Crying For Mommy

[Bach]

I was reading Bermuda's thread about the childhood self, and in it there was some discussion about the confusing feeling of "I want my mother" when the mother is/was one who hurts and doesn't nurture.  That resonated with me greatly, and reminded me of how even when I was a child with no understanding of what was happening to me I was confused by the feeling of "I want my mother," because I knew that what I wanted wasn't MY mother.  Even then I knew that I was wanting something that I needed that she wouldn't give me.  I used to cry that I wanted my Mommy and that nobody loved me, and it was the most confusing feeling in the world at the time because I wanted Mommy but I was scared of Mommy, and Mommy said she loved me but I never felt like she did.  I'm feeling an inner child in me right now that is hurting and crying for Mommy, feeling the helpless falling sensation of needing, needing, needing, and not having, and not being loved.  I think that's where the feeling of "Why didn't anybody love me?" that I've been experiencing lately comes from. 

[NarcKiddo]

It is horrendously confusing.

I can't actually remember crying for my mother, though I expect I did. As an adult I have sometimes whimpered something of the sort but I never mean "her" and I would never whimper such a thing in her hearing.

What I do vividly remember is falling off my new bicycle on an outing to the park with a friend. I got a lot of gravel stuck in my knee (still have the scar). It was way before mobile phones so we had to walk back. My friend lived opposite. She, naturally, said her mother would help and neither of us even thought to go to my house. Her mother took a look and did not like what she saw. She said she would take me back home so my mother could decide what to do. I remember having total hysterics, screaming and crying and begging her not to send me to my mother. In the end my friend's mother agreed to run my knee under her shower and wash all the stones out. She did so, and dressed the wound before taking me home. I have no idea what the woman made of my total meltdown. She is one of the people I consider could maybe have noticed all was not well. And maybe she did.

She told my mother I had not wanted to go straight home and I expected a punishment for that but I can't remember if I got one. I am sure my mother was secretly pleased at not having to be lumbered with sorting me out or taking me to a doctor.

It's when they claim to love you that the whole thing becomes intolerably confusing, because you have to believe them and then you suppose that is what love means. I think our inner children are fifty shades off  up. How could they not be?

[Kizzie]

Oh geez Narc Kiddo, that is just awful and worse yet something I and probably most of here understand.  It's why we're here isn't it?  Bach you're post really resonates with me because it was quite clear when my NM passed last week and I spent the day crying, it was not for her but for the M I so wanted and deserved.  I want a mom, just not my M. Sadly we have to nurture little us and/or find others in our lives who can give us some of that love and nurturing our own M's didn't give us.

Big, warm hug for you both,

Kizzie

[Little2Nothing]

Through all the pain my mother inflicted on me I always wanted connection with her. I think that need is hardwired in us, it is visceral and automatic. I knew I could never be close to my mother, but the longing never subsided. 

[PaperDoll]

Thank you for starting this thread Bach.

I am really interested in attachment and how it relates to development of cPTSD. I don't have in-depth knowledge but I came across John Bowlby's attachment theory when I studied child development as part of my early years teacher training. It was a light-bulb moment for me in terms of realising how dysfunctional my relationship to my parents is/was. I identify with the anxious attachment type. I have a memory of repeatedly asking my mother, "Do you love me?"

According to attachment theory, babies and children are pre-programmed to seek out attachment to a mother-figure or substitute in order to ensure their survival in the world and that first relationship forms a template. If the mother-figure does not respond to the child's needs positively and consistently then the attachment formed will be insecure. There is hope though in that it is possible to form secure attachments later in life.

One tool I came across to support healing from insecure attachment is the Ideal Parent Figure method which uses the power of positive visualisation. There is a guided meditation for this exercise on YouTube. I have only recently discovered IPF so would be interested to hear from anyone who has tried it or knows more about it.