high school. And knowing I couldn't tell anyone the full truth, because they wouldn't believe it. If they didn't believe it, then I would appear to be "lying to get attention." If somehow my peers believed it, I would have been shunned or othered even more than I already was.

But getting back to what I have written to my inner child as various ages/traumas, I noticed that I saw this child as Brave, Kind, Caring, Smart, and Determined. Yet, I have great difficulty seeing myself as any of those things. But I know my husband sees it, just as he sees the trauma monster when she comes out. But I want to heal my inner child, I want her to know the level of bravery, determination, kindness, she had, and her anger is justified, and her ability to forgive, is what has enabled me to have a good life, a good marriage, a son who has anxiety disorder (but is learning how to manage it as a teenager, better than I did in my 30's & 40's).

So, yeah, my inner child has tried everything from adult tantrums to overeating, to pushing emotionally healthy people away, to not believing the good things but very much believing the bad things said to me, or said about me, to constantly doubting my parenting, to not giving myself credit for the good parenting that is the majority of the time, but instead focusing on the times I have messed up badly or even mildly, and losing it because I now think I have traumatized my son on the level and to the same extend I was traumatized. So, what the adult me says inside me is a storm of bad. Yet when I write to my younger self, I see her as Brave, Determined, Kind, Strong. So, how is it I can't see that in current me more often?

[NarcKiddo]

I have not done a great deal of inner child work yet. I find it difficult. Adult me tends to remain in control and start feeling upset on behalf of child me. I've tried looking at photos and imagining being back in the few memories I have that are not dangerous. I spend quite a lot of time taking myself to my grandmother's house as I felt/feel emotionally safe there.

I have had one experience with my inner child that was very profound. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and brought to mind something my mother had said about my father the day before. It was a fairly innocuous comment but had upset me at the time. When I woke up and remembered it I was overcome with sadness and had a huge crying fit. Somehow a tiny part of adult me remained aware and realised that the emotional reaction was coming from child me. Adult me tried to comfort child me and asked what was wrong. This provoked more crying. Adult me tried saying 'It's OK, you're safe, it's safe to tell me what's wrong' and this provoked a complete tsunami of emotion. Fortunately the tiny bit of adult me hung around and then said to child me 'You don't have to tell me anything. It's OK. I'm here for you.' That worked very fast, and within 5 minutes I was calm and ready to go back to sleep.

When talking it through with my therapist it was fairly easy to work out why the earlier attempts by adult me did nothing to comfort child me. My mother is emotionally engulfing and wants to know everything.

For the purposes of trying to address your question, my limited experiences so far tell me that child me is very emotionally driven. She is not easily accessible if I make active efforts to place myself in childhood but is there if I really get in touch with my emotions. If I wanted to write a letter to myself from child me I might start by doing something I liked (colouring) or maybe didn't like (needlework) as a child to see if that triggered some emotions. And if adult me had already written to child me, I would probably reply to that letter.

[Kizzie]

I had a therapist who used hypnosis to talk to child me and I remember saying "I want to play" and so that's what I did - swinging on swings is fun, I also took a drumming class and must say it was a blast - I laughed so much and thoroughly enjoyed wailing away on the drum.  I love to play in the water and at the time we lived on the east coast so I would go body surfing in the ocean.  My H and S would go lay on the beach long before me and eventually I would come out all pruney and tired but so happy.

I had another therapist (H was military so we moved around a lot). who had child me write to adult me in crayon using my non-dominant hand and younger me was quite clear about wanting adult me to protect her, love her and once again, find ways she could play.  I think the playing part and having fun was really what enticed her to come out of hiding more and more. 

I think for me it was showing younger me life could be fun, that I would help her to play and feel happy.

[storyworld]

I know this is a somewhat older thread, but I'd love to hear experiences on inner child work, and if anyone found their "inner child" or "parts" a bit too real?

[Kizzie]

Not quite sure what you mean Storyworld, could you clarify perhaps?