Grief: Angering out felt abusive

[Cascade]

Hi Group,
Has anyone else felt like an abuser while healthily angering out?

In From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker outlines grieving as healing through four practices:

• angering
• crying
• verbal ventilating
• feeling

During my first deliberate, structured attempt at this yesterday (on my own), all four of these processes occurred.  Yay!... that's a good thing, right?  I angered using a rolled up towel on some propped-up pillows.  It was more physically demanding than expected, lol.  I beat the * outta those pillows, imaging them as my father and hitting them as he once hit me.  I felt a little bit "bad," though, doing that "to him."  I didn't want to be doing the same thing as he did.  In the moment, I pushed that sensation away and kept going.

Walking up this morning, I still felt shameful about my "physically abusive" actions.  I don't want to feel better by doing abusive things, thinking abusive thoughts.  Logically, I know I wasn't being abusive to anyone or even to him.  It was a towel on pillows, for cryin' out loud!  I'm still left with a sense of "perpetrating," though.  To my body, it felt that way.

On the flip side, I also woke this morning with the ball of anxiety in my gut nearly completely gone.  Maybe something "good" did happen.  Has anyone else been through anything similar?

So confused,
   -Cascade

[Chart]

Hello Cascade, to answer your question: yes and no. I myself have often felt the positive effects of my anger. But I think you are perhaps not making the distinction between controlled anger and uncontrolled anger. One is an energy giving us information, the other is a force that destroys. You are clearly using the former. Anger can be used for positive, but it is rare that we see this, we almost always see the destructive side. (And this side is especially informative, only we're usually too busy dealing with guilt to see any positive. (This recently happened to me. )
Additionally, you are perhaps judging your "intent". You mistakenly think that by acting something out it equates to the same thing. Which of course you already realize is not the case, which you even mentioned. We can only judge acts of our behavior, not the feelings surrounding them. But it is really good and revealing to explore the feelings you have surrounding your act. Bravo for the questioning spirit! I think you could explore a little your guilt feelings. But make a clear distinction from this and the anger work. I think they're  two different things. Ultimately any person is only responsible for their real actions. That you want to kill someone, but don't doesn't make you guilty nonetheless. And this is further proof of moral goodness: you have the strength to resist a negative act even though your feelings are pushing you in that direction. Just my thoughts on the situation. I think your question is great! Much love and support. We keep at all this together! Thank you!

[Cascade]

Hi Chart, thanks so much for your perspective.

I think you could explore a little your guilt feelings. But make a clear distinction from this and the anger work. I think they're two different things.

I'm just getting started and everything feels so jumbled up together, the guilt/shame, the anger.  All I had to go by during my angering out was how my body felt.  I suppose the guilt is held up in there, too, so if the anger comes out, other things will, too.

Thank you for congratulating me on my questioning and being supportive of it.  I'm trying to examine things and can't sort it out from my own perspective.  So glad you and this safe space are here!

[NarcKiddo]

I find it very helpful to have a physical outlet for my fight/flight reaction. I do boxing and I find it really helps to punch things out. However, I can understand your feelings about imagining your pillows were your father. Lots of people have seen me hitting the  out of the boxing bag in the gym and they like to ask me who I am pretending it is. In truth I never assign a human identity to it, possibly because I fear feeling like you did. I have assigned other things to it - I beat up cancer when my friend was suffering with that. If you don't find it helpful to imaging you are beating up a person maybe you could try beating up evil, or violence (yes, I know that sounds weird!), or cruelty.

Since you woke up feeling better I would encourage you to try using a physical outlet again to see how you get on, but frame it differently in case that works for you.

[Cascade]

Great thoughts, NarcKiddo!  Thanks so much for your encouragement and suggestions about framing when I go for another round.  It's funny you mention boxing.  For the longest time, I've joked about installing a speed bag.  Friends always recommend a full boxing bag.  I haven't done either.

[Papa Coco]

This is a great post. Cascade, thank you for bringing it up, and thanks to all three of you for conversing about it.

This is really good information for me. I currently exercise NO physical outlets for anger. I wonder now if that's partially why I feel so drained and so lazy and so defeated. I don't do any housework or yardwork anymore. I ride bikes for just a few minutes a day. I now fit into the description of a person with chronic depression. And now that you talk about release, I remember that some sources say that depression comes from unexpressed anger or unexpressed rage. For me, I wonder too if maybe rage is a better word rather than anger??? Rage feels like it doesn't have to be aimed at someone. Anger feels to me like it points at who I blame for my misery. That's not resonating with me well. Rage feels generic and easier to release without shame or guilt.

I need to start thinking about getting a punching bag or a speedbag or something. Yelling into pillows has never worked for me. Like you, Cascade, I feel like I'm acting out of the same anger that others used to control me. I don't want to become like my abusers. Screaming into a pillow just feels like I'm becoming one of them.

