Welcome to me

[MarinaMoonchild]

Hello new friends,

I have felt for a long time that I was struggling and didnt really understand it although I spend a lot of time in my head. I doubted my feelings and shamed myself for thinking I was suffering enough to be labeled depressed, anxious, traumatized.  I understand that now as my inner critic.  I am 35 years old and recently lost my emotionally negligent father to cancer and also fled a toxic long term friendship with a narcissist. Both of these emotional events has physical effects on me which have pushed me towards introspection and self healing.

It sounds so fancy when I can word it all together like this. In reality it has been much messier with lots of shame and sadness. Plus barfing which is terrible.

I am reading cPTSD by Pete Walker and it has been like turning on the light.  Never before had I realized how damaging it was to feel and internalize contempt from my caregivers and false friends. I have a lot to say on these subjects and I am very excited to join this forum.

[Snowdrop]

Welcome to the forum, Marina!

I'm sorry for everything that brought you here, and I hope you find it a place of healing.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome to OOTS Marina     

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your F, it's difficult when they have been negligent/abusive because we often have such mixed feelings.  Maybe we feel relieved and that causes shame or guilt or we feel the loss and then confusion over how we can possibly feel that way when our parent has not treated us with love/care/respect. The same goes for friends who we come to learn are N's, it'
s a loss maybe a good one in the long run but it can lead to a feeling of emptiness for a bit. 

The good thing about finding your way here is that people totally understand the mish mash of feelings and thoughts so post away when you are ready.   

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

[tryingguy]

Hello,
I have also read Pete's book and it is amazing. I am now reading one of his recommendations, "Healing the Shame that Binds us" and it is just as good. I recommend it to you if you have a strong and shaming inner critic.