Revcovery notes Oct

[jamesG.1]

Thought I'd take a rare chance to sit quietly and write down some thoughts. Good to do once in a while.

A lot better than of late as I settle a few issues down.

My medication is undeniably helping though I had to drop the dose by half once they settled in as the fatigue was a bit counter-productive. They make me very prone to negative results with alcohol, however, which is a mixed blessing. Now it just needs 3 small beers, and the next day I'm all over the place with fatigue and headaches. Getting used to zero alcohol is going to be a challenge; we shall see.

I seem to be reconciling the loss of old friends as a by-product to my trauma and aftermath. Hey, ho... what can you do? I think I'm accepting this finally. It's tragic, but it happened, and no amount of hand ringing by me can make it any different. I have also come to realise the love I have now from people, something I've been a bit blind to if I'm honest. My workmates are solid friends, even more so given that they all know the story. Yes there have been a few moments where I tested that for them, but they've stood by me as I've recovered and are still there.. more than I can say for my older friends who have largely dropped me.

I'm also slipping more into accepting my new relationships. There have been times, many times, when I've wanted to run. It felt alien, an intrusion, like wearing someone else's clothes. It still does a bit. But less so. Mourning a lost life while being in a new one and not showing it has been a tall order, and I'm really surprised that my partner has kept with me. It made me unloving, distant and angry, feeling misunderstood and unable to give anyone what they needed from me. I felt savagely betrayed, unready for trust and commitment.

Key to getting past this has been to let the past go, and only as that has crept in have I been able to get anything from the present.

Letting the past go is so easily said, but so very hard. The past, for better of worse, is all we have, and it takes an unrealistically perfect present to distract from both the best and the worst of what came before. I guess I had to accept how I was obstructing the present, pushing too hard to recreate conditions that could never be reformed in my new life. Loss of the good is hard in C-PTSD. Those rubies in the dust torture you, hinting endlessly at what-ifs that are long past making real.

The dust... well I'm getting that squared away. My main protagonist, the one responsible for 80% of the trauma I went through is still alive. Surprising, really given his ripeness for a heart attack. Fading now is my desperation for him to finally go, to feel what it is like without his malign presence out there, wishing me ill. He's just one man, lost in the crowds, a menace to no one but himself, strangled by his own narcissistic hands. So much narcissistic abuse is done without the monster being there at all, as the poor victim self-sabotages or demonstrates with the attacker In their own head. Enough of that.

Somehow in all that has happened, I kept up employment, dod better than before even, keeping my own income for once and reaping rewards from the panicked driver to overcome my swan dive into trauma. But it's starting to feel a bit much now. Nothing felt like it was enough, somehow, and yet I've pulled a colony of rabbits out of this tired old hat. It's time to ease off. This I'm finding very hard. It feels crazy to talk of taking my foot off the accelerator, but if I don't then I'm gonna crash and burn. I'm hearing the advice there finally.

You can beat C-PTSD. But you have to cut those people away now, for good or you will be just postponing the job til later. It hurts, but your new life can't ever happen while the old life plays out. What is wrong is wrong, and no one should have to live with any form of abuse, especially that which deforms who you were meant to be.

Be free.

[Blueberry]

Hi James,
I've been reading your updates / recovery notes as they come. Idk if I've ever responded to one but I'm doing so now. They're helpful to read, even if I don't feel as far in recovery as you seem to be. I'm genuinely glad for you that you have been making progress and that you continue to do so. I remember back a few years - you were writing quite different things.

[Kizzie]

Key to getting past this has been to let the past go, and only as that has crept in have I been able to get anything from the present. Letting the past go is so easily said, but so very hard. The past, for better of worse, is all we have, and it takes an unrealistically perfect present to distract from both the best and the worst of what came before. I guess I had to accept how I was obstructing the present,

Getting past the past - that's it isn't it?  As you say it sounds simple and I guess it's why well intentioned (sometimes lazy) people say to us "Can't you just let it (the past) go?"   Well yes of course, why didn't I think of that?   

For me getting past the past involves integrating it, becoming 'comfortable' with it.  "Comfortable" isn't quite the right word but it's close.  It's being able to lift out of the trauma hamster wheel we constantly run on and tuck the trauma into various spots within. It's there just like non-trauma memories and I can see/feel them from afar, but I am able to stand back from the abuse/memories and have more of a flattened response, a "meh, what's done is done" response. It isn't the letting go people envision (poof and it's gone), it is integrating it and moving on from it.  This is my version of getting past the past of course, we all have our own path.

I should add I am not there yet, it's just what I am working on with the aid of ketamine assisted therapy.  I'm only on session 3 but it's what I'm going for. 

I admire you for digging into your trauma muck and making changes based on your own tenacity, a helpful medication and people you are letting into your internal space to support and care for you.