Blue's blues

[blue_sky]

Happy tears rolling down my eyes as I read the comments. I feel so lucky to have found OOTS and you angels 

I completed my assignment which is a huge relief for now. Yesterday mum was on a video call with my aunts and I was happy to see them and talk to them as well. But after sometime mum went to her room and I could hear siblings fumbled voice. A voice that so clearly has resided in the core brain that never forgets. I tried to increase the volume of my tv to drown out The Voice but it felt like I could just hear him, like he was right here right now.

I kept trying to continue my colouring and focus on the colours but ugh I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I keep thinking I feel so strong until his face or voice or thoughts or memories pop up. Why does he hold so much power over me? Even after so many years and so much energy and work I've put onto making myself stronger?

Group hugs to all of you  Thank you so so much for reading and understanding and having my back ♥️

[Armee]

I'm so happy we can all be a support for you right now. It is NOT your fault that reminders of him are triggers. That is not because you are weak or haven't worked hard enough to heal. I don't think there is enough healing that could be done where that won't be a trigger because our brains are meant to protect us and reminders of him set off all the alarms. That's how it is supposed to work and it is working. Your brain is doing What it is supposed to.

I'm pretty angry your mom would have a conversation with him where you could hear his voice in your house. Can your husband talk to her over the phone and tell her to leave the house to talk to B? You deserve to not be overtly triggered in the safety of your home.

 

[NarcKiddo]

That's terrible, blue. Armee is right that your brain is doing exactly what it should. This is not a flashback (at least I don't think it is) - this is full on protection mode. It is one thing to work on being stronger to deal with EFs. Quite another to expect yourself to somehow cope with any element of his presence when you have done so much and worked so hard to escape him. It is just awful that you should be subjected to this experience. I totally agree with the suggestion that your mother go out of your home to speak to him. Or at the very least she goes into a room by herself, closes the door and USES HEADPHONES.

 

[Blueberry]

 

The words in my head rn are "ongoing trauma".

I'm sending special safety barriers that shield you from all directions from whatever is going on in your home.   

[blue_sky]

Had another nightmare. Third night in a row. I wonder if me listening to True Crime Podcast has something to do with it? But i love the podcast.

[Trigger warning: SA]

Saw sibling's face and whole body in nightmare. He was just done with me and I had to run away from there. My body felt disgusting (you know when something is so smelly and dirty that instead of cleaning it, we have to burn it?) that's how I was feeling. I hurriedly tried to put my clothes on when he realised that I was trying to run away. I had to run with undie and pants only on one leg. I somehow screamed "help!" twice and someone called the police while I hid in their house. He got caught, my FOO were there, he had no remorse in his face. FOO were in shock. The police asked me what time the assault started (thinking it was a one time thing) and I said something like "Since I was 5". Shock and horror in everyone's faces around.

[End TW]

Anyway.. Does it count as a nightmare if the ending wasn't too bad? I dont know. I just know and feel this disgust and pain that I woke up with and will have to carry around today. 

[Armee]

Yes dear that counts as a nightmare and I bet it had more to do with being triggered by your perpetrator's photo and voice recently than the podcast. I'm so sorry you had the nightmare. There are things your brain wants you to look at and deal with slowly to start healing but it is awful to deal with.

I do know that dirty feeling. No amount of cleaning can take it away because it isn't yours. That beyond cleanbility dirty feeling belongs to your perpetrator(s). Since you were 5. A 5 year old is very very young. It can never ever be a 5 year old's fault. 

Set whatever boundaries you need to get those triggers out of your house. You have that right.

[NarcKiddo]

Dearest blue, it counts as a nightmare. I am only sorry that so much of it has also been your reality.

 

[blue_sky]

Blue feels blue yet again 

Partner is back after visiting his FOO. He got back so much goodies for me. I should be happy.
I have a new full time job aligned and that means my monthly salary will be steady yet again. I should be happy.
My assignment for uni is done, now all I have is an exam to pass and I will check another unit off my list. I should be happy.
I have holiday in Japan planned during Easter. I should be happy.

Then what causes this blue-ness? I can't even name the emotion anymore.

I feel so exhausted, my body just wants to go to sleep all the time. SI and SH thoughts feel like a light switch, I never know when it will just switch on/off.

[NarcKiddo]

 

"Should" is not usually an encouraging word. I sometimes find that I actually do feel happy about some big things I "should" feel happy about, but I beat myself up for not feeling happy enough. I am also not someone who displays emotions easily, and then in the case of something like gifts where I must display pleasure I find that putting on the act of showing pleasure means the actual pleasure I feel sort of gets lost.

I am happy to read that good things are happening. Congratulations on the new job.  Things like a new job and a completed assignment, but with an exam still to go, and even a holiday, carry stress as well as pleasure and a sense of achievement or anticipation. There is nothing wrong with having mixed feelings even about things you want.

I am guessing your M is still there? That won't be helping but I am really glad your partner is back since he seems to be very good about protecting you and trying to make sure your M does not cause too much stress.

I am not surprised you feel exhausted and down. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

[blue_sky]

Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview

Couple of months ago when my current employer decided that everyone's work hours would be reduced to 3 days a week, I was devastated. I felt personally attacked as if I wasn't a good enough employee; even though the reduced hours were for everybody. 2 people were even made redundant. I remember coming home and crying so much.

After a few days I gathered myself together and started applying to jobs in Psychology as I didn't want to return to the previous field. Since I'm still a student, there weren't many vacancies but I was still hopeful. One by one I got rejection letters and every time my heart broke a little.

Frustrated and financially driven, I thought I have to keep applying in my current field as well because my company might be bankrupt any day. I applied for a junior position because that was the only vacancy at the time and within 2 hours I got a call and they wanted me to come for an interview. And just like that, within a week I had signed the contract even though it was less pay.

Another company (where my best friend works) started calling me about a position that had become available and wanted me to join. I declined twice since I had already signed the contract for the junior position but when they called me the 3rd time, I decided to go for a chat.

One of the questions they asked out of curiosity was "why Psychology? what drove you towards studying it?" and without even thinking I answered, "Well I was a CSA victim in my home country and after coming here and finding help and meeting so many psychologists and professionals, I started feeling like this is what I want to do in future and will be my way to give back."
All three ladies in the room were staring at me and then one of them said "It's so brave of you to talk about this so openly."

Only then it had occurred to me that OMG  I just told my backstory at an interview without even feeling anything. It just came so naturally and there was no shame or guilt or tears. And my T told me that this is a huge step in my healing journey  Anyway, I got offered much better position, more salary and the office and amenities are much better too.

The work will be significantly more stressful as this place is more commercial and churns much more work, but I guess I'd rather do something I don't like for more money until I find a job I like that might pay me less.

[Blueberry]

     HUGE step! Congrats on new job and better pay!

[NarcKiddo]

Fantastic news! 

[Armee]

This makes me cry in a good way. Way to go Blue Sky! 

[Papa Coco]

WOW Blue Sky,

What a great story!  I'm feeling proud of you myself for how you answered the question, and I'm proud of your new employer for recognizing it as a positive attribute.

There are changes happening in the world today, and your story shows that some of those cultural changes are very positive!