Mother Cut ME Out of Her Life - Hard Time Processing It

[SGB]

Long story short, both my mother and father suffer from mental illness and childhood CPTSD but refuse to acknowledge or get help. I am an only child who grew up in a household with a very emotionally abusive narcissistic father and a guilt shaming manipulative mother; not to mention the extremely dysfunctional emotionally abusive extended family on top of it.

Mother and I have always been very close to an unhealthy level, best friends more than mother-daughter, but the last few years have been strained since I moved across the country/got married/bought a house. We literally talk/text daily and it's moreso obligation on my part from guilt to be 'the good daughter'. Her mental health has severly declined over the past few years and I consider her an emotional vampire at this point since I am the only one she constantly complains to and leans on. I've given her myriad advice+time+money+support to help her live on her own but nothing is ever absorbed and it's just constant complaining about the same things over and over without any action on her end. I know her mental state has everything to do with this, but the, "The only reason I haven't killed myself is because of you" rhetoric really weighs heavy on my shoulders. I finally broke down a few months back after a particularly bad onslaught of crap from her and wrote her a long letter about our adult relationship being toxic and how I would like us to have a real mother-daughter relationship. Of course the letter was virtually ignored and when I did get a response from her it was many days later, I was told that I was the one in the wrong and that, "I can't handle stress well since I can't be there for her emotionally. It's my job as her daughter to be there for her."

I haven't seen her in person since early 2017, not because I chose to purposely do that, but because my husband & I have been financially tight since literally moving across the country and paying down debts to buy a house. There have been many times where I have been very close to cutting her out of my life but i just can't seem to do it because it honestly makes me feel like crap thinking that I would be the one to finalize closure. I worry that she would try to commit suicide if I told her that I can't talk to her anymore, and I don't want that on my shoudlers for the rest of my life. So, in essence, I am being held captive by her.

Well, 3 weeks ago, when all the rioting started up here in the U.S., we had just had a benign conversation about something the day before so I was thinking that everything was okay between us at that point in time. Well, the next day I get a barage of guilt shaming snarky texts saying thanks alot for calling to see how she is doing and it's nice to know she has a daughter who cares about her mother during these times of rioting, not to talk to her anymore because she has had it with me, have a good life, and we should write each other off because we'll never see each other again. This all was unprovoked, out of the blue, completely from left field, and I was blind-sided. Literally talked to her the day before this happened, so it wasn't like we didn't speak for weeks on end or something like that.

Since then, I've been battling very hard with coming to terms with this. Never in my 33 years of life have we gone without talking for more than maybe 3 days at a time and we are now going on 3 weeks with no communication. I worry that she has maybe harmed herself in some way and that I should check up on her, but I refuse to initiate any communication at this point since she is the one who initiated this. Whether she was serious or not in the threats, actions speak louder than words and I am downright hurt. I always thought I would be the one to cut her out of my life, not the other way around...especially when I was not in the wrong. I have been very emotional and feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions. It has been a breath of fresh air not having to talk to her, but the way it went down is so wrong on so many levels. I feel like I don't know how to process it and move on - after talking to my husband and 2 best friends, they tell me to just try and move on now. Easier said than done.

[OceanStar]

Hi SGB
I just wanted to say I've read your post and I hear your pain.

I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband and friends, even if there reaction wasn't quite fitting. Please do keep talking, or posting how you're doing on here.

Sending a hug if that's ok.

[Three Roses]

Yes, easier said than done is right! Going no-contact with family is difficult, especially moms because there is so much societal pressure to maintain ties with moms. But moms can be abusive and toxic just as easily as any other family member, and perhaps you could see this as "dodging a bullet" in that you don't need to feel guilty about it, as she is the one who initiated NC.

It sounds as if she is quite narcissistic in her outlook on life, and so you might want to visit our sister site, Out of the Fog. "Fog" stands for the "fear, obligation and guilt" that we feel from being in relationships with toxic, personality-disordered people. Here's a link to that website https://outofthefog.website and their forum https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php. Also, a helpful, relatively short YouTube on five key phrases to use in dealing with narcissists that I've found very helpful. https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k. (The fifth phrase and the following explanation were particularly helpful to me.)

Best wishes on your healing journey!

[OverAndOver]

Thanks for sharing. I found when I moved across the country away from my mother who could easily afford a flight ticket she never came to see me one time and was almost angry that I was making progress in my life with my career which blossomed being away from her constant criticisms and shaming. Although I was in a serious long-term relationship I was still called "loose" and an embarrassment to her. You are right to feel relieved to have a reprieve from such that draining relationship