Invalidation

[Desert Flower]

Could it be that Invalidation is also a form of Emotional Abuse? I think it is. For instance:
https://www.learning-mind.com/emotional-invalidation-signs/
(I'm sure there's many more, and even better, sources out there, this is just the first I found).

Anyway, invalidation has been crippling to me. My m NEVER validated my feelings (or my brothers', or her own for that matter). It has been a huge issue for me. Just never being told that what you're feeling is normal. That you're entitled to these feelings, any feelings really. Especially anger and sadness. My m just always wanted for these feeling to go away as quickly as possible or for them to not even be here. Like, if we wouldn't feel them, we would be all right. But the thing is, we were NOT all right.

And this started before we could speak. Abandoning us as a baby whenever we would cry at night because we were hungry, so we would stop crying. It's just cruel if you ask me. I can't remember showing any anger. And when we were sad, telling us that whatever we were feeling wasn't such a big deal. Or getting angry at us when we were scared or when bad stuff happened that we couldn't deal with.

But mostly, we would just bury our feelings deep down because they were not supposed to be there.  And leaving us feeling there was something wrong with US because we were feeling something.

- Trigger warning -

It took me such a long time for me to recognize this as emotional abuse, because she never hit us, did she? [Other stuff did happen and I started to write about that here as well but it's too much right now so I took it out of this post.] No, but she crippled us this way anyway. It's so insiduous and messed up.

And I'm having a really hard time writing this, it feels like blaming her. (My therapist says, it's not about blaming her but about me tending to my own needs. So that's why I'm writing this.) Really, really difficult for me. I can feel my body just instantly giving me all sorts of physical signals - don't go there - dizzyness, headache, tinnitus worsening etc. But still, I feel need to go here.

The stuff that came up is overwhelming me. And I will have to actively do something to calm myself down now. I will.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I unfortunately experienced plenty of this as a child. Probably sits on the verge of emotional abuse and neglect (the neglecting of one's needs that are being conveyed by one's own emotions).

But yeah... For me, I grew up being reinforced that sadness and anger should not be experienced (but the rest of my FOO was allowed to experience it so *). I understand how crippling it must be for you because it feels the same for me. Because when I feel sad or angry, I have no idea what to do with those emotions. I either bury them and under exaggerate my situation, or lash out and over exaggerate. Learning how to manage one's emotions is a skill, and it's unfortunately a skill that was not taught to us.

I hope you're able to take it easy now, Desert Flower. This stuff can be so frustrating and uncomfortable to acknowledge, but being aware of the problem is the first step to eventually resolving it - to teach ourselves it's okay to feel emotions, and how to express them properly.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

DesertFlower, I agree with Apothic. Sounds like the direction of abandonment and emotional abuse for me too (gaslighting elements?).
I know that too well too .
For me my narcissistic dad and sis were in the focus of damaging me, as they are quite intense and cruel.
My mum was always "the sweet, self-sacrificing" one to everyone. But actually she isn't, it's all just more hidden and twisted. E.g. she cooked us a warm meal every day, brang us to our hobbies, but when it came to guiding us through emotional challenging situations, she so terribly failed! One day e.g. me and a classmate from primary school had a playdate at my place and she didn't show up. My female classmates were bullying me, so that was on purpose! What did my mum do? She called the girls parent. Another classmate was with her playing. And my mum brang me there!!!
This sounds so little, but there are so many failed elements and missed opportunities in there - protection, dealing with anger and sadness, honor, assertiveness....
This is just one very little example, but if it's piling up, we meet each other here 

[Dalloway]

Desert Flower, I´m sorry your feelings were never validated. I can relate to this because mine weren´t either. In my family there was also a habit of trying to make them go away or ignoring them completely but never validating. Never. I can´t remember a single occasion my mom would tell me "it´s okay, I know you´re angry/afraid/sad". It just wasn´t "normal" in our family. I remember the first time my therapist told me that it´s okay to be angry with my mom. I remember it well because it was the first time anyone ever told me this. It was just a few months ago.

