Why do I keep doing things that don't work

[ShowJumper]

Does anyone have similar experiences or insight into this problem.

I suffer from C-PTSD and Generalized Anxiety.  There are times at which I find myself repeating the same negative behavior that I cannot seem to change.  There are things that I do that I know I should not be doing.  These are things like: 1) my wife will make some very reasonable request of me - like don't drive so fast on this mountain pass while pulling a trailer.  I may slow down for a few minutes, but then I start going fast again.  2) my wife might ask me something like please don't run the dishwasher while we're watching TV.  A very reasonable request.  Then at some future time I might forget about it, or 3) my wife may ask me to do/or not do something.  And later I would swear that I heard her say something different.  This are just examples, but they really drive a wedge between us.  These things also cause problems at home, because I'm very accomplished at work.  And at work, I never have to 2nd guess myself our doubt that I am up to a task.


I want to change what I'm doing, but I am very frustrated because I can't seem to change.  I wonder if this is "self-sabotage", a mental block, some deep trauma that I received as a child?   

Just when I think that I am on top of these things - I do one of them again.  This is so frustrating.

[Kizzie]

Hi WIngman - Forgive me for turning this back to you but you know yourself and your wife best and I wonder if you have any ideas as to why you might do these things? Sometimes just throwing out a few ideas can lead to uncovering the issue (if any) behind certain behaviours.

My only thought as I read your post was maybe you have a youngster part that wants to do what he wants to do and not have to take others into account?  Maybe it's making up for lost time in your childhood when you weren't allowed to do certain things and/or had to put others first?

[pianogirl]

Hi Wingman!

I wonder if you do these things out of sheer tiredness.  I am very organized and capable at work, but I am very chaotic and forgetful when I get home.  It's like I need to turn off that more "competent" part of me.

[Kizzie]

That's what I like about here - there's often some good suggestions to help us figure things out which we can take or leave according to whether they resonate or not.   

[NarcKiddo]

All the examples you give are something to do with a request by your wife.

I also get the impression that the problems are exclusively domestic issues since you say that you have no problems at work.

Some else has suggested you may be switching off at home because you are tired (or relaxed, or don't want to have to think about things?). That sounds very possible to me. I also wonder whether you have considered the source of the C-PTSD and Anxiety in connection with this problem. Has that to do with domestic issues? Did you have to remain alert to the moods of an adult such that you couldn't really deal with domestic tasks (and maybe got in trouble for failing to perform the tasks?) Could you be seeking reassurance that your wife will not berate/beat/punish you if that is what happened to you as a child? In other words, perhaps seeking reassurance that your wife loves you even if you behave in an irresponsible/child-like way?

I'm just throwing ideas out, obviously, but based on what my therapist tells me. Which is to think about my feelings/behaviours and try to work out what is really causing them. I might say to her, for example, that I enjoy doing colouring books but feel a need to do it only when my husband is out of the house. For sure we could work on CBT type methods so I feel braver about owning up to liking colouring books, but what if I then take up another interest I want to hide? I found it far better to realise that my mother wanted to be involved in all activities of mine, and would then interfere/tell me what colours to use etc etc. Nothing was mine. Then I could experiment with doing colouring when my husband was at home and discover for myself that he does not march in and take over my colouring session. Truly realising he is not my mother and will not do to me what she did has been very helpful. My adult, logical brain of course knew he is not my mother but my inner child's emotional brain still feared the outcome she had been conditioned to expect.