I keep spinning my wheels...

[Eireanne]

I have C-PTSD by being a parentified child in a household where there was no communication. 
I'm also dealing with chronic isolation (have been pretty isolated, not by my own choice, just by circumstance, my entire life).
I've had one relationship which I recognized as narcissistic/abusive and while trying to get treatment/heal from THAT (and all the other ongoing traumas) I was constantly being triggered by a woman I support at work who is also a narcissitic abusive woman...and when I advocated for myself experienced institutional betrayal.  I am currently out on medical leave while I try to find the language I need so I can feel like a survivor and not a victim. 

I've never experienced psychological safety, have been allowed autonomy or been able to set boundaries successfully.  I feel like I've been in survival mode so long I don't even know what it is I'm asking for....but I do know, I'm tired of carrying this burden myself and need help. 

Being my own advocate, while in crisis* is exhausting.  I don't have the resources or support I need, and I need more help than the fragmented workings of my own brain right now.  When I try to ask for help, it feels like my inner child who never got their needs met takes over and before I know it, instead of educating and advocating, I'm crying I wish I had a mom to take care of me.  It's embarrassing (but I give myself grace). 

I don't need compassionate empathy (although it is appreciated).  Right now I literally need people willing to let me tell me story so I can feel validation, so I can hear more than, "What you experienced is awful".  I need, ok, I hear what you are saying, and what you are trying to say, let's work together to frame the words so they make you feel empowered. 

I'm not sure that makes sense...I'm so exhausted by saying the same thing over and over again and not being heard.  I'm literally losing the few friends I have over meaningless misunderstandings, and I don't get it.  I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels 

*crisis - to my point of needing help with the language, how do I explain that what I'm experiencing isn't PTSD (re-living a past trauma) but currently in the midst of what is ongoing current happening right now, living it in this minute Trauma? 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Eireanne

Here you can tell your story! Start a journal and go for it.

Here, we understand that it's mostly not post-traumatic anything we're dealing with, it's mostly ongoing. The original stuff might have ended but till there's more healing going on, there's going to be ongoing trauma in some other form, some other relationship... Mostly anyway. Maybe not for all of us, but for lots of us. Certainly for me.

[Eireanne]

Thank you Blueberry...is there a section where I can post what I'm trying to say and someone can help me with the words?

[Blueberry]

Not as such, but you could start a Journal https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0 and write that you're looking for suggestions or guidance on word usage.

Or you could start writing and see if the words start to come?

I can understand wanting to find the words right away, but the thing is recovery from cptsd doesn't happen overnight... Unfortunately. Finding your own words could be part of recovery.

There are resources on this site eg. https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads
and then directly on the forum: General Resources and Country Specific Resources

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome, Eireanne.   

[Eireanne]

Thank you for the warm welcome @Not Alone

@Blueberry, thank you for the suggestion, the words never come.  I always get tripped up on what I'm trying to say, and my voice shakes when I need to advocate for myself, which mostly causes the listener to be too focused on how I'm saying a thing and not what I'm saying. If I sounded like I knew what I was talking about and kept framing it as a medical need/disability instead of breaking down and using feeling words, it would give more credence (?) to what I was saying.  It's not "right away" it's just the way I'm wired. 

I also understand that here I don't need to worry about words, but I need to explain to doctors, HR, colleagues, that what I'm experiencing isn't in the past, it's now.  I have been saying, "I am in crisis" and they respond, "are you suicidal?" and I say no, then I don't get the help/accommodations I need.  My symptoms get triggered and I have this desperate need to be heard and I can't express to them what is happening.  They think I'm having a temper tantrum.  I need the words to explain to them what is happening is not in my control, and being triggered by interactions with an abusive individual at work, only I can't say abusive.  I don't know WHAT to say, but I'm working on it...and running out of time, which is triggering feelings of panic. 

[Kizzie]

Eireann, I just had this same conversation in my group therapy for CPTSD.  We had a homework assignment about what life was like as a child and here's part of what I wrote:

Between my mother's narcissistic PD and my father's alcoholism it was an emotionally abusive relationship right from birth into adulthood, so it has never really been "post" traumatic.

The therapist asked me what I preferred instead of the term CPTSD and I said "complex relational trauma response" because it does not tie our trauma to the past which is misleading and gets rid of the word "disorder" which is stigmatizing and pathologizing. It tells those we are talking to that it is interpersonal trauma (abuse/neglect) and that we are responding to it now, not just in the past. She asked if she could use the term.

FYI there is a blog article titled "ICD-11 Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Language Matters"  wrote in 2022 that may be of interest to you. It's here (you have to scroll down past the index to it) https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/2022/5/10/icd-11-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-language-matters.

As BB suggested there are some fact sheets here you could take to appointments with GPs and such - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads. 

It's not great that we have to educate the professionals and others in our lives but that's where things are at right now unfortunately.  Now that CPTSD is in the WHO's ICD and it looks like it will be included in the APA's DSM (both are diagnostic manuals mental health and medical professional use), I think/hope change will come more quickly. 

[Eireanne]

So through this website and your kind help, I've discovered the crisis I have been experiencing is called Amygdala Hijacking - I use it now on a daily basis, as I tend to alternate between hypervigilance and having a trauma response that leads to what I'm just going to call AH.  The more words I have to articulate what is happening the more empowered I feel.  Thank you.

[Kizzie]

       

[Mandox]

Hello,

I just wanted to let you know that I hear you.  I am also long suffering, confused, exhausted and terrified.  I wonder for myself if it might be helpful to write things down more... I'm dyslexic and find writing words difficult (I'm also wondering if this isn't a symptom of or exacerbated by my CPTSD) but anyway, I also have big avoidance issues!  You sound articulate and seem to have a good understanding somewhere of what you would like for yourself.   I don't do it, but think it would be helpful to prepare on paper some thoughts before I approach someone, to get some clarity and try to squeeze out any ptsd related unhelpful tone or language.  Maybe we could trust our instincts more and say what we need, even if we know it's child talking.  It's so hard.  I've just told my husband that he needs to support me more if he wants us to go forward.  I know it's not really his responsibility, and I feel shame and guilt asking but that's where I am.  I'm at the stage where I would rather be alone than try to continue managing on my own. Giving up is feeling the better option at the moment.