And I feel the difficulty you´re describing, of writing about this. I also started to feel immediately that I´m unfair and blaming her for things she also brought to her family from her FOO, but as your therapist told you very well, it´s not blaming, it´s about you and finding your voice and being able to articulate your pain. And, DF, all of it is real, all of it is true and legitimate because you feel it. I hope this helps a bit. Wishing you all the best. 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Aphotic, WereAllAPartOfUniverse, and Dalloway, for being here so I could share it.
Yes, this helps. 

[lostwanderer]

Oh, Desert Flower, you are soooo not alone!  I am so sorry to hear of your experiences.  I can feel anger stirring in me for you and the things you endured (and I wonder if I could use this anger and turn it toward my own m for her lack of validation cuz I've noticed recently that I struggle to feel anger for my child self's own experiences).

In a way your share validates my own deep need for validation that I have been noticing more recently.  I have been hearing myself say to others that I don't need advice or I'm not looking for feedback but just to be heard, etc.  And I have felt guilt about being so direct and explicit.  I've even had people get mad at me for establishing that!  But I digress.....

Thank you again for sharing your process.  You're not alone and I totally resonate with you.

[rainydiary]

I feel invalidated too and often wonder if I will ever not.

[Desert Flower]

In a way your share validates my own deep need for validation that I have been noticing more recently.

I'm glad it's working out that way. Thank you Lostwanderer.

And Rainy, thank you for being here too. I hope this gives you some validation as well.

[LeonLaviu]

Hey Dessert Flower

I feel you

I didn't have feelings for a long part of my life. I couldn't even mourn the death of my father properly. I was numbed and actually very afraid of all the things that were going on inside me. I was like a robot, I knew what to do, how to do it and what I wanted. But I didn't knew why I did the things I did or why I wanted them.

Suddenly feeling things you weren't allowed to feel is a very intense experience, but I think feeling it as raw as it can be is the most direct way of transforming it.


Here are 3 things that really helped me:


1- Reading The Art Of Letting Go by David. R Hawkins.

It gives you some kind of hierarchy between emotions in order of how they vibrate. I don't really know how you can measure an emotion vibrations, but it give you a sort of guide or order to see were you are at.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY it advices you to process your emotions so you can let them go. How? there's no secret technique. Just feel what you feel. Don't think to much about it, is not important were does it come from or how the emotion is called. Most important is to feel it as bodily sensation and dive deep into it. Let the emotion tells you what to do. It might tell you to cry, it might tell you to clench your fist and hit something or scream, it might tell you to shiver. Let it happen.

Make an habit of feeling your emotiones, 10 minutes a day, 30 minutes, 1 hour. what you think is best. Is kind of a long process, some emotions might last very long and are very tiring. But if you are persistent, you'll see results.
Some day you'll realize you don't feel so intensily about things that would trigger you in the past.


2-Hypnosis

I was into hypnosis for entertainment purposes, hypnotizing my friends and my GF at the time, only to entertain their imaginations and have fun. But I figured I should get hypnotized myself, to understand it from the inside. So I went.

The therapyst asked me a lot of questions, about my family, childhood, etc. The typical questions from a therapyst. And then offered me to get some things from my subconscious mind to my consciousness (since I wasn't trying to heal something in particular)

After that I felt very uneasy and sad. The next day I had a full panic attack

The next session (I booked a new one) he told me that happens sometimes, but it happens mostly during the therapy so he can deal with it when it happens (I was so numb that it took me a full day to really feel it)

And then he told me that by the things we talked in the last session, he thought that I've been depressed from a very early age, so early that I don't even realize that is not normal to always feel the way I feel. It blew my mind. That was the first time I got conscious about it.

Navigating difficult inner emotions with the guidance of an hypno therapist could make it easier in my experience. And it gets deep faster than other therapies



3- Body Emotional Release.

It's kinda similar to letting go, but with some guidance an more people. Also it has more science to back it up

I don't remember the specifics, but science goes like this: Whenever you feel an emotion it releases a lof of chemicals into your body to make you take an action and do something about it. But when you don't do anything, then those chemicals just stay there in your body, your muscles etc. And if you often supress that emotions you start accumulating it, so you carry a lowkey uneasy feeling with you.

