Should I contact or wait?

[Phoebes]

Thank you blueberry. I really appreciate your sentiments. I think I'm ok with talking to her and being ok with whatever the outcome..

[Kizzie]

I read your post too Phoebes and  I can see just how much this is hurting and confusing and that you don't know what to do (or not do as the case may be).  She is your bestie and the thought of losing her would send me into a tailspin (hypervigilance and shame and for me fear) if it were me.  I'm really sorry you're going through this. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Kizzie it's funny just hearing you say that helps so much. I still rarely think about my feelings as being hurt or having reason to be hurt.

[Phoebes]

Well I thought I would just weigh back in about my friend..the last time we went to dinner, I thought we had a great conversations, made fun plans for the near future..then the next day I got a text saying things needed to change, and that she had "tried to help me for a while now." Huh? I'm not the type that asks or wants help..the only thing I can think of is I have continued to have some Covid symptoms and have somewhat felt the need to "explain" since we normally do activities that I haven't been able to do lately.

Anyhoo, after the text I was going back and forth over if I had anything to apologize for, if we could talk and work out our "differences", and what I've landed on is that *? I think I've been a bit over explain-y, overly concerned, and she has become annoyed with any amount of my sharing my struggles about it. If I hadn't explained, would it not be strange I wasn't doing the normal activities we do? I don't know. I just think a true friend might actually be concerned or empathic about long Covid,. She is more the disbelieving or non understanding type I guess. Clearly I am annoying to her which brings to mind the old adage that once you feel you've annoyed someone, never disturb the, again.

[Kizzie]

Well that sounds like it was a surprise.  Maybe ask her how she thinks things need to change and then you'll have some idea of what she's talking about?  Or is that too awkward at this stage?

[Phoebes]

I don't know Kizzie. I guess I've been taking my time, observing how I feel..I've gone back and forth over shame, self-blame, in true cptsd fashion. Then I think, well, I don't get why it would burden HER if I am struggling...why do I always feel the need to explain? I don't think that's a new feeling. I think I've been a bit codependent in this relationship, altering and acquiescing, or, at the least, not always being my full self. So in that sense I feel responsible for getting to this point.

She has expressed about other people how she has little patience for people who stay "stuck" in a problem or in illness, and she made it clear that she think I am stuck and not doing enough about it(which I disagree with.) so, instead of feeling 100% at fault, I feel like I wouldn't want to disturb her weekend and maybe should wait until I am 100% (sarcasm). I have a side of my family that is this way. Everything is suck it up buttercup not allowed to be sick or take care of yourself. My first year of teaching I got pneumonia by pushing through when I was sick when I broke my leg I got back to work prematurely and hurt it by a kid falling up against me. I guess I've never felt a safe place so not feeling safe in that way felt normal.

I've got all of these mixed feelings about it. I hate to lose a friend, but it's also sort of a relief oddly.

[Kizzie]

That's interesting that you feel relief - kind of says it all I think.  And I like the way you are thinking when you say you're asking yourself why it would burden HER     

[Phoebes]

 

[Blueberry]

Yeah, feeling relief at this stage is certainly interesting to say the least because as you said in the previous post you had been taking your time about feeling into your emotions.   

[Phoebes]

Yeah, I am surprised by that feeling. I think it's a feeling of not having a single thing left I have to pretend about or "be good" for, or monitor myself about. I didn't realize how much I had done that until now. I was and have been really devastated about this shift in energy and spending time together. Sick in my stomach in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. But now that I've been processing it, something about letting go feels good. Relieving.

[Phoebes]

It's been about three weeks since I got a text from my friend saying things needed to change. That she had tried to help me, meaning, I hadn't received the message and applied the wisdom. I have still not responded, because whenever I think I might, I feel like why would I want to reach out to someone who I am clearly annoying. Also, I am reminded that this is not the first time she has seemed annoyed by my struggles. there are certain topics I already know she does not want to talk about or hear.

Years ago when I went no contact with my mother, I filled her in, and really only barely scratch the surface and I remember feeling like she shut And didn't really want to hear about it. So I kept much of my self healing journey to myself. There was one or two times where it came up and I talked a little about it and I could feel her discomfort and she may be even left and left me feeling like she was running from me. And I remember thinking oh yeah, I should not talk about that to her. I won't do that again.

Fast forward to know, and I get the same feeling about any mention of my long Covid symptoms, like she doesn't even believe me. Now it's as if she has "helped" me in her mind. That kind of irks me because that reads to me like she think she's more wise and like I don't know how to help myself. I feel like all I do is try to help myself and heal my cptsd as well as physical health issues many of which she doesn't even know about.

Believe me, I am my own worst critic, and if I even talk a little about these things, I am careful not to be one of those people that goes on and on about nothing but themselves and their health problems. I don't feel like I've done that, but I feel like that's how she feels if that makes any sense. By her text by her former reactions. Maybe she and I are just in two different places. Or she is very sensitive to any amount of hearing my struggles. I am here for her struggles, but she does not talk about them. She's even said one time, she doesn't see any value in talking about her problems maybe that is the way to go. The wiser choice.  I didn't listen

So anyway, I guess I'm to the point where I don't really feel like responding, and I feel like I have overly explained myself and compensated and that was sort of codependent of me. I don't do that with other friends, but I could see you were with her, I have felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to explain why I wasn't at my best and in hindsight, maybe I've lost myself a little bit in this friendship this is where my relief comes from. I feel like I can just be myself, even if it means I am all alone over here.