Something I Wonder

[rainydiary]

I have people I've known over the years that seem especially close to their families.

They go on vacation together, do a lot of shared activities, and even move as adults to be close to each other.

It makes me feel weird because I don't have that and also because there isn't anything inherently wrong with what they are doing.

Maybe I'm jealous or scared for them or confused.  I don't know how to make sense of it or why it is something I think a lot about at times.

[Azul]

I can relate to this. I think about it a lot too.

It even happens IN my family, but I had to separate myself from it in order to stop being mistreated.

It's definitely weird to see other people having that/doing it while not being able to do it myself. And I'm not sure how I feel about it either.

My family isn't a safe family for me to function that way with so, even if I desire it, it just isn't possible.

Maybe we're grieving. Grieving something natural that others have, but we don't. Idk

[MountainGirl]

I have similar difficulties when seeing mothers and daughters enjoying each other's company.
It is really painful for me. Watching women at , say the mall, maybe three generations of women shopping. talking , enjoying their outing - I do grieve for what I  never had. I think you are right that "grief" is the correct word.

[rainydiary]

Azul, your response made me think about ways some members of my family also spend time together with in this way.  I am not invited and the exclusion does hurt.  I don't particularly want to actually be there with them but being left out still hurts.  My family isn't safe for me either.

MountainGirl, I resonate with this. Last summer I took a mosaic class and there were two mother daughter pairs taking the class too.  It made me sad and I felt so complicated inside.  They were all really nice to me but it also hurt because I don't come from a family that would do that and even if we did it would be dysfunctional.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I resonate with these feelings, rainy. And I didn't know how to describe it succinctly before but you write it well - that I'm scared for them, or scared on their behalf. It is... a weird feeling. Because on one half I want to feel included, and then on the other half I would hate to be included.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[NarcKiddo]

I've been obliged to play happy families more often than I care to think about. I loathe it and the whole thing is an act.

Most of the people I know have what I would consider "normal" relationships with their parents. They see them regularly but are not joined at the hip and mostly don't go on holiday together. Some of them have had their elderly parents move in with them. That, I cannot fathom. I understand how it would make sense and if all parties get along I can logically see why they might make that choice, but emotionally the very thought makes me want to run a mile. When my husband and I first married he and I agreed that whatever happens neither of us will be having our parents to live in our home.

But the biggest shock to me was when my stepson got married and I saw the relationship his wife has with her mother. They are just so - happy. They love one another's company. They holiday together. The mother moved to their town. Everybody is happy about it, including my stepson. Not only do they want to be together a lot of the time, but they are also good about giving each other space. Nobody dictates to others when they must show up and do the family stuff. They just - I don't know - like it. The whole concept is so alien to me. I also don't know how to make sense of it or why it is something I think about a lot at times. I certainly don't want it. Not with my FOO, at any rate.