I'm new to OOTS

[SteveM]

Where am I today; here writing to a bunch of humans Ive never met and don't know a single person on this site, that said, I know what its like to suffer/heal/suffer/heal with and from unimaginable acts done to me by others decades ago. I woke a couple of mornings ago with that "lost" feeling and definitely out of body. I know one of the ways i can come back to ground is to walk , so i did. I went on a 5 mile wander down a dirt road near my house and then a couple miles on the RR tracks, something calming about walking in a straight line and looking at steel and rocks and RR ties, it takes what it takes. I spent a lot of time walking those tracks during Covid as my CPSTD was full on with the way the US leaders handled the situation, just felt powerless! 

I found this site the other day as i was looking for like recovering people, i am a 12-step person with a lot of decades in those rooms , mostly live but   now a lot more zoom meetings.

My early childhood was one of awful abuse of all kinds with a mother that denied it and when I went to her for help and an absent father. I'm looking for any live meetings you may have available.
Thank You
Steve M

[NarcKiddo]

Hi Steve, and welcome.

I see you have found the thread about the Zoom trial group. I know Kizzie has a lot on her plate right now but she is usually pretty quick to respond to posts. I suggest you give it a few days and then send a private message if she has not responded. I know the group has not started yet but I do not know if it is fully subscribed.

[Armee]

Hi Steve, I'm glad you found this site and hope it becomes useful to you.

I've been on it for a couple or few years now and it's been one of the most helpful parts of my recovery.

The abuse you suffered - including the denial of it by your mom - does damage and it takes us decades to start to be able to even begin to see what happened and the toll it took. I too have those days and weeks where you wake and are cloaked in unrealness. I like to walk too when that happens.

The live zoom group is on pause right now. One thing you'll see here is support for taking care of yourself first and prioritizing your own recovery, since many of us have been groomed as caretakers. So even though it is disappointing to not have a live group yet, Kizzie is leading us by example to make sure she takes care of herself when that is what is needed. Other ways this shows up on the forum is the freedom to come and go guilt free. Many members take pronged breaks when we need it, or spend time just focusing on your own recovery without feeling the need to take care of everyone else first.

Welcome, and I look forward to getting to know you here.

[Blueberry]

Hi again Steve,

As Armee says, the live group is on hold. But there is a lot of understanding and support to be found within the posts so to speak.

Denial of abuse by FOO is an awful thing. I'm sorry it's part of your suffering.

[Papa Coco]

Hi SteveM,

Welcome to the forum. I found it a year and a half ago and it's been a great source of comfort for me. I used to believe I was the only person alive who felt the trauma-induced things I feel. And now I have found support with the like-minded with absolutely every uncomfortable reaction to life that I have described here. We're birds of a feather. As human beings, we're designed to be connected to one another. Feeling the loneliness associated with C-PTSD does the most damage to me. It's a sense of community and comradery that now helps me get through my C-PTSD flashbacks.

My greatest frustration is that feeling you described about suffer/heal/suffer/heal. I sometimes drive myself crazy in search of a cure. I keep thinking I've found it. A few weeks later I'm right back into the depression and anxiety and sense of loneliness. I come to the forum with my disappointment, and I'm comforted by the members who know what it feels like to be right back where I am again. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who feels what I feel. The friends I've made here remind me over and again that it's okay to strive for gentle improvement, or even just reassuring comfort, rather than quick perfection.

I resonate with your need to walk. I am 62 years old, and have used walking to stay sane for almost my entire life. Sadly my knees are giving out on me now and walking is no longer working for me, but the timing is good because the world has invented electrically assisted bicycles. I bought one a few years ago and now, no matter how painful my knees are on some days, I can ride my bike down the trails and around the marina near my house for as long as it takes to feel grounded again.

I too am a 12 stepper. I quit drinking 9 years ago. And I'm also on Kizzie's list of people who want to participate in the Zoom group.

