Here I am...

[Scrat]

Hi,

It started with childhood abuse and neglect and continued with more abuse and more neglect throughout my teenage and early adult years. I have been always in and out of therapy. Although I dont have access to specific memories but most probably abuse and neglect was part of some of those attempts at therapy as well.

Then I started to retreat into myself and my own world more and more. But out of accident I ended up with a T to whom I could connect. In a not healthy way I think now, but still I could and that meant the world to me. It meant, there is hope and I latched on to that hope with all I had and with unfiltered childlike curiosity and hope. But it ended disasterously. Most probably because of my way of connecting and the T's very late recognition of that she is just not experienced enough and cannot help. I think we both got deeply traumatized. Then my CPTSD spiralled out of control, I spiralled out of control, and came long nightmarish years of me desperately trying to get back into therapy, find a T to connect to again and find the hope and sense of healing I had just lost so disasterously. X number of Ts later I found the one who has been with me for more than two years now and finally I think I am in the right place with the right support in the right kind of therapy and for the very first time in my life I can feel a real and (I think) healthy stability and safety with her instead of just hoping or wishing that "this is finally it".

Last year I finally moved out of the house of my childhood away from the person responsible for the large part of my trauma and I am now living on my own. For the outside world I seem highly functioning, having a good and secure job, never really needing much help or anything. But I came out of all of these years almost completely isolated, unable to control almost any of the symptoms of my CPTSD and with a mastery of pretending that I am perfectly allright.
And the beginning of this year, it finally happened, the iron grip of the endless emotional flashbacks and dissociation stopped for a just enough moment and I could see my T, the reality of what she is offering and doing and connect to her, after she has been right by my side for two long years with quiet determination, safetly and stability.

I am here because I am lonely and hoping to find a possible way to start reconnecting somehow to the real world to real people. My biggest fear is that again I am going to just disappear from here as well and as usual, even though I never mean any harm to anyone. But there is one thing I really never could bring myself to do: to stop trying and give up. So here I am, trying again in a different way.

[Armee]

Hi welcome to the forums I'm glad you are here. I'm sorry for all you've been through. 

Many of are familiar with the need or urge to run away. On the forums here sometimes all of us need to take a break so you can always just post on the "checking out" forum and then come back later, too. https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=62.0

[Not Alone]

I am glad you are here. Welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Scrat (awesome forum name BTW, I love Scrat!). 

I totally related to your description of yourself - "For the outside world I seem highly functioning, having a good and secure job, never really needing much help or anything. But I came out of all of these years almost completely isolated, unable to control almost any of the symptoms of my CPTSD and with a mastery of pretending that I am perfectly allright."   That's been me to a T and like you I want very much to connect authentically with others so I am trying my darndest to be open and honest in therapy and on here.  It's hard because that veneer of being strong is like a lovely shield from vulnerability but it also equals loneliness. 

As Armee suggested, you can come and go from here according to how comfortable you are.  We're all used to that as difficulty with relationships is one of the symptoms of CPTSD, as is avoidance of things that make us feel unsafe/triggered.  My suggestions - take your time and be kind to yourself. 

[Papa Coco]

HI Scrat!

I'm glad you found this forum. Your story touches my heart. I'm glad you were able to share it with us.

I hope you can stay with us for a while. I know what it feels like to want to escape. Flight is a common action I take also. Many times I've just snuck out the back door at gatherings. I always park where my car can't be blocked in, because I know I have a tendency to sneak out and vanish at events. And this forum is an event.

The compassion and empathy here is like medicine that really works. We're stronger together.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[Scrat]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and your kind words.

It is still very much strange to me and as such a bit frightening but I think that the bravest people are those who survived the unimaginable and I guess that logically includes me as well. So here I am still.

(Also I found that email notifications help a lot as my sense of curiosity and longing to belong and connect is stronger and is immediately touched when I see the email. It maybe useful for someone else as well.)

[Papa Coco]

Hi Scrat,

I'm glad to hear that you are finding a sense of belonging here. The email notifications are a good idea. I hadn't thought of doing that myself.

This forum gives me a sense of connection and belonging that I don't get anywhere else. My family (wife, son2, daughter-in-law and grandsons) loves me and respects me, but I can't really talk to them about EFs and Isolation and triggers because they just don't know what these things feel like. Here on the forum, I don't need to explain why I feel certain things. It's good for me to have you all to talk with. It's also good for my family that I'm not trying to make them understand what it feels like to be me with CPTSD.