I went a few times, they make you do physical movements or hold difficult positions that start triggering certain emotions and they encourage you to express them as truthful as you can. Don't hold anything in. Some people would cry, some would scream, some would shiver, some would hit a very big and hard cushion they had for that purpose. Some would get in a soft surface and make a tantrum kicking and punching the floor.

It's kind of weird and intimidating at the beginning, but after it's over, you feel amazing.

THE MOST USEFUL THING FOR ME that I took from it, was the importance of making sound when you express emotions. You actually activate a lof of muscles when you emit sounds, so it's a more complete form of release.

When I used to process emotions of rage using the letting go method, I clenched my fist, and tighten my legs and whole body. But since I started screaming at the top of my lungs it feels so much better and effective for releasing.

Also when I cried I used to do it very silently but I learned to emit sound if it feels like it when I cry deeply


Regarding the screaming I would advice you 2 things:


1- Don't think of screaming as we normaly do, like a growl or a raspy unhinged voice, If you scream like that you will hurt your throat. Start more just like a normal voice or a singing voice. Like holding an "AAAAAAAA" and adding more strenght to it, pushing from your diaphragm. As you push your emotion into it, it will sound louder. Keep it until you feel the emotion is out

2- To not disturb my neighbors I do it on my car when I'm alone. But my favorite is to do it when I'm at home I have found the best is to bite a pillow and scream into it. Even if you scream as loud as you can, it really diminish the sound. Not even my roomate hears it.

I hope this helps

[Desert Flower]

Thank you so much LeonLaviu, for writing all this down, it's so very helpful. That in itself is validating.

I would like to come back to the techniques you're describing some other time, because I do not have so much energy right now. (This happens to me when I start processing emotions.)

I do have another book by my Buddhist teacher that's called 'Emotional Rescue' that I've been wanting to re-read because I think this is about the same thing as 'The Art of Letting Go', and someone else on this forum also pointed me to it as well. Yes, I'll get into that.

The hypnosis scares me though, I think because it makes me think I will lose control and that's frightening to me because of things that happened. On the other hand, the technique of 'Imaginairy Rescripting' that I'm now into with my therapist, may also have some elements of hypnosis in it and this IR has been very helpful.

And with the body emotional release, yes, you're definitely onto something here. I used to do expressive African dancing and that also enabled me to release some emotions (anger mainly). And I definitely know there is something about using my voice. I know I've got some work to do on that because I cannot go near it yet I feel. Who knows I'll get there though.

So thank you again for all your helpful comments and insights, I really appreciate it.

[Dante]

I'm kind of late seeing this thread, but this was my house too.  My mother used corporal punishment a lot, and maybe it was and maybe it wasn't abuse, but I don't really carry scars from that.  What I carry scars from was the neglect, contempt, and invalidation.  My parents proudly told me they let me "cry it out" so I'd be stronger, but I still disappointed them because I was still needy.  Whenever I try to talk about how I feel, I'm invalidated - it's not that big a deal or you're just too sensitive.  And contempt for any choice I've made - what I chose to do with my life, who I chose to marry, even what I buy.  I was heavily bullied as a child (my life was even threatened once) and it's like it didn't even happen.  Never even discussed or acknowledged.  Same with when I was SA.  Didn't happen.  Never happened.

That's what hurts the most.  I have spent my whole life fighting just for the right to exist.

[Desert Flower]

It's unbelievable how much our stories are alike. I never realised there were so many of us.
 

[LeonLaviu]

Glad I can help

The hypnosis scares me though, I think because it makes me think I will lose control and that's frightening to me because of things that happened. On the other hand, the technique of 'Imaginairy Rescripting' that I'm now into with my therapist, may also have some elements of hypnosis in it and this IR has been very helpful.

Regarding hypnosis, if you have a skilled therapist that can read you is a great help to get into scary emotions. Is basically someone guiding your imagination.

I remember some sessions when he made me a giant to confront certain scary memories, or putting an aura of protective energy around me, like dragon ball or something (I imagined it like that)

Is like getting into a dream with a guide, and when it gets nightmareish, the guide will protect you and empower you

[lostwanderer]

I have spent my whole life fighting just for the right to exist.

Oof that's relatable!!  Reading that made me realize that I've also spent my whole life just fighting for the right to exist - still am honestly.