If I’m being honest

[Phoebes]

If I'm being honest, I've never been able to make anything happen in my life. It's concerning when I hear this is a narcissistic trait, but I think it's also a C PTSD trait. Whether it's perfectionism, frozenness, Disassociation, depression, anxiety, a mixture of all of the above on a perpetual loop. The times I get excited or a fresh start or fewer and further between. I struggle to find what others who make things happen have that I don't have.

From a very early age the thing that I love is art. I got positive feedback at school and from people except for at home. Where I got to be rated and belittled and told to get my head out of my *ss If I think I'm going to be an artist. My College interview got sabotaged. Regardless I went to art school and crumbled. I couldn't do it. Still I struggled for years to even start to create after that. Even so I became an artist and had some success even becoming full-time for a little while. I went back to work and it dropped off again.

I've always had a house full of art supplies, a big easel with canvases all around me. Supplies from different mediums that I enjoy a big art desk, natural light and big lamps. A good space to create. Woken up many weekends with the intention of busting it out and getting into my art.

People talk about van Gogh, his mental illness and how it drove his creativity. How he committed S. But look at all the wonderful art he created. How depression and pain drives art sometimes. That has never happened for me. I feel completely frozen. The longer I go unable to express myself the less I can express myself. It makes perfect sense.

I had so much to Xpress early on so many creative ideas and things I wanted to do. But when the time came I froze. I know it's in my head and it's a matter of mindset now. I could change I could make it happen now. That's my intention but I'm finding it is very very difficult. I'm surrounded by artists and musicians in my life. People who, in the time I've been trying to start, Have been born and made successful creative careers for themselves.

I know it's wrong to compare cells to others, and we have to allow our journey to unfold and go through the process of learning and growing. I know it's not too late for me as I am still alive. I know all of these things on paper, but I feel I've been trapped in a body and in a mind in this life that can't get out.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry that all that criticism was hurled at you at home.

I understand physically not being able to do it...same thing happens to me, too. For me it's like there a magnetic repulsion. An aversion. I'm trying music therapy right now, just started, to see if that helps.

No shame in what happened at art school. Artists don't need to graduate from art school. I'm assuming they make it a bit overintense and we need things less intense. Complex PTSD is already too much, to pile more harshness on top of.

One day you'll be able to create again. I wonder what would happen if you limited yourself just to kid supplies at first? Like fingerpaint and jumbo crayons?

[Kizzie]

I'm with Armee, what about starting back by just having some fun Phoebes?  There is such a sense of pressure in your post I can well imagine you are frozen.  Maybe see if you can dial all that way back and just do art for art's sake?   Just my thoughts, no worries if it's not something that appeals to you in any way.   

[Phoebes]

Thanks you guys. Yeah, I've even been just trying to play around and not fuss with finishing, just play and have fun..even that is hard to start. There has been a lot of difficult and pressure  surrounding art, and even just self-expression.

I like the idea of playing with kids stuff. I have stuff here I can play with as a child would. I know this is all in my head but also my nervous system!... Thank you for your support. I'll see what I can get going.

[Kizzie]

Yes, let younger you come out and dabble away.  I mean you wouldn't criticize any child I'm sure so perhaps you can give some encouragement/praise to yourself?  Easy for me to say I know but worth a try maybe?

[Armee]

Oh its definitely in the nervous system, and it isn't easy at all! It feels like a threat to safety in my case. I went to my first music therapy session last week, hoping I can work thru nerves enough to stick with lessons eventually. I dabble in multiple instruments but all I would manage with significant distress was tapping a simple straight beat quietly on a little hand drum. I'm with you here. I know it is hard. I know I didn't want to make any sound whatsoever, let alone express myself. I like Kizzies idea of treating yourself like you would a kindergarten child. Only praise. Even if you don't make anything "wow that was really brave of you (it was!!!) to pick up a paint brush. I know how scary that can be. It's OK that you didn't put any paint on the paper today. Maybe next time you'll feel more comfortable and can just gently touch it to the paper, or maybe not. Just coming and trying is enough for now." You deserve to get back what you love.

[Phoebes]

You both make really good points. I would not want a child to shut down, so I should treat my inner child in ways that would encourage and foster..until I can!

[Phoebes]

Hey Armee, I also wanted to say that I really admire your putting yourself out there in your drumming group. Talk about something that is directly correlated with your nervous system! What a wonderful practice to be able to engage in that and it be FUN and also a tool for healing. That's great that you've been able to push through the fear of wanting to be silent. I really get that.

[Armee]

Hah thanks and it is definitely not a drumming group. It's a mental health professional who is a music therapist. One on one. And I am scared and shaky and feel horrible just barely tapping a drum. Just letting you know you are not alone. At times I have loved music and played hours and hours, other times I want absolutely nothing to do with it for years, and other times it's like it's a whole other person who likes music and knows how to play. That's not me.