CSA - trigger warning

[Armee]

I felt so so so alone, too. That feeling like all of them does get a bit better. Hang with it. In some ways even though it is true now in the present that dreadful sinking feeling of being alone is also a flashback. Little 5 year old you was so alone with it. Keep reaching out here, crisis lines, therapist...

[blue_sky]

DD, I can completely understand that feeling of loneliness and feeling like nobody understands. But we here at OOTS do.

I have definitely understood that family doesn't mean blood. If it did, I don't think my own brother and cousin would "r" me.
And I don't think my M and F would try to brush the whole issue under the carpet so nobody else talks about it.
And I don't think they would still want me to talk to the perpetrators as if nothing happened.

I choose my family and when I found OOTS, I felt like I belong. I don't feel as alone here.

Like Armee said, you can share the details with me if you'd like. I don't get triggered either. In fact, I haven't even been able to share most of my details with anybody (including my therapist) because I can't even utter the words.

I also feel partially responsible for making you spiral as I commented on your post that you probably hadn't looked at for a few days and I brought up the whole topic again. I am sorry if I did that, it was not my intention. I am new to OOTS so I'm still learning.

[DD]

Blue_sky, you didn't. Trust me. You didn't. Thank you for your support. It's true family does not mean blood bonds. And here I am heard.

Armee, thank you. You're right. The feelings from then have been bubbling up. Maybe this too is from there.

I truly appreciate this community and am ever so grateful I've found my way here.

[DD]

I think the hotlines are a good idea Armee. It just feels odd because the actual event was so long ago. I keep thinking their resources are more needed by thise for whom it has just happened. But will try that too.

[blue_sky]

I have the exact same thoughts about calling crisis lines. That my experiences were more than 12 years ago. I also feel like crisis lines are for those with SI and need emergency help. I have never been able to call them. I probably wouldn't know where to start from.

[NarcKiddo]

This might sound a bit odd, but could be worth a try. One of the aspects of therapy that I have found helpful is the very act of voicing my experience. My therapy started as written therapy online. Writing stuff down and knowing someone would read it did make some difference, for sure. It was scary and doing it that way was a less triggering way in to therapy for me. But I was surprised what a difference my current face to face (zoom) sessions actually make.

I sometimes used to confide in my dogs when they were alive and I have a couple of stuffed toys I sometimes talk to now. So if you have a pet I would strongly encourage you to try telling the pet. Of course it is not the same as telling a human but it might help a little. If you don't have a pet then maybe try a stuffed toy. Or, if you like dogs, maybe a friend or neighbour has a dog you could offer to take for walks and then you could find a quiet place and tell the dog. Dogs are ideal because they really do seem to be listening to what you say. And they are lovely and comforting to cuddle if you end up crying or upset.

[Armee]

I thought that too about the crisis lines (I used RAINN). But they are there for all of it and are well prepared to help anyone who needs it, not just people who just went through it. If you are suffering from the effects of an assault they will support you. It did help. In my experience they stayed on as long as they needed to.

I used the chat function and just started with something like "I'm having a lot of flashbacks from an assault that happened a long time ago and need to talk to someone because I feel really alone with it. I feel bad using this support line though because it happened so long ago." They'll take you through it from there. Just know sometimes they are managing a couple chats at a time I think and don't be offended by that, they are just trying to help as many people as possible. So there can be delays if you use the chat of a couple minutes. Just use that downtime to breathe.

When I used it I still felt super alone until close to the end of the chat and then something broke through.

Blue Sky, you deserve help too. I'm so sorry what your brother and cousin did to you. That's such an awful betrayal on top of an awful assault. 

[blue_sky]

Writing stuff down and knowing someone would read it did make some difference, for sure.

I actually did read your personal story on the OOTS website and got inspired to share mine too. I wrote my story probably for the first time yesterday and have sent it to Kizzie. I dissociated quite a lot in between but I have completed it finally. Thank you for sharing yours 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done, blue_sky. It is a really tough thing to do but I hope you will find some relief from having done so, once the immediate emotional effects have subsided.