Dilemma

[Kizzie]

While your friend may not hit or beat you, they may play psychological games that leave you feeling hurt, exhausted, drained, or upset.

It is often really hard to get professionals (and others who haven't experienced it), to understand just how incredibly draining and damaging this kind of relationship and the emotional abuse is.  My M is an N and wow the games are so totally consuming - couldn't think, couldn't breathe, and I wanted her approval so badly that when she turned on me I felt like I would break in a million pieces.

I think this is why I don't let very many people close to me - I'm deeply afraid I'll get caught up in all that again if I don't recognize the person is like this.  That said, I know I am far too isolated and I need to try and make a few friends.  I have decided to attend the day treatment program for seniors with anxiety and depression that starts in March and see if that's something I can work on.

I've also been giving some thought to maybe starting a Zoom group with a small number of OOTS members so we can 'practice' friendships/relationships.  Is that attractive at all?

[natureluvr]

Yes, emotional abuse is a real soul killer, IMO.  I would rather be alone, than be in an emotionally abusive relationship or friendship.  The only person I'm close to now is my husband, and I have some online friends, too.  I'm going to be very cautious about who I allow to get close to me.  In the past, I have overshared because of my own emotional neediness.  I think that pushes away healthy people.  That is what my husband tells me.  Honestly, I have limited social skills because of 1) neglect and abuse in childhood gave me bad templates for relationships, and 2) my mother didn't allow me to join extracurriculars in school, or allow me to go out much at all when I was in high school and college.  When I did work, I was a computer programmer, so didn't interact much with people. 

[Kizzie]

I often feel like it's ("it" meaning being a trauma survivor) this big secret that runs in the background all the time and puts pressure on me either to hold it in or blurt it out.  That's not 'normal' for non-survivors.  They don't have all that noise in their head and heart when they are forming relationships.  They may have other things but trauma is pretty big and consuming so no wonder we aren't great at relationship building.

I just (finally!) found a psychologist who is running a group for survivors with CPTSD so I'm going to try out some relationship building with others in the group, plus hopefully talk about it as a topic if there is room to do so.

[natureluvr]

I often feel like it's ("it" meaning being a trauma survivor) this big secret that runs in the background all the time and puts pressure on me either to hold it in or blurt it out.  That's not 'normal' for non-survivors.  They don't have all that noise in their head and heart when they are forming relationships.  They may have other things but trauma is pretty big and consuming so no wonder we aren't great at relationship building.

I just (finally!) found a psychologist who is running a group for survivors with CPTSD so I'm going to try out some relationship building with others in the group, plus hopefully talk about it as a topic if there is room to do so.

Good insight - I agree, it's like that for me. 

Let me know how the group works out for you. 

[Kizzie]

Will do. I think I'm the first person here at OOTS to attend a group specifically for Complex PTSD so it's a bit of a milestone really.  The psychologist running it also does a group for indigenous people with Complex PTSD so she really is on the leading edge and forward thinking.