Hello from the UK

[Blue Lotus]

Hi everyone

I was a regular at OOTF back in the day some 15 years ago as I exited a relationship with a man who had AVPD. It was around that time I came across Pete Walker's work and read Judith Herman's book. Like a lightbulb going on, I realised then that what I had been/and continue to suffer from is CPTSD.

There was so little recognition of CPTSD then and little support that I could find, so I did what most of us do and hobbled on picking up modalities that help here and there like inner critic work, grounding techniques and breath work. I also applied for a psilocybin trial for depression in 2015 with Imperial College London but on the date of my screening my nervous system was calm, I didn't hit the criteria! I took part in a ketamine study in Oxford and it helped at the time but it's an expensive treatment to keep up. I have researched Iboga for the last 15 years and I am building up to attending a reputable Bwiti/Medical retreat facility in Portugal. Out of all the medicines, I feel this one is having the best success with re-wiring the traumatised brain, it is having huge success with war veterans.

My adaptive defaults (from childhood/adolescence survival) are Fawn and Freeze. Fawning seemed to get me through life when things were going good enough and when they weren't, I descended into Freeze. I am currently slowly emerging from 4 months of Freeze, this trigger was a big one linked to my core traumas.

I lost my beloved father to suicide when I was 7 and my emotionally cold, workaholic mother to cancer when I was 22. I was then trapped in her family legacy business for 30 years with my older NPD (then alcoholic) half brother. I did all the heavy lifting, he got a free ride and refused to sell. Eventually he agreed but it all went down badly involving a friend of his which resulted in me being financially swindled, that was back in 2021. For 50 years I had let my brother abuse me in one form or another and I realised then that wounded child part of me had been waiting for my big brother just to love me for all that time. I had fawned and he had abused.

I took flight for a while visiting far flung friends in Egypt, avoiding the pain but it hit me eventually. So this episode feels different, a rock bottom perhaps now that final illusion has been completely shattered. I am no contact with my brother and his wife but I miss my niece and nephew. We all live in the same very small town so when I am well enough I plan to move, the place itself has become a constant trigger. It is scary to start from scratch at almost 60, though I hope to embrace this somehow as a new beginning. At the moment I feel stripped back to the core and very raw. New healthier ways of being and operating in this world are going to be essential....with the help of Iboga possibly!

I have two beautiful adult daughters who I raised as a single mum. My deepest shame is the effects my trauma has had on them over the years. It is for them that I keep going. I am as open with them as I can be (save for the depth of abuse from their father) I hope one day I am able to forgive myself.

So, it is good to be here amongst those who understand. Support forums like this are a lifeline for those of us who suffer from these developmental injuries. I am hoping to find a CPTSD informed IFS therapist to work with online if anyone can recommend someone via PM? UK based is probably best but not essential.

Thank you for a place to leave my opening vent, it helps. I look forward to sharing more uplifting posts in future as I find more balance step by step and learn from the posts and resources here at OOTS.

Thank you, BL

[Hope67]

Welcome Blue Lotus, 
Hope 

[Denali]

Welcome Blue Lotus! My condolences for the loss of your father.

I hope you can find comfort and healing here.

I hope you don't mind a 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello and welcome from a fellow resident of Blighty. I am sorry you need to be here but glad you are.

[Blue Lotus]

Thank you all for the welcome wishes and hug 

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome Blue Lotus    It's perfectly OK to vent here.  In fact, this is the place to do so because we do all "get it" and venting is a big part of recovery. I personally love knowing that no matter what I say it will resonate with someone. I hope you find that here too.   

 

[Blue Lotus]

Thank you for the welcome Kizzie, I moderated for a while at OOTF many moons ago, so it really does feel like a safe and home like place to land here at OOTS. I am grateful to be amongst you all.

[Kizzie]