Ground Zero - Trust

[dollyvee]

Wanted to say how affirming it is to read everyone's experiences on this board. I find myself having similar struggles with trust in my relationships and peoples' "selfish" intent. I've just joined this board and am reflective on where I'm at and beginning to map out my next healing steps.

I grew up in isolation and I don't mind being a loner to a certain degree. Certain times it's helped me - that I've had to stand up for myself against "injustice" and been the only voice to do so. Like when I stood up to my step father and mother's bullying behaviour. This has followed me into adulthood and find myself in a similar position at work sometimes - a lot of the time. I have a demanding job in a competitive field where there are limited number of women. As in less than 10 out of over 100 men doing the same job. My abilities are questioned, my personality is questioned and a lot of the time it brings up "old stuff" in me.

I find myself to be a quiet person at heart. I like to observe and be reflective about things, prefer deeper connections. It's been hard to find similar people to relate to in my career and life. I think underneath it all is still a small me, not really trusting people or wanting to bring them in. I think over a time, I've been so discouraged by peoples' bad/selfish behaviour that I do feel like it's better to be alone. I guess that's not true on some level. Even in a NPD group I found someone who seemed like they got it, but I had issues. I was explaining how I'd never found a partner (I think as a result of my upbringing and not being able to get close to people, choosing narcs for a while) and that I'd been coming to terms with the fact that I might never have children (something I've always wanted) because I'm getting older and that window is closing (40 now). So, it's something I have to realistically come to terms with. They said no you can't give up and sent me a photo of her daughter out of nowhere.   

When I do meet someone new that I think I might have a connection with, I get anxiety that I might do something to mess it up or that it's not going to work out anyway. I get bypassed in romantic relationships for women who come from "good families" and who are "confident" (I say confident but in my experience what men perceive as confident involves a lot of passive aggressive/petty behaviour to other women) or left when I want more of a connection than just sex. Underneath that I think is the belief/feeling that I might be used/exploited. I have anxiety about being "out there" in the world with so many judgemental and uncaring people.

This is a bit of a ramble but I just wanted to say I relate to those who feel like they're alone and continually disappointed with social interaction. For the longest time I thought is was me. However, I'm really glad I've tried to be as true as possible to myself and what I need even if it isn't /wasn't always easy.

[Beasley]

Yes, I can understand your experience. Now that l  am working on healing myself I'm starting to understand why I don't connect with others and am working on solutions that will at least reduce the negative self-judgement.

[Kizzie]

I feel very similarly Dolly, moreso as I've aged.  I'm wondering if/when I try the Ketamine treatment this will change, that I will be willing/able to be more open to others.  I know Pap Coco said he felt much more connected to others. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Kizzie. I think I do too, it's as if people seem to confirm the things we believe or have learned about the world (but maybe it's just a pattern we're repeating?). I reread this post and I feel it's still true but as if I'm maybe processing it on a feeling level now? I think sometimes we conceptualize things before working them out.

I was actually feeling the other night, I guess maybe subconsciously seeing the ways I protect myself. I don't know if that makes sense but I can sort of see/feel (the see/feel might be a good term because it never feels like a solid thought?) how I protect myself or maybe the ways I am in the world which came from a place that no longer serve me. But, unlike the "old me," it's not purely intellectual where I'm devising a plan how to "fix" it. I read Slackjaw99's post on remission from cPTSD and they said that it's like MD gives you permission to feel these things finally. I think that might be accurate on how it works.

[Kizzie]

And maybe the MD allows you to feel/see things you couldn't let yourself before because it was too much, but with the psilocybin there is a degree of acceptance of who and what you are? 

I have anxiety about being "out there" in the world with so many judgmental and uncaring people.

I can't help but focus on those people too and I know now I expend so much of my energy avoiding them, worrying about them.  As I wrote in my previous post I hope Ketamine/MD will allow me to open up to the other people in the world who are caring and non-judgmental. So far I haven't been able to focus elsewhere in order to keep myself safe I guess.  But protecting myself comes at such a price much as you've found. 

[dollyvee]

Yeah, I think that could be close. I read on another forum that mushrooms allow you to see what there and not what you want to see. For us, it could be that the old patterns we're (or our nervous system are) stuck in are not really there, and it's freeing.

I'm still feeling the feeling of not liking being around certain people but maybe less stressed about it? Tho in other situations, like dealing with landlord stuff, it feels like bring old stuff up with fresh feeling. But maybe in a way that's spurring me into action