Obsession with being punished

[freelancebaby]

Hi All,

As I'm starting to unravel my symptoms I must acknowledge that I've mentally obsessed with being punished for most of my life. It has turned out that my brother is mentally ill and often homeless and in the past (like 10-15 years ago), I was being pressured to take him in (before his full mental illness developed), but I didn't. I'm now estranged from most of my family and have been telling myself this story that one day I'll be confronted about how I'm an unworthy person and inherently bad.

I think that some of it stems from simply wanting attention from these family members who have disproven my trust? Does anyone relate to this?

Thank you.

[Armee]

A family member with severe mental illness is extremely difficult to manage and it takes a whole team of clinicians inpatient to properly care for some. It's not something many individuals are equipped to deal with. My therapist made this point to me as I struggled with my mom's mental illness.

And yes constantly being on guard to being confronted with my inherent badness. It's still there a bit but improved with the passing of my mom. Stay true to you. I found when I felt guilty or ashamed about being bad it was a consuming feeling but under it was a little voice telling me I am not bad. So just be aware of that little voice of truth trying to communicate through a thick layer of relational trauma.

[Kizzie]

Unfortunately relational trauma includes not just difficulties with relationships with others, but with ourselves. Many of us don't have anyone healthy who helps us to like and love ourselves or others. You may or may have not seen this saying but "It wasn't you, it's what happened to you" is so true. We are not defective or shameful or inherently bad, it is trauma that made us feel that we are. It was bad, we weren't and aren't.

[freelancebaby]

Thank you Armee and Kizzie! Your responses are very helpful.

[Kizzie]