I look forward to interacting more with you. I'm glad you found the forum. I hope it brings you comfort and a place to connect with others in a safe and welcoming way, as it has done for me.

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome, SteveM. 

[SteveM]

Thank you all for the warm welcome, feels good!
This type of dialogue is just what I've been looking for, and a place where I can use appropriate language to describe the sometimes madness of CPSTD, that most other humans would not understand.
Big day for me I got back on my Peloton,  after many months or not riding! I also had a zoom session with my therapist that focuses on clients recovering from trauma. It was a productive hour as we are starting to look at why I use food to......... fill in the blank.

Feeling like I'm not making sense so I'm going to stop now.
Thank you all for listening.
Steve

[Armee]

I'm glad it feels good and everything you wrote made perfect sense. And makes me think about how I would fill in that statement about food and surprise its the same as why I use just about any defense!

[SteveM]

Papa CoCo,
We really have a lot in common, I had both knees replaced at age 59 and now ,13 years later, i'm still going strong on them! Ive been considering an electric bike , seems like a lot of fun!

Yesterday I woke with that feeling of needing a new adventure and after a bit of quiet time I  figured out how  to get to my daughters new house, which is 8 miles by car, by mostly walking active and abandoned RR Tracks. It is about 12,500 steps and about 2 hrs 20 at a steady pace. The  was a lot of fun, i walked through places I've never been before just a few mies from my house, i felt like a kid again and not the kid that was constantly hiding and fearful that kid part of me that sought adventure and new things! The tracks seem to be my place lately for safety and solace to make sense of the day and all the feelings I have on a daily basis.
12 step is the platform that I stand on for everything, my spiritual awareness and practices, the way I conduct myself day to day,  the way I give back to others around me and far away, and the simple guidelines to stay humble and admit when Im wrong and when i don't know. I am wrong frequently but remain open to learning how to do life better on a daily basis.

My Best
Steve M

[Papa Coco]

Wow SteveM

Your long walk along the railroad bed sounds amazing. Peaceful. Spiritual. And to be able to explore, in a new way, the grounds you've lived on for years sounds like a lot of fun too.

I can see a lot of similarities in our stories also. As far as the knees go, I don't qualify yet for replacements. It's good to hear that you've had success with them. It helps me to not be too afraid of the surgery if I ever get that far. I'm told I'm at level 1 in one knee and level 2 in the other. I think they want me at level 3 or 4 before the insurance companies will allow doctors to discuss replacements. A year ago, I got PRP Injections in both knees which brought me from pain level 9 to about 3. For now, I'm using Advil, infrared heat, various off the shelf ointments and bath salts to maintain a level of pain that I can deal with.

I can't walk fast anymore. I've always walked 5 mph. No one could ever keep up with me. But now I can barely maintain 3 mph and not for more than 2,000 steps a day. I'm 62, almost 63, and I don't know if knee replacements are in my future or not. These PRP injections have given a lot of relief with no recovery time. I hobbled with my cane into the drs office one morning and danced out a half hour later. No recovery time. But the injections are temporary. I'm told 18 months is all I'll get out of them.

ANYWAY, my walks were my meditation. I walked at 5 mph for no less than an hour a day from age 20 to age 60. The walks kept me sane for 40 years. Then the arthritis became too painful and I stopped walking altogether. The electric bikes give me that same joy, but I've lost my desire to ride during cold and wet weather. Here in Seattle, it's been in the 30s and 40s since October of last year, so I haven't been riding in a very long time.

I began buying eBikes at the time of my retirement. I bought one for myself and one for my wife. Pedal assisted Trek bikes. They're amazing.  We have a cabin on the beach also, so I bought two RAD fat tired bikes so we can now ride on the beach without sinking into the sand. Then I picked up two small Costco eBikes so our two grandsons, ages 9 and 11, can go eBiking with us when we're at the beach. I got a trailer to tow behind my bike so I can use it for grocery shopping.  They're fun. I can pedal when I feel strong, or cruise on throttle when my knees hurt too much.

