EnSis Reaches Out

[gcj07a]

Hi all--

I have been NC with uBPm for almost four years. And it has been FANTASTIC! I am continually working on myself and dealing with my C-PTSD and am excited about the journey. Shortly after I went NC, my F filed for divorce (this was not coordinated, but it was very welcome). I have a really good relationship with F. For most of my life, F enabled uBPm. Once M moved out, he and I had several heart-to-hearts and have done a lot of work. He has apologized for not being there to protect me from M and has sought to make amends. He is on his own journey of healing. He has also been my biggest champion as I continue on my healing journey.

My sister, however, took a different approach. She utterly condemned me and F for abandoning M. M eventually bought a house in Sis's neighborhood (I wish them much joy together!  ). Anyhow, after multiple years of on-again, off-again chats with me, Sis finally decided about 14 months ago that I was too toxic for her and her family and basically went no contact with me. This made me quite sad. Apart from this whole kerfluffle with M, I really like her. And I like my kids to be able to spend time with their cousins.

Well, today, out of the blue, she texted me to ask if we could talk. According to my F (who she is still cordial with b/c she wants her kids to know their grandpa), she has told him that she has grown sick of dealing with M and had the epiphany that M has systematically taken over all of Sis's attention. Again, this is secondhand, but apparently Sis told M that Sis is not responsible for the fact that M's relationship with me and F fell apart. F says he thinks Sis (who previously dismissed my account of the emotional and physical abuse I suffered at the hands of M) genuinely wants to hear why I went NC. However, what Sis doesn't know is that my M also sexually abused me.

Anyhow, I am torn about what to do. I love my sister and her kids and want them in my life and I want to be in their's. But I also don't trust her after some of the nasty things she has told me and the way she has dismissed me when jumping to M's defense. She has never reached out before to ask to actually talk (it has always been her acting as a proxy for M to heap more abuse on me--usually in the form of texts so she can show them to M to prove her loyalty (I suspect)). This feels different to me, but I don't know.

What do y'all think?

[gcj07a]

I texted her back to ask what she wanted to talk about. She replied that she wanted to know exactly why I went NC with Mom because if she doesn't have that info she can't be in the same room with me. She then said if I can't give her that info she will pursue a relationship with my wife and kids without me. So, um, NO. Nope nope nope nope. Not happening. I don't trust her at all and see this as a fishing expedition to feed info back to M with the typical ultimatum. I have been clear for the last four years that I would not be discussing my relationship with M with her--it is none of her business. I also think my F is a bit clouded by a desire to see his kids reconcile. I get that from his perspective, but he spent a long time enabling M by pressuring the rest of us to reconcile with her and it seems old habits are hard to break.

[DD]

It's a difficult thing. And I'm sorry you're facing this.  if appropriate.

My relations with siblings are in such a mess, I can't really say anything comforting. Or wise.

But I'm here. Struggling with sibling issues too. They are messy. And painful. So while you decide on the path that is most healing for you

[Armee]

Oh boy. Well I think it is great that she showed her cards so clearly before you shared with her.

[Kizzie]

Wow, the whole threatening you thing is a big red flag. 

I don't know if you want to tell her you feel she is threatening you and that makes you distrust her motives for wanting to talk but it's an option.  You are growing healthy and IMO there's nothing wrong with letting her know that and also you have boundaries that include your family. 

If when she wants to talk honestly you may consider it, but if she is enmeshed with your M she likely doesn't have overly healthy behaviours just yet. Just my thoughts here but I'd go slowly, bit by bit if you do ever end up talking with her and see how she does.   

[gcj07a]

Well, I went ahead and texted her something very general about me experiencing sexual abuse by my M when I was a kid. She replied that, basically, she doesn't wish false accusations on anyone and so she won't be able to be around me or my kids so I don't falsely accuse her!

She has since sent me a demand for proof and a demand to know why I haven't pressed criminal charges if the assaults actually happened. She officially moved the goal posts from "you need to give me your reasons for NC or we can't have a relationship" to "you need to submit proof of your claims of sexual abuse or we can't have a relationship." I think I learned my lesson.

Final communication from her before I blocked her was that she had informed my M of my accusations and M did not respond like someone who had done something like that! Therefore, I must be wrong. She called my claims "ludicrous." Good riddance. Right now I am too angry to be sad. But the sadness will come. If nothing else, I have learned the hard way not to trust my FOO at all.

I am just reeling. She has said nasty stuff to me before, but I never expected such venom! She must be feeling really threatened. I expect she will try to broadcast this to the rest of the extended family, esp. my brother. But if my suspicions about my brother are correct (I think he was also sexually abused by M), then this may actually prompt him to reach out or to get help.

Anyhow, I am currently reminding myself that I am a completely independent grown man with my own family, friends, house, and job. There is nothing they can do to me anymore.

[DD]

I'm so sorry that happened.

I think you were very brave for a) telling her and b) for blocking her when she acted completely inappropriately.

I've lately come to see that how other people react is not on us but on them. You gave her a chance. She couldn't, at this time at least, use that in a way that would allow you two to grow closer.  Her failure is not on you. You did a big brave thing.

[Kizzie]

I too am so sorry to hear she reacted as badly as she did GCJ. 

Have you ever spoken to your B about whether or not your M abused him? 

[gcj07a]

DD--Thanks! I feel brave!

Kizzie,

No, I haven't. He has made it perfectly clear that he never wants to discuss our childhood experiences of her. He actually became a priest and took a vow of celibacy, I assume in part to avoid romantic entanglements. He is very quiet and soft spoken, but the one thing that makes him truly angry is mentioning the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. He once told me that God designed hel specifically for those priests that abused those kids and for those priests, bishops, and church authorities that covered it up. He is not close to our M or our sister really. He keeps very busy and to himself. I may try again after M finally dies, but right now we are cordial and that is good enough for me.

[Armee]

This says a lot in and of itself. 

[Kizzie]