Path of Less Resistance

[Phoebes]

I'm starting this recovery journal now, because I feel like I've begun to round a corner with recovery and healing finally. Stuff comes up daily of course, but I'm starting to be able to see and more importantly feel it differently, which is a pleasant surprise!

Recently when I came back here, I was at a very low point. Just a very viscerally low point and overwhelmed. I think it was one of those moments that allowed for transformation but I almost didn't stick with it. I started watching lots of videos trying to figure it out. I think a shift happened when I happened upon some videos about near death experiences. More like people who died for a bit and came back. The take away was not oh wow you could die live life to the fullest. But it started giving me a different perspective on spirituality, dropping any sort of fear about death, as well as realizing my abusers souls' journey is in its own place like mine is, it's hard to explain but maybe I released the thought of what happened to me and why it happened, to thinking of it all more from an energetic standpoint and just how important it is for me as my own person to release that which brought me to such a dire point. If I'm going to be here I want to be at peace, be my true self....

[Armee]

just how important it is for me as my own person to release that which brought me to such a dire point. If I'm going to be here I want to be at peace, be my true self....

This is so very awesome and I am so happy you are feeling these glimmers of feeling different and able to release some old stuff. It sounds a lot like what Papa Coco is feeling too. I'm so happy to see fellow forum members finding their way to feeling better. The rough days do still exist and sneak up in major ways sometimes but I find when I pull myself up out of those moments it has been getting easier and easier to find my way back to feeling good once I'm out of the hole.

[Phoebes]

One platitude that has always been so cringe to me is "let it go." This isn't that. It's hard to explain but for instance, throughout my day I usually feel a lot of internal responses. There are reminders and triggers everywhere, which I'm sure all of you understand the feeling. When something comes up for me, a thought, feeling, reminders (I'm trying not to refer to everything as a trigger), I've been quickly identifying where it is in my body, noticing the feeling, feeling it and naming it (I'm pretty sure this is a dbt thing but I guess I have to learn everything the long and hard way before it sinks in.)

If it's related to an abusive thing that happened by a person directly, I can remind myself that I didn't deserve that, they were unconscious as they still are apparently, and somehow release the power it previously had. One by one.

If it's a behavior of mine, a cptsd symptom or codependent type thought to pattern that I notice within myself, I basically do the same thing. I can spot why I think and feel that way but then I remind myself it's not my fault but that is an unconscious way of thinking that does not match the energy I want. It does not match truths, reality or consciousness, so I need to release that feeling in pattern in that moment.

I think the combination of these shifts and energy and reminders, and releasing the resistance felt in the body is helping. Maybe this is something many of you are already doing or have experienced. It has given me hope that things can change. It sounds cliché but of course it's myself that can change not the people around me.

[Phoebes]

Thank you Armee! I appreciate that you pinpointed that thought as important and can relate to the ups and downs. I've often shamed myself for "knowing better" when I get in low places. I think we all "know" but in a different way. You know? 

[woodsgnome]

Very keen observations, Phoebes -- may this new pattern continue for you. It shows a willingness to actually turn the corner, not just know it's there. I've always found that hard; talk is easy and cheap, and then it seems like the swinging bridge scares me back to the safe point again.

I've also found an old dream recurring of late that might relate to the willingness to change. In the dream I'm stuck in my old childhood home, which appears in the dream a little worse off than it probably was. Yes, it was old and worn, but given my memories there it seemed to me as spooky and haunted, worse than in an old horror story.

Doesn't matter -- in my dream, I finally dare to open a creaky door leading to an upper area, but appearing too scary to at first risk opening the door. Finally I'm desperate, though, and I slowly open the heavy, creaky door and ... find it leads to a luxurious, peaceful space. Instead of dust and mold and creepy people, there's only an entire new space, open to the sky and with people who I can tell are much safer than those below.

Okay, lots of nuance and other parts to the dream. My point isn't so much about that as about how surprising a twist to my 'normal' state of affairs (grief, despair, self-hatred, doubt, etc.) that dream touched on, and the revelation of an entire new land, transcending the old musty tale, which is still present the  back of my mind, but diminished in its importance.

Back to the main element -- surprise! Being open to surprise is what the dream seemed to be screaming. Since then, I'd love to say I'm totally transformed. Not the case -- no great conclusive turning point but cue up a willingness to be surprised. Like opening that door in the dream, I've been able to adjust my viewpoint from the old rundown house below to the open-sky version of my life above. More like a transcendence, where the memories may still float in and out, but the new space has opened new panoramas of hope.

Wishing all the best for your explorations into accepting the view around the next corner, Phoebes. And too, hard as it may seem at first, releasing the resistance to accepting your transition to reclaim the real you.

[Phoebes]

That is really interesting woodsgnome. Sorry for the delay in answering you.. I can relate to that recurring "feeling " i've old themes happening in dreams. It's really nice when a revelation happens in a dream or something that pleasantly surprises you. There's so many mysteries unlocked was in the mind which I'm starting to grasp is also the universe. Or at least in my understanding. I love the idea of 'panoramas of hope'. Thank you for sharing that.

[Phoebes]

Well of course life takes many twists and turns. Since the last time I was on my dog had an emergency and fortunately is on the path to recovery with a nerve disorder along with arthritis. In the midst of assisting his limp and dizzy body I injured myself really badly and was incapacitated. I had gone directly out of town to my sisters because I live up a flight of stairs and there was no way I was going to be able to get him up there. But she was not in town.

Anyway all of that is normal stuff. But some distressing things happened like the people I thought were friends seemed annoyed and off put by my struggle like I felt like they thought I was needy. Like right when I needed my friends for once they were like get well soon. This just sort of shows how right I am to never need, right?

The nearby vet at my sisters who I have used before refused to fill his prescription without me bringing him in. My sister was out of town and I was there by myself I explained it all to them that I cannot get him in the car that I myself am injured and he is in need. They would not help even though he had just seen the vet the day before. It was all like a cluster of messed up situation.

Then when my sister came back I just felt like I was in the way and she was annoyed. She even said what she thought she would be doing is cleaning the house but she can't get anything done with me there. I told her don't mind me I even cooked and clean the dishes with a bad back several times. I will probably write more on this in a minute because it's really bad. It's like the final "good "dynamic in my family I have left is not really a good dynamic.

This is where am ICPTSD and my attachment style stuff comes into play. I don't have anybody in real life. I can't go home. I don't have a home. The people I consider the closest and who would be the most helpful  are not there.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry nobody seems to be helping. It's pretty much always tough when our furbabies are involved. I really don't get what's going on with your friend who's a vet, in your other post. Wishing you some clarity on that. Hope writing all this out has helped you in some way. Get well to you and as much as possible to your elderly dog.

[Phoebes]

Thank you blueberry. I appreciate your support so much.