I got my big-boy job in 1978, a few weeks after my 18th birthday. I worked in the world's largest building for the next 42 years and was forcibly retired (laid off) during COVID at age 60. During those 42 years I got a lot of walking in. At the time of my departure, it was a full mile from my parking space to my desk. So just getting to and from work each day gave me 2 miles of walking. Walking gave me exercise, peace and a sense of safety.

I'm an extremely social person. In the 1990s I was a corporate instructor who used humor to help keep students engaged. I had gotten comfortable enough with my ability to entertain engineers that I then began performing amateur standup comedy in some Seattle clubs the evenings after work. I love, love, love making people laugh and smile. (I've recently realized it's the only thing I love about myself...that I can make others feel good). But at the same time, I've lived in the extreme loneliness that reminds me of the Robin Williams story. It's a little bit of Imposter Syndrome. I keep thinking others can't tell how lonely I am if I keep making them laugh. Or maybe it's simple trust issues. Laughing with friends one minute, hiding and isolating the next. Wanting friends and then needing to be alone for long periods between. That speaks to the trust issues I got by being repeatedly betrayed by my own family. The people who loved me the most did the most terrible things to me. So I've lived a life of wanting to be loved, but fearing that very same love, and needing to be alone to be safe from the hazards of the love I want. Walking, and now bike riding, lets me be alone like I was as a 14-year-old boy trying to find a space for myself each day that no one could take away from me out of meanness. At 14, my bike rides got me out of the house, away from my family's constant judgements and inconsistent complaints about how I walk or talk or eat or think. For an hour or so a day I was free and safe. I was just me being me where no one could see me or lie to me, or lie about me, as family always did. Those rides are a good memory. So reviving them now is a good feeling.

And 12 steps. Yup. They are usable in far more ways than just AA meetings. I try to maintain my anxiety levels by using the serenity prayer to keep from being too anxious about stuff I have NO control over. It's the best thing I know of for keeping perspective. Also, surviving my chronic depression and anxiety is easiest when I try to just live "one day at a time." I worry too much about the future. Reminding myself that I only have to survive today, and let tomorrow be its own day, helps me focus on surviving it at all. AA: It's not just for drinkers. It helps with survival through all sorts of life's insurmountable issues.

I'm rambling. I woke up at 2 am and can't fall back asleep. Dang. I slept so good last night, I was really hoping tonight would be as good. But nope. I'm up with the racoons and other nocturnal animals just trying to kill time before sunrise.

I look forward to more interactions with you. Sounds like we have a lot in common.

[SteveM]

Thank you all for the navigation tips.
Someone mentioned they hang out in the Recovery Journal area, where is that or what is it?

PC you sure have a lot of energy at 2 AM , if you had that kind of energy then you must be a hoot on stage!

[Papa Coco]

Hi Steve

The Recovery Journals are about in the very center of all the various thread choices, under the heading of Treatments & Self Help. Once you're in that block, Recovery Journals is about the 4th topic in. 

Steve, I have more to say about your post, around my own energy levels and my wide pendulum swing between feeling very happy or very depressed, with little time ever spent between. But I'm in a bit of a funk, and I need a little time to work on my response so that it makes sense. I promise I'll address it as soon as I feel like I won't write gibberish. I just got up (I took a couple of CBD Gummies last night, which seemed to help me get 7 hours with only 2 pee breaks). I've got some chores to do this morning with my son, so later today I'll try to respond with coherence to the comments about energy levels and my active sense of humor. My daily battle with love for others vs self-hatred, and happiness vs depression would be a great topic for my Recovery Journal today. But if I don't clear my head first, it'll just be 10,000 ranting words of confusing gibberish.

So, like the TV News says, "Tune in later for the details." 

[SteveM]

Thanks PC
Don't put pressure o yourself, I've for all the time in the world