My story

[compassion4all]

How I developed RTR:  I grew up in a household with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic father. I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 5. The first time I had a seizure my father slapped me in the face and told me to snap out of it. I eventually became the scapegoat for the entire family (though that took a very long time to see that). I only had three people I felt safe with (my brother, my grandfather and my mother) and all 3 died before I was 18. I didn't realize until later that although my mother was where I felt safe, she was too traumatized as well to offer me what i needed: love and support. Having seizures set me apart from other kids in school and it was difficult dealing with the reaction of peers (on top of being rejected by my family).  After leaving my FOO (is there a list of acronyms somewhere - I see a lot of them and have been only guessing) there is the familiar story of looking for love in all the wrong places. I always felt there was "something wrong" and always wanted help but I couldn't articulate it. I needed to learn how to love me.

Current Situation:  In 2017 I left my emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband. I was seeing a trauma therapist and was doing really well. I took a lot of time to grieve - not my husband so much as what led me to choosing him in the first place. I needed to grieve all the hurt I felt for a lifetime in a safe space. That was very healing. I started to feel connected agian. I started pursing new hobbies. I felt hopeful for the future. Then the pandemic...In the beginning I was ok working from home since I have a tendency to be an introvert anyway and enjoy my own company (sound familiar?).  After about a year and a half though, I started feeling anxious. Humans are not meant to be alone (even when we think we don't need anyone). I went out on disability for 3 months, tried to navigate the US healthcare system (nightmare) and went back to work Aug 1 only after spending thousands of my own money on hypnotherapy (which helped me).  When I went back I suspected they were not sympathetic or happy that I was out. The dept had new leadership just months before the pandemic so that made everything a bit more surreal than the pandemic itself already was. Last week I was laid off. It is a huge relief - I have savings plus severance plus EDD and I am confident I will soon find work. I'm a bit in awe of how well I am handling this new reality.  It could be way worse but...it could also be better...

In summary: I've done a lot of work, made a lot of progress but there are "miles to go before I sleep". I talk to friends but they are fortunate enough to not know what it is like processing the world from my perspective. It is almost impossible to explain. I am very glad this forum exists, although I admit that I wish it were a bit more active as I know there are a lot of us out there. I also wish that there were plenty of  "CPTSD 12 steps" or the like gatherings so that we could support each other in person. I think that would be very healing (but also, perfect is the enemy of good...). I chose my username based on what has been the most healing part of my journey: (finally) having the ability to have compassion for myself. The more I have for myself, the more I have for others.

[Armee]

I'm so happy to hear you are doing much better with the changes than might be expected given the circumstances. I'm glad you are here and welcome to the forum!

[compassion4all]

I'm so happy to hear you are doing much better with the changes than might be expected given the circumstances. I'm glad you are here and welcome to the forum!

Thanks Armee! I was reading some of your posts yesterday and I'm glad you are here as well.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Compassion4all    First of all here is the link to the acronyms - https://www.outofthestorm.website/acronyms/, that should make things a bit easier for you.

I couldn't agree more that we need more groups, especially F2F ones.  I only just recently found a F2F therapy group and I've been doing this since 2014.  I think it's that Complex PTSD/RTR is relatively new so professionals haven't had a chance to get training because the research is just beginning to accumulate on both the diagnosis and treatment, and survivors are only just starting to find one another.  I suspect things will be much better in a year or two or three. 

You could always start a F2F support group as it sounds like you have gotten a handle on things.   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Comapssion4all

You've chosen a beautiful name for yourself. I believe wholly that we are stronger together. Compassion for all certainly fits well with togetherness as we deal with unique, but similar, issues.

Finding a F2F support group would be so fantastic. I am always looking for something like that too.

For now, this forum has been one of the key components of my own healing. There's a lot of compassion and empathy here. Empathy is only possible in people who've walked a mile in the shoes of another. I also believe Empathy is the strongest healing power known to man. Having kindred souls to share and validate helps to untangle the confusion we all came here with.

I hope this forum is as helpful for you as it's been for me.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[compassion4all]

Thank you @Papa Coco.  Yes, compassion and empathy are so healing and in very short supply in dysfunctional FOO and in the world at large. I've read some of your posts when I first came here as well and I was impressed with your insight and empathy. Thank you for your warm welcome.

@Kizzie: Big thanks to you as well for the welcome and list of acronyms.