And NarcKiddo, that comment about how you don't assign a person's identity to the bag is really resonating as a good idea for me too. Pointing my rage at another person is almost like assigning blame for my misery onto them, and that's not a healthy way to live. I choose to be accountable for who I am and how I feel. However, rage can be unassigned. Pounding the bag in a fit of genuine rage has a healthier feel to me than pretending the bag is my sister so that I can become "like her" by attacking her how she has always attacked me.

There's some real genius in what all three of you said. This is just more proof to me that being connected to others is where strength and healing happen.

I'm going to start looking at my options. I'll explore punching bags, speedbags, and any sport that I might be drawn to that allows rage to flourish without the dark side of anger and shame that it has always brought for me.

[Cascade]

[Kizzie]

More often than not whenever I express anger I initially feel good I am letting it out, but then I flip into shame and feelings of failure.  Part of that is anger feels like I am not in control.  It is a rebound effect where the inner critic rises up and shouts about how I am supposed to be - always calm, responsible, respectful, tolerant, perfect - and rises up to fill me with fear and shame about who and what I am and how no-one will like me, how anger leads to abuse and isolation from others. 

Most people do get angry from time to time though, it helps us stand our ground in this life and as long as we do not go after the person and stick to the issues it's even healthy. Pete Walker talks about reigniting our protective instincts that we are all born with but survivors must snuff out or push down so more abuse and shame don't rain down on us. I'm working a lot on understanding that anger is a normal, healthy emotion but it's how you express it that makes a difference. I'm doing very well with my H, the rest of the world better, but not quite there yet. Just going to keep on working on it as I have made some progress so there's that.   

[Cascade]

Thanks, Kizzie.
Anger is a tough one.  I'm glad to hear of your progress!

Yeah, I figured there was a huge critic component to my experience.  It caught me off guard because I expect to "hear" the critic.  The bodily, visceral component of feeling like I was being abusive was very unexpected.  Thanks for letting me offload it here in this safe space.
   -Cascade

[jimrich]

Hello all:
When I finally entered group therapy, I soon discovered that I was holding in a huge OCEAN of bitter, explosive RAGE so I began trying various methods of anger work.  Most of them failed and even caused me more problems by offending some ppl.  Then I found an anger work book at my local library and this book (don't recall the title nor author) explained exactly how to do anger work in an effective and SAFE way.
The book said that I had to name the "correct target" of my anger and stop punishing everyone & thing around me.  So I looked over all the people and things I'd ever been angry with and finally came to my sadistic, violent dad!  I was scared to admit how much I hated him but he was dead by then so I focused my anger work on him.  I was told to mentally past his face on a piece of STUFFED furniture and begin telling him exactly how I felt about his abuses of me when I was a helpless child. I was to do this IN PRIVATE!  As I spoke to my rotten dad (as the piece of furniture) I became angrier & angrier (like the book said) and soon began punching him out.  I became insanely violent and beat that stuffed chair to a PULP in a loud, screaming, cursing, violent rage as all or most of the ocean of bitter, angry energy poured out of me and all over my rotten dad (as the chair). It was the very best and safest piece of anger work I ever did thanks to that book. The book said we have to go as long as possible in any anger session and perhaps do it again & again to vent or release the bottled up angry, hateful energy that I had been repressing since about 4 yo. Many ppl fail at this because they just won't go on venting long enough to get it all out and then they give up from either frustration or guilt.  I just had to give my rotten dad all I had and am very glad I did.  I soon began to feel a lot of releif and STOPPED hurting innocent others with my anger.  The key is to go all the way so as much violent energy is released as possible & onto the CORRECT TARGET. 
Most angry ppl are lashing out at the WRONG TARGET (road rage, bar fights, domestic violence, corporal punishment of kids) because they either don't dare take their anger back to the correct target or they are ashamed to go there. 
My rotten parents were the correct target for my bitter rage but I was always very afraid of them....until after therapy! 

[jimrich]

Hi gang:
Here's my other anger-work story.
One time I arrived at my 12 step meeting real early so I pulled out my little portable Sony tape recorder and began telling off my parents into the machine. Since I was alone in my car, I began cursing & yelling louder & louder at them INTO THE TAPE RECORDER.  It was like a private sharing meeting in my car with just my crumby parents and me!  Since my trusty tape recorder was patiently and respectfully LISTENING to me and not interrupting, pointing to the timer, rolling its eyes or giving me ADVICE, it turned out to be the most wonderful sharing session I ever had! My tape recorder was my best (and only) Recovery partner at that private meeting in my car and I blasted my parents harder than I'd ever done before!!!  When I finally went into the meeting, I felt so calm and satisfied and realized I'd just UNLOADED a ton of negative energy out in my car thanks to the help of my trusty tape recorder.  I was never able nor allowed to do that at a real sharing meeting! 
My trusty little tape recorder was the perfect Therapist and Listener that night!!!!