Re a F2F group. When I left my husband in 2017 I looked for a F2F group for people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships and were focused on healing (vs. complaining/blaming. I had already passed through that stage a few years prior .  I couldn't find one so I started one on MeetUp. I spoke with a lot of people on the phone who told me their story (which in itself was very healing as I felt very alone at that time). I tried to get a group of people together F2F a few times but it was difficult to get everyone available at the same time. The largest "group" was 3 people, including myself. A lot of people were an hours drive away, some more than that. I can't remember how many people were in the online group, I only remember thinking "wow - I didn't expect so many people to join! I am, sadly, definitely not alone in this".

I also found that since I started the group, when we did meet F2F, I sensed that people were looking to me expecting that I had some magic answer. That felt uncomfortable since I really only had my own story, empathy for others who have also been there and the belief that sharing is healing.  I don't have the answers. The only "answer" that I have is along the lines that sharing stories is healing and learning to have compassion for yourself is key. That's it.

Re "sounds like you have gotten a handle on things".  I think everyone here could probably agree that this is one of the most frustrating/challenging aspects of CPTSD. One day you have a handle on things and you feel confident because you've been doing the work and see progress and the next day you have an EF and are only focused on mitigating its intensity.  You think to yourself "Wow - yesterday - and for a while now I felt great and believed I had this but today....not so much".  One EF and then all attention is focused on breathing through it, journaling, playing piano....staying present, feeling where it is in my body, trying to just allow it and let it pass. That is where I am today (I spoke with my sister yesterday. Hmm...a coincidence? I think not...) I did all of the above and then I came here.  The good news is that I now have tools to deal with these feelings, they are less intense than they used to be and I recover more quickly. I used to "believe my feelings". Now I understand they are just stored memories that need to be released and I treat them with respect and kindness rather than fear (but fear is still my first reaction that I have to mitigate).  I try to remember that when these feelings come up, to see these feelings as those of my scared younger self (aka inner child). In the present time, it is my job to be a better parent to her than my parents were at the time. That means I try to allow her to feel what she feels, let her know she is safe, there is nothing shameful about her feelings, have compassion for her and allow her to cry if she needs to. In that sense, I suppose I do have a handle on things but only for myself. I certainly don't want to be in a position where I am being looked at as a leader who has it all together. My "wise parent" has a handle on things most of the time. But that part of me is relatively young and still trying to figure it out. I would imagine that this must resonate a bit for you being a forum leader. 

I am so glad this forum exists. Just knowing it is here is comforting. Thanks to all of you!

[Kizzie]

I used to "believe my feelings". Now I understand they are just stored memories that need to be released and I treat them with respect and kindness rather than fear (but fear is still my first reaction that I have to mitigate).  I try to remember that when these feelings come up, to see these feelings as those of my scared younger self (aka inner child). In the present time, it is my job to be a better parent to her than my parents were at the time. That means I try to allow her to feel what she feels, let her know she is safe, there is nothing shameful about her feelings, have compassion for her and allow her to cry if she needs to.

I could not have said that any better Compassion4all   

[Papa Coco]

Compassion4all,

Thank you for the kind words. It was nice to wake up to this post. I struggle, I suppose as we all do, with feeling valued. As a general rule, kind words are always welcome, always appreciated, always needed.

I agree with you that one of the most difficult aspects of CPTSD is the fact that it keeps returning. Days where I feel so much appreciation for having survived my young life, are followed up by days where I'm back in my young life, reliving it all over again.

Since hypnotherapy a few months back, I've been able to step back from the EFs and see them as nothing more than stored memories. For a few months now I've been sort of "set free" from reliving the past. I say that post-hypnosis, I still suffer the triggers, but they don't lead me into EFs anymore--at least, they haven't been as of lately. You described it perfectly: They come and go as nothing more than stored memories.

My goal is to continue to keep this frame of mind. I'll never be free from the triggers. I'll always struggle to trust. I'm also still struggling to find a meaning to life at all. But I hope to never fall into the abyss of reliving my past ever again. Time will determine if I'm successful.

And about your thoughts on starting F2F groups, I have hosted a few in my lifetime for victims of sexual assault, and I clearly see your points. All of them. Valid. Getting people to commit to a weekly get together is nearly impossible, and like you said also, if you start the group, then members often feel like you're the expert. The teacher. The boss.  I hope that F2F groups can one day become possible, but for right now, finding enough dedicated members in a CPTSD group, with people who live within driving distance, is a pretty tough task.  Support groups are great when there are enough members. AA and NA groups flourish, but the volumes of people dealing with addiction are everywhere. People suffering with CPTSD tend to isolate and hide from the world. It's a bit harder to get us to come out of our shells every week for a visit, especially during EFs.

I'm very glad you joined the forum. I like your name, Compassion4all. The only way we're going to save this world from itself is by bringing compassion back into fashion.

[compassion4all]

The only way we're going to save this world from itself is by bringing compassion back into fashion.